Writing neurosis; attention meta (not: attention! Meta! *g*)

[hmpf]

So, whenever I've posted new fic to my website and announced it in LJ, I tend to check my website stats the next day or so, because I do want to know about the people who read my stuff. Not writing *for* an audience does *not* equal not being curious about the audience you do acquire - and it's simply a fact that if I put something online, it will be read, and yes, I am curious about those invisible strangers who consume something that was produced by my brain. (That, in itself, is not neurotic, I think.)

So... 97 hits since posting.

(Possibly) little known fact: I can see who reads my story - at least for a significant number of the readers. No, I'm not psychic; it's just that my webspace provider's stats include info on where people came from. So, if - as is the case in about 90% of the cases - you came from your friends page to my website, the stats will tell me you came from "http://yournamegoeshere.livejournal.com/friends" or "http://yournamegoeshere.livejournal.com/friends/people_I_read_occasionally" or whatever. Sure, it could be someone else who just happened to read your friends page and followed the link to my story displayed there, but I kind of assume that that doesn't happen all that often. (I may be wrong there.)

It's nice to be able to see who 'visited', even if they didn't leave a comment. :)

Occasionally - very occasionally - however, it also causes... well, maybe not exactly angst but certainly a kind of puzzlement. This happens when I see that people who I was almost 100% certain would like the story (and whose opinions I'm very interested in, because they're smart and bright and brilliant writers whose brains I want to marry and so on) have read it yet haven't commented. Because then I'm kind of set to wondering, what happened there? Were they busy and only had a minute to sort of scan the story before RL snatched them away from the keyboard again? Were they in a "no talking" mood? - I know it happens to me, and hey, this is still true. Or - and this is where the writing neurosis rears its ugly head: did they think the story sucked, and either didn't tell me because they wanted to avoid hurting my feelings, or simply because they thought it was so blah it wasn't worth talking about at all?

Now, I firmly believe that, *especially* in fandom, it is absolutely essential to one's emotional wellbeing to, well, not put a lot of weight on how many, or which, people react (or, as the case may be, *don't* react) to something you post. That way, inferiority complexes lie. I mean, like probably most of us, I've *been* there, in the early years, feeling like the most boring and worthless person in the world when a carefully considered forum post or fic I posted sank like a rock. It takes a special kind of resilience to experience that, and experience that *repeatedly*, and yet persist in fandom. (A solid 'sociological' understanding of how people/groups work helps, because it prevents you from automatically coming to the conclusion of 'I'm too boring to be noticed'.)

Well, as you can see, I'm still here, so I clearly have some of that resilience. ;-) And while I have, in the last three years, reached the dizzy heights of being recced on crack_van a couple of times, and being linked on metafandom (before I was dropped from their trawl lists again), I'm mostly back now to being mostly ignored, and I'm mostly fine with that. I understand that it's very probably because of my extremely erratic posting behaviour and my general anti-socialness; I understand that my worth as a person (and my worth as a writer) is not directly related to the amount and kind of attention I get.

There's just two areas where this not expecting attention thing still gets a bit tricky on occasion.

One is if people whom I hero worship a bit are concerned. I still don't *expect* them to react to anything I do, but it's hard/impossible to kill the hope (and, oh, did I mention I've been defriended by a couple of those people in the past? Talk about blows to the ego...)

The other is if people with whom I feel a somewhat closer connection are concerned. That's the real clincher. Because I am pathologically anti-social in Real Life, I have no handle on the practice of normal human relationships (I can write about them, sort of, but even there I have obvious limits). Reciprocity is... confusing. How much of it is normal? How much is too much? What are you supposed to expect of people, and what is too much to expect? My 'solution' to these questions so far has been the same I employ for fandom interactions in general, namely: try not to expect anything, ever. (Especially as I'm chronically unreliable myself in a number of serious ways in RL.) But even I can see that that is its own kind of neurotic, really.

Arrgh. Okay, this got long but not necessarily clearer, but I'm too frelling hungry to continue writing, or clarifying. And hey, it's my partyLJ, I can cryramble if I want to. *g*

Need food now.

*

Someone's mysteriously found this post via metafandom, though I can't see anything there? Oh well, I don't mind either way. So, hi to anyone who wanders in from that direction. Oh, and a lot of people have reacted to this with apologies. Folks: this is not necessary. This wasn't about guilt tripping you; it was about my own neurosis. Neurosis as in 'unhealthy behaviour/thinking pattern'. So, no reason for you to apologise. The problem is located in my psyche, not your behaviour. :-)

Need sleep now.

Comments

[dswdiane.livejournal.com]

Actually, I'm fairly sure you probably don't even know who I am, but just as a response, there was a time in the past when I almost never commented even when I liked a story because I didn't have the time for detailed comments. There has also been times in the distance past in which I never commented because I was dealing with depression. That was actually before LJ to be honest.

During the last episode of depression I had, as a matter of fact, I spent about six months doing almost nothing when I wasn't working or attending to essential life support systems, except read HL fic, mostly Duncan/Methos slash and never commented. I just devoured it as if it were th only food that might renew my aching soul. But that is TMI.

I've since realized about option 1 that even saying "hey, that was great," was better than no comment at all.

I think folks have a lot of reasons for not commenting and many of them have nothing to do with not liking the story. I once had a very well known and well respected writer of HL fic tell me in email that she rarely commented even when she liked a fic because she was well known and well respected and overwhelmed with emails from folks whose work she liked but whom she didn't have time to establish a relationship. I *think* that was what she said. I might be wrong.

Anyway, I friended you because I like your fic.

Hi!

[hmpf.livejournal.com]

I do know you - well, I know your name, anyway. We've talked before. :-)

I actually don't really mind if people don't comment - it would be fairly hypocritical of me if I did, as I don't always comment either, etc. My issue here (and it really is *my* issue, i.e. a symptom of a larger neurosis/complex/whatever-you-wanna-call-it I have, and therefore *my* problem and not that of the people who haven't commented) is really just that I saw that some people who I sort of thought would love the fic read it but didn't comment, and, well, with the way my mind works, that of course translated as 'they didn't like it' - I am, however, fully aware that there are many other possible explanations, ranging from 'I actually only bookmarked the fic for later reading' to 'the cat chose just that moment to vomit on the keyboard' ;-)

So, uhm, this really is just a case of irrational writer's angst running rampant here. :-)

Oh, and thanks for the friending; I should, however, warn you that a) the proportion of Highlander stuff in my journal is actually rather low, as is the proportion of fic in general, and b) I tend to have long phases of being completely absent from LJ, ranging well into months or more. I'm still 'recovering' from the last such phase, which means I'm currently trying to catch up with my flist, and I tend to get more than a bit overwhelmed with the hugeness that is fandom on LJ, and even just my flist. So, basically... I can't guarantee I'll actually be a) very interesting and b) always present. ;-) (I'll friend you back if you decide to keep me friended after that rather long warning, though.)

Re: Hi!

[dswdiane.livejournal.com]

Hi back at you. Yes, we have talked before, but I wasn't sure you remembered me.

I know all about the neuroses of writers and their needs for feedback. (a) I am actually a psychologist and (b) I share your neuroses.

As for your last paragraph, it seems you and I have a lot in common. I rarely update my LJ. I've not written fic in ages except for participating in the recent sekrit Santa for LJ in hlh_shortcuts which you might enjoy if you've not yet read.

So, I can also not guarantee I'll actually be a) very interesting and b) always present. But that's all right with me about myself and about you. Much of the time I am so introverted that I might as well be an interpersonal black hole. No, not quite. Comments to me do not just disappear. I do respond. I just don't really post that often.

Re: Hi!

[hmpf.livejournal.com]

>I know all about the neuroses of writers and their needs for feedback. (a) I am actually a psychologist and (b) I share your neuroses.

Yay! *immediately bonds with you over shared neuroses* ;-)

Hey, I've been looking for a psychologist to quiz on some things regarding a fic I'm writing in another fandom. May I ask you a few questions about suicide attempt survivors, on some occasion?

>As for your last paragraph, it seems you and I have a lot in common. I rarely update my LJ. I've not written fic in ages except for participating in the recent sekrit Santa for LJ in hlh_shortcuts which you might enjoy if you've not yet read.

I'm woefully behind on HL fic (and fic in all of my fandoms, really.) RL has been fairly intense recently. I'm currently catching up with Life on Mars fandom, which will probably take a few more months. I *will* eventually catch up with HL, too, but, as RL will only get *more* busy soon, I'll have to do it at snail's pace.

>So, I can also not guarantee I'll actually be a) very interesting and b) always present. But that's all right with me about myself and about you. Much of the time I am so introverted that I might as well be an interpersonal black hole. No, not quite. Comments to me do not just disappear. I do respond. I just don't really post that often.

Heh. I post excessively, for a few months, and then disappear completely, for a few months. Rinse and repeat.

And I do occasionally forget to reply to comments, simply because in times like this, when I have conversations going in half a dozen places, it's all too easy to forget about some replies, somewhere. As always with LJ, there's always Too Much Going On. :(

Re: Hi!

[dswdiane.livejournal.com]

*grins and enjoys the bonding over shared neuroses*

You are more than welcome to ask me questions as a psychologist, and I will be more than happy to respond. If I don't know the fandom or the character, I might not be totally helpful because there are no rules that fit all. I guess I don't need to tell you that individual characteristic and history make each person unique in any given situation.

I'm sure hlh_shortcuts will be there when you're ready to get to it. There are some wonderful stories.

Hey, with LJ and with life in general there is *always* Too Much Going On.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Re: Hi!

[hmpf.livejournal.com]

Well, my questions are actually less about the psyche of the survivor himself, because whatever you could say about suicide survivors probably doesn't apply to him - he actually didn't try to kill himself, but rather believed he was about to travel in time. He was clinically depressed at the time, though. Anyway, what he did looks an awful lot like a suicide attempt to his family and doctors, of course, so they're going to treat it like one, probably.

Oh heck, why not list my questions here right now? There aren't that many, really.

Here goes: the story is set about a year or so after the 'attempt'. My protagonist has been in a coma/vegetative state since then - in a nursing home, because he's otherwise stable. As the fic begins, he begins to make a somewhat miraculous recovery (not a complete recovery, but miraculous enough under the circumstances). I kind of assume that he'll be transferred to a facility specialising in neurological rehabilitation as soon as possible after becoming conscious again. The question now is, would there be psychological counselling pretty much right away, and would they insist on trying to talk to him about the 'suicide attempt'? And could he refuse counselling, or at least refuse to talk about that? (He may want to talk about the recovery process, because that's going to be hard, but he has - understandable - issues about talking about the suicide attempt - mainly because to him, it wasn't a suicide attempt, really, and revealing what it *was* to him would make him look completely insane.)

Also: what if he can't really speak very well? Depending on what kinds of damage I saddle him with he may be at least temporarily severely limited in his ability to communicate. Would there still be counselling, and what form would that take?

Oh, and the fic is set in Britain, present day, but even if you can't give me info that applies specifically to the British health system I think *any* kind of info from a professional is probably better than none, at this stage. ('This stage' being very early plot planning stage.) :-)

Re: Hi!

[dswdiane.livejournal.com]

What fandom is this fic in? Just curious. Torchwood?

Anyway, whatever the fandom, yes there would be psychological counseling right away, but one of the first rules of any competent psychotherapy is to meet the patient where he is at the moment. If he doesn't want to talk about the (not) suicide attempt and so communicates, the mostly likely questions a responsible therapist would have to ask would be, "Do you have any thought about harming yourself?" If the answer is yes, then the next question is "Do you have a plan?" and the next is "Do you have the means to carry out the plan?" But from what the answer to the first question would be no and the therapist would then encourage him to talk about whatever was concerning him.

If he couldn't speak well, he would mostly likely have a speech therapist assigned to him. The psychotherapist would give him paper and markers and/or crayons with which he could communicate by drawings.

Does any of this help?

Re: Hi!

[hmpf.livejournal.com]

>What fandom is this fic in? Just curious. Torchwood?

Life on Mars.

>Anyway, whatever the fandom, yes there would be psychological counseling right away, but one of the first rules of any competent psychotherapy is to meet the patient where he is at the moment. If he doesn't want to talk about the (not) suicide attempt and so communicates, the mostly likely questions a responsible therapist would have to ask would be, "Do you have any thought about harming yourself?" If the answer is yes, then the next question is "Do you have a plan?" and the next is "Do you have the means to carry out the
plan?"

Well, considering he's been unconscious and therefore mostly immobile for a year, that question kind of becomes moot. He won't be able to do much for himself (or *to* himself, as the case may be) for a while yet... ;-) (I refer to this fic as the Epic Angst Overload Fic, btw. *g*) But he'll be able to answer these questions with a fairly believable 'no' anyway, I think. Of course they may have some doubts, as they know he tried to kill himself...

>If he couldn't speak well, he would mostly likely have a speech therapist assigned to him.

Yeah... I knew about that. (I'll have to find a speech therapist to talk to so as to get *that* part right. Damn, this fic requires enough medical research to qualify as a part of studying medicine or something... I've been researching for it for a year now.)

>The psychotherapist would give him paper and markers and/or crayons with which he could communicate by drawings.

Okay. I suppose writing would also be an option, really, depending on the cause of the speech problem. I know writing is affected in some cases, but not in all - not if the problem is mainly articulation.

Hmm... Much to ponder here.

>Does any of this help?

Yes, very much so! Thank you!