hmpf

But the idea of phoning someone is still scary.


I think I may do an exploratory foray into LJ reading tonight. See how many people are even still around. (I've been told there's been an exodus.)

Maybe make a filter for reading just a few people, to keep it manageable.

Reading a few again would be a huge step forward, compared to years of not reading anybody.

(Okay, for anyone who's wondering why I'm not already on my way to Hamburg: it became clear eventually that I just couldn't finish all the necessary uni work and "work" work in time, so I mailed the people at Internship 2 and asked if I could possibly start a couple days later. And they agreed. So here I am, still working my head off. Wheeee. Did I mention I also cancelled my holiday, which was to have been the latter half of the week just past? Yes, I think I did.)

So, anyway, here's my brilliant, innovative idea: provided I have internet at my new home, and a quiet corner to which I can withdraw for a while in the evenings (slightly doubtful, as I'll be sharing a room with another intern), how about I do a bit of LJ reading every evening? Instead of lugging a bunch of books with me...

Of course, this could be undermined by my parents giving me a bunch of books for my birthday next week. I know I put a bunch of books on my wishlist... Then again, I also put a bunch of CDs on there, so maybe I'll be getting a bunch of CDs instead of a bunch of books.

Bad timing for my first foray into flist reading in two years...

Hey, btw. This dreamwidth thing. Has that really taken off? I may have to check out all the individal LJs of my LJ friends after all, to find out if the reason why they're not posting anymore (if they aren't posting, that is) is because they're just busy or because they've moved to Dreamwidth...

I'm finding it incredibly difficult to get back to LJ properly. The backlog is like an immense mountain looming above me. I'm not sure I can climb that mountain.

Right.

Here's the deal.

I have *no* time. No time for anything beyond uni and the bare necessities of living, that is.

This will continue to be the case for... at least the next eight months. Possibly the entire next year and a bit longer than that, even (though I really hope that there will be a bit of a break somewhere between the eight months and the phase after that).

Technically, I should have spent much less time here in the last few months already; I just ignored the more sensible parts of my mind that said "if you worked a bit more on your thesis now, and a bit less on fic/discussions/catching up with LJ... you would have less stress when the actual deadline for your M.A. comes up, and probably get a better result to boot." Being chronically unable to keep any kind of balance in my life, I overdosed on fandom instead (knowing, at least subconsciously, that it might be my last dose for a long time to come).

To make up for all that lost time, I now have to devote my entire time to my thesis. By now, time's so short that the necessary work is only *barely* manageable, even if I do devote all my time to it. I was deluding myself to think that it would be possible to keep up the semblance of a life beside it.

I am sorry that, in my deluded state, I got involved in some fannish projects, believing I would be able to keep being properly involved - and getting people's enthusiasm up in the process. I hate leaving you guys in a lurch. I hate being unreliable; I hate being a bad friend; I hate being trapped and waylaid by my own inability to plan ahead. The guilt is immense.

Guilt aside, I miss you guys already and will miss you more. I'm literally crying here now. But I think the only way I'm going to get over the next... eight... twelve... months, is by essentially disconnecting the fandom parts of my brain. Fandom is a source of great joy, but it's also the greatest devourer of time in my life. Fandom, *active* fandom - the social side of it, the creative side of it - is not possible without devoting fairly massive amounts of time to it. I've been struggling with it before, and I absolutely can't afford it now.

So this is me announcing another GAFIA (actually, I think, announcing a GAFIA for the first time - the previous ones always just sort of... happened, and weren't so much a matter of conscious decision.) Think of it as me being suddenly offered a chance to work in the Antarctic or something. Communication is going to be difficult, but I'm not going to forget you guys, and it's not forever. It's just a year. Or so.

I'll continue to post here, but it's mostly going to be one-way communications - just short life signs, and a way for me to keep track of myself. I'll be checking in with some of you occasionally, probably mostly silently, but the Great Catching Up Project will have to be restarted when I'm back, *properly* back.

I may go on the occasional surprise posting/commenting spree when I can't bear the isolation anymore.

As a very busy wizard once said: expect me when you see me.

200 down, 220 to go. Will try to get a couple of pages done every day for the next few days.

And once I'm up to date with my current mini-flist, the next big step will be catching up with selenak's and seti_drd's truly epic journals, something I've been postponing for ages because it will take weeks.

Problem: the next opportunity for an epic catching up session that will not eat dramatically into my thesis development time will be... err... four weeks from now, I think. Arrgh. Because next weekend I won't be at the library, and the two weekends after that I'll be doing a job where I'm not near a computer.

More or less fine - kinda panicking in slow motion about the thesis.

Cleaning and cooking obsessively, because cleaning is nicely manageable, something you can actually *finish* in a day or two, and cooking likewise leaves you with a nice sense of having accomplished something useful.

Making jewellery(!) - finishing half a dozen things I abandoned, half finished, years ago. Currently working on two rings, six pairs of earrings, two necklaces, and that's just the beginning.

Watching Twin Peaks with a friend, about once a week, in hypnotic seven-hour sessions.

Have managed to sort of 'normalise' my sleep rhythm a bit (it's 4 a.m. to 11 a.m. now instead of 7 a.m. to 2 p.m.).

Still practicing LJ abstinence, because I still feel rather overwhelmed atm.

(Of course, this only makes my ongoing project of catching up with EVERYBODY, ARRGH even less manageable than it already is... *sigh*)

I'll try to return some of my attention to you guys in the next few days. Thing is, I'm so horribly bad at multitasking, I'm not sure how I'm going to find the time without growing massively less efficient in some other area again... but I guess I could kick some of the cleaning and cooking, and replace that with internet time.

I spent six hours today (at work - my job basically just requires me to sit around, and some of that sitting around is done near a computer) catching up with *one* journal, and I'm still only half done with that one. oO *waves to amonitrate* I think this catching up project will take substantially more time than just this month... but it's nice to catch up, too - nice to see what people've been up to. I'm afraid I spammed amonitrate quite badly with what basically amounted to 1001 variations of "I agree!" today... *g* (BTW, if you're a HL fan you should really go and read her fics. She mostly writes my kind of fic, i.e. angsty gen, and she does it very well indeed. Her Methos is excellent - one of the best I've read. Unfortunately she also shares my tendency to have loads of unfinished snippets of WiPs that don't really progress all that much...)

dunkle_feuer, I wanted to call today, but I wasn't quite well tonight after work; throughout the entire day, in fact - headache, spells of dizziness etc. I think the week of All Work and Little or No Sleep or Food was taking its toll. Nearly keeled over once during work, actually. Not good! So, when I got home, instead of doing the weekly flat cleaning routine I napped for a couple of hours, and then made dinner, and by the time I felt somewhat okay again it was half past ten (and I have to admit I got distracted by Dexter then, which I'd started to watch during dinner... *g*).

One more ep of Dexter now, and then off to bed. Won't be able to do much in the way of catching up or answering comments tomorrow at work, as tomorrow will mostly be spent sitting around in a place *without* a computer. Will take some of my thesis work with me, I think. And I may not be much around in the evening after work, either, as I'll have to do the cleaning I didn't do today then, plus other stuff I should have done today.

and a few choice people not on my friends list:

I'll catch up here tomorrow. I've been mostly gone for most of the last two or three weeks, so I don't know what's been happening (I hope no major catastrophes...), but I'm all set to return to full posting mode tomorrow.

Oh, and *I'm free*!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yep, the exam is a thing of the past. It went well, not *great*, but well, (my brain decided to quit in the middle of it, but I still got a pretty good grade). It's funny, since the exam was not *that* big a thing actually, but for the first time in *years* I feel actually stress-free (if that is a word). I'm still busy, of course (getting prepared for England and catching up with my goldsmith's work), but I feel like everything is, more or less, a piece of cake now. :-)

Well... gotta do some house cleaning to do, and meet a friend tonight, so... more tomorrow.

Love you all. :-)