hmpf

Another thing worth noting. I watched 4.22 the day before yesterday. The end, as in 'The' End. Though of course we know it isn't the end, and it ended with a 'To Be Continued', as it should, although the impression of open-endedness was disturbed a bit by Ben's voice-over: 'and *finally* on Farscape'. (At which I started crying, btw, thus making Bad Timing the first FS ep ever which reduced me to tears even at the very beginning.)

I don't want to write about it, really. I don't want to think about it. The ending is Farscape, perfectly, maddeningly Farscape, and I suspect that as a season ending it would have delighted me. As the end of the series it feels far too final for comfort, though. Final, and ultimately very absurd, which is, of course, more fitting than an ending with a sense of fulfilled purpose could ever have been. It left me feeling empty. Drained. And that's all I want to write about it, at the moment, and maybe ever. Except this:

Chiana: When will you give up?
John: I won't.
Chiana: You have to give up sometime.
John: No, I don't.

And:

"It's not what you know. It's what you hope for."

And:

"Hope, D'Argo. It's what keeps you going. You're gonna see you're son. I'm gonna go home. Hope. I got hope, or I got nothing."



Don't worry. I'm not going to give up. I just sent a bra to Bonnie Hammer.

*eg*

4.21.

"Hi... honey. Guess what I did at work today. I wore a bomb... a nuclear bomb, in a field of flowers... I could get lucky; tomorrow I could have a bigger bomb... I could kill... more people... Maybe they'll be innocent people... Children, maybe."

(John, We're So Screwed part 3, tag scene.)

God, it's time this happened, high time. I've been waiting for this since season two, or at the very least since season three, since they blew up the Command Carrier, accepting hundreds of casualties. In ep 4.20, the acknowledgement that they've turned into terrorists; in this ep, 4.21, an open display of guilt, at last. Thank God, John is not yet dead inside, not completely. We've been aware of the gradual hardening, the gradual deadening of his feelings literally for years now; seen it in his face, in his eyes, in the ease with which he draws Winona and handles ever bigger guns. There were moments - A Constellation of Doubt comes to mind - when it seemed that the only thing he could still feel anything for was Aeryn. Now, finally, we get to see John taking a metaphorical look into the mirror. And he sees there what we have been seeing all this time - that in the last three years he has lost much more than just his home and his mind.
What will he do about it? Is there anything he can do about it? It may be an effect of his extended stay in the Uncharted Territories that he will simply have to accept. At least being aware of it now may enable him to keep some of his humanity, maybe. But he can't go back to who he was, he can't shed his survival instincts (and methods) - it would effectively mean committing suicide, something that I still can't see him doing, especially not in the light of Aeryn's pregnancy. Although... to rid the universe of wormhole knowledge, he just *might*... Yeah, I think he might. But I don't think they will be doing that to us in 4.22.

I feel so grateful. Sure, the season had a fair share of flaws - maybe more than a fair share. But many, many things that bothered me have been resolved, many things that I've been waiting for have been given to us. The resurrection of Harvey - much more believable than his quick dispatch in 4.05; John's guilt finally catching up with him; the whole Earth arc... even small stuff like D'Argo and Chiana finally getting together again... not to mention pure 'fan service' like the revelation of the true name of DK and Braca's first name! (I went 'Braca has a first name?!?!?!' - I was completely shocked. *g*) BTW, Braca totally rocked in this ep...

A side note. About the elevator going sideways... Does anybody agree that the cryptic remark of 'John Headroom' in John Quixote about 'going sideways... just... sideways' was a bit of - admittedly useless, but nevertheless fun - foreshadowing? *g*

I love this show. I love it to bits. I love it so much it hurts.

The most important thing first. (This is *my* journal, so -- *my* priorities. Even if they make sense to no one but me and the 2,559 posters on Frell Me Dead.) The most important thing is this: I'm depressed. Not too severely, but nevertheless. Watched 'We're So Screwed pt.1: Fetal Attraction' yesterday with Kadira (gotta love those ep titles), and it's a frelling fantastic ep. Damn, I love this show. And I can't help myself, I just love it when John goes totally badass. Love it in a sick way, because somehow it's all *wrong* for him to be that way, and yet... he's only survived because he's discovered he can be as tough as they come, so how wrong can it be? He had no choice with all the dren the universe (or, more precisely, sadistic script writers) kept throwing at him but to learn how to kick butt. And part of the sick thrill of watching John kick butt is that nagging memory at the back of my mind of the soft, naive, friendly and innocent John of season one. The discrepancy between the two is so incredible, and yet has been growing so slowly and believably. Which is precisely why I love the writers, actors, etc. of Farscape. I've never seen better character development on TV than on this show.

And then there's Aeryn. For once not rescuing John but being rescued by him. A distressingly weak Aeryn. For some reason this ep's torture scenes, short as they were, had a more profoundly distressing effect on me than the whole of 'Prayer' had. Don't know what was wrong with that, but somehow 'Prayer' didn't get to me as it should have. Well, but 'Fetal Attraction' did, oh yes. Especially the hallucinations in the beginning. Very, very painful.
The fandom is pretty divided over Aeryn at the moment, it seems. I don't read many blogs or forums, but a friend supplies me occasionally with stuff she considers worthwhile... Well, most people seem to agree that This Is Not Our Aeryn Anymore. Some take this quite literally, suggesting that the bioloid might have been on board Moya a lot longer than just since BHTB. Some just say it's inconsistent writing. Well, I dunno. I'm reasonably sure that, at least physically, it *is* our Aeryn all right. And all the strange changes in her behaviour I still tend to explain by reference to her months-long absence from Moya at the beginning of the season. We still don't know what happened there - and chances are we won't, not for a long time, anyway.

Other notes: obviously, I need to watch the ep again (and again and again and again and again... you know how it is), but a few things that struck me:

- Noranti and Rygel: very touching scene, between these two unlikely charactes. Only Farscape could have a truly touching scene between a two foot high greenish-grey (and peeling!) Muppet and a shriveled old woman with three eyes and monstrous ears. Incredible.

- D'Argo and Chiana: okay, I'm not a shipper, not by a long shot, but can I just go 'wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!' here for a moment???

- D'Argo has grown on me a *lot*. Also, he seems to be seriously growing up.

- Chiana never needed to grow on me, loved her from the beginning.

- Sikozu's people. Great, understated culture building there. Just a few hints here and there...

- Colour direction. Every FS ep seems to have its own colour. This one was sort of a brownish red.

- John/Aeryn shippiness: Let me repeat it: I am *not* a shipper. But seeing John sitting on the floor besides Aeryn's bed, sleeping, exhausted, leaning his head against the bed, and her stroking him ever so gently...... -- *melts*

- But my joy at the intensity of that moment is nothing compared to my happiness about the return of Harvey. Hezmana, I'm evil. I'm actually *happy* to see yet another stress factor resurface in John's already not exactly easy life! *g* But it's hard not to enjoy the interaction between the two, and the weird forms their enounters take on -- 'I am the undead!' *snort*.
And, frell, it's hard not to be fascinated by John's ongoing struggle with madness. I'm not sure I want to know what that says about me, but... there it is. Everybody who knows me a bit knows that I was frustrated when they seemed to remove the Harvey problem so easily in 'Promises'. Felt like a cop-out to me. I'm glad it turned out to be just a ruse.

I still can't believe that, if Skiffy have their way, there's only three more eps to go, and all those intriguing plot lines will be left dangling. Frell you, Skiffy. (Sorry, needed that.)

*****

All right, change of topic. The second most important thing in my life at the moment is of course the Spanish course. I've sort of caught up with the rest of the class now, and am feeling pretty good. I have to take care not to develop a crush for my teacher, though. He's kind of... hmmmm. Cute? Not really, but I like him. ´s far as I know him, which is not very far.

Which reminds me I should write a bit faster, 'cause I still have my 'deberes' to do.

*****

Okay. Next topic. Miles Vorkosigan. The other man in my life right now, courtesy of Lois McMaster Bujold. (LOL.) I don't feel like going into details here and now, as it's not yet an obsession, but I must say, the books are fun. Great fun. I'm not much for military SF, usually, but this series is interesting because of its characters and a nicely ironic touch, and the hero is such an unusual character that he's really almost the antithesis of the typical hero. But why the frell do strong women always have to have red hair??? ;-)

*****

Birmingham update: Told the foreign students' office that I would like to go there this autumn, and got a very encouraging reply that basically said that usually, once you're there, funds can be found to make a second semester possible. So, there's definitely hope for a whole year yet. :-)

*****

And finally, it looks like I will be doing some kind of presentation at this year's DortCon, in about three and a half weeks. It requires me to go directly to Dortmund from Barcelona, to speak to a probably tiny audience, but hey, the things I'm doing for Farscape...
You ask why I'm doing this? Well, same answer as the nasty answer from Aeryn's goddess: because I can. - And because it's important to me that the fandom survives and spreads, as much as possible, under these difficult conditions, because I still believe that fandom can be an important power in making a future for the show possible. So, it's simple, really. I think something needs to be done; I feel like I can do it, and that probably no one will do it if I don't do it myself, and hence, I do it. And that's that.)

Okay, and now off to my homeworks and then to bed.