Thinking out aloud...
May. 12th, 2004 01:39 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hmpfAll the depressive stuff you've been reading here lately, that doesn't come out of nowhere. It's been festering in my not-quite-subconscious for some while. And now that I'm thrown back on myself, without (pretty much) the welcome distractions of friendship that usually sugarcoat my frustrations, I finally have to face some painful truths about myself. These are accentuated by the experience of a foreign, much more demanding university system, and my first confrontation with the reality of the job market.
The truths I am talking about here are 1.) I have no chance at all on the job market as a goldsmith, because I am, despite my love of the craft, quite horrible at it. That wouldn't be quite so alarming if it weren't for truth no. 2.), which is: I am also a horrible student.
Oh, I am reasonably intelligent, and over the years many people have (mis)taken me for somewhat gifted in various ways (I probably am, but not in any way that might be useful for anything, I think). I am even reasonably interested in my subjects. However, I lack the ambition, or the will, to really *use* my brains. In other words, I am lazy as hell. I am not sure whether that is because I am afraid of failure - finding out I am not as bright as I think I am - or whether it is because I really want to do something else with my life.
Whatever the reasons for my academic underachieving, taken together, the above quoted truths spell out a bigger, more disturbing truth, namely: I am going nowhere, fast.
I am 27 going on 28, I have a useless degree, I am working on another that promises to be just as useless, particularly if I keep my results almost deliberately mediocre (e.g. by failing an exam I could easily have passed, and perhaps passed with a great mark, simply due to lack of effort), I have never held down a proper job, I have no qualifications that might get me one that promises any kind of future, my parents are still paying my bills, and I have no frelling idea what I want to do with my life. Except for some rather scary dreams of a life of art that will never allow me to support myself and that I may not be creative or gifted enough for, anyway.
Of course, I've known all this for years, but somehow, it never seemed very real, until now.
The truth is, I have to get off this track, and soon, or I will end up in some dead-end. I just don't know how to turn my misdirected life into some more useful direction.
There you have it. Now you also know why I tend not only to have crushes on, but also to identify strongly with people like Joel. He's a loser of exactly the kind I can see myself becoming.
The truths I am talking about here are 1.) I have no chance at all on the job market as a goldsmith, because I am, despite my love of the craft, quite horrible at it. That wouldn't be quite so alarming if it weren't for truth no. 2.), which is: I am also a horrible student.
Oh, I am reasonably intelligent, and over the years many people have (mis)taken me for somewhat gifted in various ways (I probably am, but not in any way that might be useful for anything, I think). I am even reasonably interested in my subjects. However, I lack the ambition, or the will, to really *use* my brains. In other words, I am lazy as hell. I am not sure whether that is because I am afraid of failure - finding out I am not as bright as I think I am - or whether it is because I really want to do something else with my life.
Whatever the reasons for my academic underachieving, taken together, the above quoted truths spell out a bigger, more disturbing truth, namely: I am going nowhere, fast.
I am 27 going on 28, I have a useless degree, I am working on another that promises to be just as useless, particularly if I keep my results almost deliberately mediocre (e.g. by failing an exam I could easily have passed, and perhaps passed with a great mark, simply due to lack of effort), I have never held down a proper job, I have no qualifications that might get me one that promises any kind of future, my parents are still paying my bills, and I have no frelling idea what I want to do with my life. Except for some rather scary dreams of a life of art that will never allow me to support myself and that I may not be creative or gifted enough for, anyway.
Of course, I've known all this for years, but somehow, it never seemed very real, until now.
The truth is, I have to get off this track, and soon, or I will end up in some dead-end. I just don't know how to turn my misdirected life into some more useful direction.
There you have it. Now you also know why I tend not only to have crushes on, but also to identify strongly with people like Joel. He's a loser of exactly the kind I can see myself becoming.
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no subject
Date: 2004-05-12 01:47 pm (UTC)