Thinking out aloud...

[hmpf]

All the depressive stuff you've been reading here lately, that doesn't come out of nowhere. It's been festering in my not-quite-subconscious for some while. And now that I'm thrown back on myself, without (pretty much) the welcome distractions of friendship that usually sugarcoat my frustrations, I finally have to face some painful truths about myself. These are accentuated by the experience of a foreign, much more demanding university system, and my first confrontation with the reality of the job market.

The truths I am talking about here are 1.) I have no chance at all on the job market as a goldsmith, because I am, despite my love of the craft, quite horrible at it. That wouldn't be quite so alarming if it weren't for truth no. 2.), which is: I am also a horrible student.

Oh, I am reasonably intelligent, and over the years many people have (mis)taken me for somewhat gifted in various ways (I probably am, but not in any way that might be useful for anything, I think). I am even reasonably interested in my subjects. However, I lack the ambition, or the will, to really *use* my brains. In other words, I am lazy as hell. I am not sure whether that is because I am afraid of failure - finding out I am not as bright as I think I am - or whether it is because I really want to do something else with my life.

Whatever the reasons for my academic underachieving, taken together, the above quoted truths spell out a bigger, more disturbing truth, namely: I am going nowhere, fast.

I am 27 going on 28, I have a useless degree, I am working on another that promises to be just as useless, particularly if I keep my results almost deliberately mediocre (e.g. by failing an exam I could easily have passed, and perhaps passed with a great mark, simply due to lack of effort), I have never held down a proper job, I have no qualifications that might get me one that promises any kind of future, my parents are still paying my bills, and I have no frelling idea what I want to do with my life. Except for some rather scary dreams of a life of art that will never allow me to support myself and that I may not be creative or gifted enough for, anyway.

Of course, I've known all this for years, but somehow, it never seemed very real, until now.

The truth is, I have to get off this track, and soon, or I will end up in some dead-end. I just don't know how to turn my misdirected life into some more useful direction.

There you have it. Now you also know why I tend not only to have crushes on, but also to identify strongly with people like Joel. He's a loser of exactly the kind I can see myself becoming.

Comments

[forestgreen.livejournal.com]

I feel as if you had picked my brain and say the sames things I've been pondering about lately (sanc the goldsmith thingy, which I have no clue about how to do). My degree might not be useless, but the idea of working on that field for 40 years surely doesn't feel all that welcoming to me, even if I manage to get a job.

And the sad part is that I keep ignoring the conversations I have with myself, when I bother to have it, drowning the voice of my conscience with more slash fanfic or whatever else comes handy.

[jazzymegster.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I think it may be a feeling that many...

[hmpf.livejournal.com]

people have these days. It may be a combination of several things - firstly, there's the less-than-perfect economical situation which makes it difficult to find jobs in general; secondly, I think part of the problem is that nowadays we grow up with the expectation (and it feels almost like a moral *duty*) to find the perfect job, the perfect lifestyle - what we're experiencing here may be the flip side of 'Selbstverwirklichung': the guilt and doubt you feel when you realise that neither you nor reality can live up to that ideology, and you had better get used to reality.

[maramcc.livejournal.com]

Sorry if I haven't replied for a while, but I was trying to mull over a response rather than give a quick "I, like, totally relate! Word!"

First - I, like, totally relate! Word!

Important: you do NOT have to reply to the gibberish that follows. It should be taken as stuff to think about, nichts mehr.

If not studying abroad, do you think your academics would be better? I mean in the sense of what studying abroad IS - studying in a language not your own, surrounded by natives with different customs and so on, plus a different educational sytem? I've never been tempted to study outside of my country, and I admire those who can and do, but I wonder if, in the end, do you think it was Good that you've done this, or Bad?

I don't remember where you're studying now, but is it there that you've been jobhunting? What's it iike in Deutschland? Not just jobs being available, but the Cult of Getting a Job? It exists wherever that there are humans, but in a different way, depending on the culture of said humans.

Does Uni have any kind of student counseling, or better yet, other counseling services available? Not for practical knowledge and advice, but someone who can help you figure out your path. The Uni I attended in California had all sorts of free services for students, such as medical, dental, even mental health. I found this out the hard way, when I needed surgery to remove a huge stye in my eye, gave up and said "Screw this; I'll pay the damned medical fee!", and then discovered that I owed nothing. I could've been getting my teeth cleaned for free all those years!

Ah, to live in a Star Trek world, where everybody apparently gets all this wonderful counseling so they can fulfill their destiny. (cue "Superman" theme)