Old inferiority complex transmogrified

[hmpf]

Back in the days when I began to take writing fanfic seriously, I discovered I couldn't enjoy reading fanfic in the fandoms I was writing anymore - especially really good fanfic. I compared myself to the writers I was reading, and found myself lacking, all too often. That's why I never read most of the really famous Farscape fan writers who had begun their ascent just around the time I started writing Farscape. That's why I nearly completely stopped reading Highlander. Thankfully, I've recently gotten over that silly inferiority complex thing, at least where my writing is concerned. I can enjoy fanfic in my writing fandoms again, and I'm glad of that. Partly, I think, this has to do with my increased belief in my skill (or at least potential) as a writer. So, I thought I had left that complex behind for good.

Well, apparently not. 'Cause now it's beginning to interfere with my enjoyment of fanvids.

Today, legendary vidder Luminosity posted a Life On Mars vid. I downloaded it, but I'm almost terrified of watching it. I know I'm being silly - especially since comparing myself to Luminosity is nothing short of hubris - yet I can't help myself.

Oh, I'll watch it eventually, I'm sure.

But, yeah, something in me's trembling at the thought, and not with pleasant anticipation as it should.

Silly, eh?

Comments

[chasarumba.livejournal.com]

Oh, I've felt that so many times! I almost kicked myself when I downloaded LithiumDoll's In Your Honor back in January when I was working on a vid...total destruction in the wake of watching it. And that ended up being a good thing, but it could have easily gone the other way (well, it *did* go the other way initially, but then there was recovery and growth).

I really enjoy Lum's vids overall -- she's got such great insight into characters. I did watch her Life On Mars vid, and it's quite good. Not astonishing, IMO, but solidly well done, as I would expect from her. Right now, *any* Life On Mars vids are a good thing, frankly :) But don't be terrified of it, or maybe just save it until after you're done with your own. There's plenty of room for your vid in this new fandom. An eager audience, in fact! And even in the draft stage in which I last saw it, your vid was strong...no worries about putting it out there with the works of any of vidding's heavy hitters (I think such reputations are generally exaggerated, anyway, and part of the whole cliquish side of LJ that I don't care for).

Yeah, I'll save it until I'm done, I think.

[hmpf.livejournal.com]

Hmm. It's kind of comforting to know that you are still getting awed occasionally, too. A bit frustrating, too, though, 'cause if *you* still get that feeling, then does that mean it will never stop?

Odd you should mention In Your Honor - that's one of the vids I watched yesterday evening. Yes, I've finally started watching my 7 GB of FS vids, in an effort to free up some more disk space... There's still a long way to go, though; several hundreds of vids, I think. In Your Honor is great - very good use of effects. For a while I felt that LithiumDoll was overusing effects, and often those didn't do all that much to enhance the vid's theme or story or whatever, and yet (or so it seemed to me) everyone 'oooh'd and 'aaah'd at them because they were new and shiny. But in In Your Honor (and many of her other more recent vids, really) they fulfill their purpose marvellously. (I'm not a great fan of effects; I feel they rarely really enhance a vid, and very often are a kind of lazy way out, or even actively detract from a vid's overall effect - many effects are just a bit silly, IMO. There are, of course, exceptions - your vids come to mind, as does In Your Honor, or Dallascaper's Scorpy Went Down To Georgia.)

In general, though, LithiumDoll does not scare me so much. Maybe that is because I still remember her first vids (which showed promise, but weren't immediately excellent), so I know it took her a while to get where she is now. What scares me more are people like you and tazey who seem to suddenly pop up in the fandom as, pardon the term, fully formed geniuses. ;-) Of course, with you I don't know your earlier vids (I think the Angel and Buffy vids are mostly a bit earlier than the Farscape vids, right?), so I may have missed the beginning of your learning curve. And, of course, with you and tazey both I also have to keep in mind that you're both probably obsessive perfectionists (or that's the impression I get from what I've gleaned of your vidding process at Kansas/Terra Firma and around here, anyway), and will keep working on something when other people will long have given up. So, it's probably a case of genius being 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration. ;-) (And, hey, I'm not doing too badly on the obsessive perfectionism front, myself! Takes me years to finish a seven-page story... )

Anyway... if I say that you scare me, that's not quite true anymore, of course. It's hard to maintain a constant mode of hero worship with someone you're having conversations like this one with. And getting encouraging feedback from you has certainly helped a lot to convince me that I'm sort of on the right path, even if I still haven't conquered Premiere...

Re: Yeah, I'll save it until I'm done, I think.

[tazey.livejournal.com]

What scares me more are people like you and tazey who seem to suddenly pop up in the fandom as, pardon the term, fully formed geniuses

If only...

And, of course, with you and tazey both I also have to keep in mind that you're both probably obsessive perfectionists

That's not necessarily a good thing. It can be incredibly crippling.

It was easy at first in Farscape because even though I rarely rewatch eps, the conversations kept the show and the scenes fresh in my mind. If I wanted to vid something X-Files covering say 6 seasons right now, I'd have to rewatch over 120 eps (with said project in mind) that I haven't seen in years, take notes to make sure that the clip I'd choose for this specific moment was the best possible clip and that no other could do it better. It's a huge investment of time and mind.

But then if I chose a short-length series like for instance Firefly, I'd most probably be frustrated by the lack of footage and having to reuse most of it (considering I'd picked the most interesting clips the first time around) in any other FF vid I'd ever consider doing.

If I tried to just do a Methos vid, I'd have to think of something no one else has done before and whether my angle is original/personal enough to consider spending that much time on it.

If I was just considering making a new vid, I'd have to be sure it would bring me something different than the ones I've done before, that it's not just original per se but in the process involved as well.

Perfectionism really takes the fun out of it. I'm not smart enough or prolific enough to be able to enjoy perfectionism along with the fun. I'd certainly trade a little perfectionism for a whole bucket of fun. ;)
I do admire those, like LithiumDoll, who can work at a high quality level for a staggering number of vids.

So, if you can, hold on to the fun part, at least for now, when it's only the beginning. You'll have plenty of time to bang your head against the wall later. :)

Oh, believe me, I know about perfectionism.

[hmpf.livejournal.com]

Both about the good, and the bad sides of it. I'm an incurable perfectionist. (When I say it takes me years to finish a seven-page story that's the truth, not an exaggeration - I rewrite incessantly. I suspect I'll be the same with vidding.)

But I can't help it, and what's more: losing the perfectionism also means losing the fun, because I'm only happy with a result that meets my quality criteria. I've recently taken a look at some of my more hastily written (couple of days to couple of months) fics from years ago, and I'm just so much happier with the ones that took me years to write! True, the *process* can be a pain, at times - but it's the result that lasts. I'd rather have years of looking at a fic or vid after finishing it and thinking 'hey, that's pretty nifty', even if they come at the price of months or years of intermittent frustration, rather than a couple of weeks of fun resulting in something I'll look at later thinking 'what the hell was I thinking?'

Re: You vidding Methos! You must be kidding! How can you feel that everything worthwhile has already been said in that fandom? There are maybe two dozen vids out there, and perhaps ten of those are really good - and that's it. There's oodles of space for new vids!

I'll have wet dreams about a Methos vid by you for weeks now. Frell.

Which reminds me... LithiumDoll said something about wanting to vid Methos, too, years ago... but she never did. :-(

I can sort of understand the difficulty, of course - there's just so little material - you could probably edit it all down to a lenght of three eps or so! Still, that can also make things easier: at least it means you don't have to sift through hundreds of hours of potential material... I've half a mind of tackling a Methos vid next, mainly *because* the material is so limited. I'd love to try Farscape, too - not that I have anything hugely original to say about it, but I just love the show so much I wouldn't mind reiterating a common theme that's been done a dozen times before. Also, it's just such a rewarding show for vidding, from a purely visual standpoint - all that colour and contrast and motion and great camera work! But, uhm, 88 eps. 30 GB of free disk space. Impossibility.)

Re: Oh, believe me, I know about perfectionism.

[tazey.livejournal.com]

Re: You vidding Methos!

Hold on your panties horses! It was just an example like X-Files and Firefly. You mentioned Highlander at some point and I thought Methos because he's the one I've been hearing about with sighs and squees.

I'd rather have years of looking at a fic or vid after finishing it and thinking 'hey, that's pretty nifty', even if they come at the price of months or years of intermittent frustration, rather than a couple of weeks of fun resulting in something I'll look at later thinking 'what the hell was I thinking?'

Well, there's always retconning and/or hiring someone from the Bush administration to cover it up later. *g*

Methos

[hmpf.livejournal.com]

Awwwwwww.

(I'll probably dream of it, anyway.)

BTW, sorry about the fangirling.

[hmpf.livejournal.com]

I'll get over it, I promise. ;-)

Re: BTW, sorry about the fangirling.

[tazey.livejournal.com]

You mean I don't have to send the checks anymore? ;)

Re: BTW, sorry about the fangirling.

[hmpf.livejournal.com]

I prefer payment in vids, anyway. ;-)

Re: Yeah, I'll save it until I'm done, I think.

[chasarumba.livejournal.com]

A bit frustrating, too, though, 'cause if *you* still get that feeling, then does that mean it will never stop?

I'd be so worried if it ever went away. As much as it is sometimes defeating (in the "oh my God, I should just quit because I'll never be in that league" sense) it is also the thing that pushes me forward creatively. When I danced competitively, it was the same thing...there was no "mastery" to be achieved, rather the idea of always being in pursuit of ever-moving goals.

I'm not a great fan of effects; I feel they rarely really enhance a vid, and very often are a kind of lazy way out, or even actively detract from a vid's overall effect - many effects are just a bit silly, IMO. There are, of course, exceptions - your vids come to mind, as does In Your Honor, or Dallascaper's Scorpy Went Down To Georgia.

This is something I've pondered quite a lot recently. Obviously, I'm not shy of using effects :) I've discovered that I don't really even like the *term* "effects," because it's so often used in a pejorative way. To me, every editing technique -- from the most basic to the most complex -- has an effect. Using a straight cut has an effect. Using a shiny thingamabob has an effect. They're tools that are neither inherently good nor bad. How they're USED can definitely make them horrifying...heh. I want to learn about as many of these tools as possible so that I'll have the largest range of available options when editing...ways in which to enhance and strengthen the bond between music and story. My continuing challenge is to expand my range of knowledge and then try very hard to apply it appropriately. It's inevitable that in the process of experimenting with this, I'm going to make choices that fall flat with some people. Wider range of options = more difficult choices. That's OK.

I guess I end up falling somewhere in the middle of the spectrum on effects. There's the "silly" place that you mention...where effects are used (like some of the truly awful transition presets found in different editing suites) without much thought or care, just because they're there. Some of those vids are utter messes; some can be beautifully done, but there's not much in them beyond curb appeal. And then on the other end of the spectrum there are the militant straight cuts/crossfades ONLY people, who act like you've soiled yourself in public if you dare to utilize other editing techniques. That I find almost as lazy as the haphazard use of effects. I don't have a problem with the choice to only ever use basic editing techniques; I *do* have a problem with those who claim that this is the single best way to vid. Pshaw. It's a big, beautiful world and a lot of ways to skin the cat.

What scares me more are people like you and tazey who seem to suddenly pop up in the fandom as, pardon the term, fully formed geniuses. ;-)

As tazey said, if only! My first vid (indeed, the Jossverse stuff is older) is predictably bad, not that I didn't do the best I could at the time. I will never remaster it in any way, though...it's good to see where you've come from. And I still feel rather formless and constantly shifting :)

Stopping before this becomes a thesis...I don't get to talk vidding with many people, so I apologize for going on and on and on...

Re: Yeah, I'll save it until I'm done, I think.

[hmpf.livejournal.com]

>I'd be so worried if it ever went away.

Hmm, I dunno. Maybe our feelings of being awed are a bit different after all - mine's mostly destructive. It discourages me, *and* destroys my enjoyment of others' good work. And, as I said, I've recently lost that feeling about fanfic in my writing fandoms, and I don't think I'm challenging myself any less now just because I feel less awed by the competition. I still get instances of 'wow, I could never do that!', of course, but I manage to counter them with a firm 'well, maybe I can't do *that*, but I can be good in my *own* way.' And that's the mental place I need to reach for vidding, too, I think.

I think my desire to produce good and *different* work and to constantly push myself is pretty much intrinsic, it doesn't depend so much on competition. In fact, I tend to give up more easily in the face of competition, and find it easier to excel when I manage to *really* push any thought of what others may or may not be doing better than me from my mind.

So, yeah, I think I could do with a little less angst in my vidding experience. But the angst will probably grow less as I see myself growing as a vidder, at least if my vidding development should turn out to parallel my writing development.

Re: effects (or, if you prefer the term: shiny thingamabobs *g*): Well, my mostly negative reaction to them comes from the careless way in which they are used by many vidders, of course. Naturally, the shiny thingamabobs aren't evil in and of themselves. But I have a lot more respect for someone who manages to use internal movement in a clip or clever, rhythmic editing to visually underline or punctuate something (god, it's hard to talk about these things... I lack the vocabulary) than for someone who just puts a quick flash from the effects box there. That does not mean that flashes etc. can't work better than internal movement or whatever in many instances. It just means that I wish people would think a bit more about what they use their effects for, and whether there is, perhaps, a more creative, and often also more poignant solution. (And I wish people would refrain from using the silly ones, which, incidentally or not so incidentally, means just about *any* of the presets in Windows Movie Maker. People should shun those like the plague!)

Also, there are some absolutely stunning vids done with just straight cuts and perhaps a few fades - some of my favourites belong in that category, in fact. I'm not saying people should necessarily limit themselves to that, but doing so *can* be a valid aesthetic choice. Voluntarily restricting yourself to certain tools can be quite a challenge. Also, I think that's a wise thing for beginners to do - learn the basics first, and then later try to learn how to master the shiny thingamabobs. ;-) Cause that takes yet another kind of mastery.

Gah, I'm rambling, sorry. I think we're actually pretty much in agreement here, although with my rambling that may be difficult to tell, at times... *g*

Re: remastering old stuff: Yeah, I'll never rewrite my very first fic, either - and I'm keeping it on my website as a historical document of my beginnings. I *am* rewriting some of the later early ones, though, because I like the ideas in them too much, and think I could really improve them a bit now.

As for being 'rather formless and constantly shifting' - that's a good thing. How could creativity be anything but formless and shifting? Wouldn't that mean stagnation? What I meant when I talked about 'fully formed' above was not that your work is monolithic or anything, but rather that there is a consistently high *quality* about it. But the shifting nature is *part* of that quality.

Re: Yeah, I'll save it until I'm done, I think.

[chasarumba.livejournal.com]

And that's the mental place I need to reach for vidding, too, I think.

I think you *will* get there with vidding as well, given time. I can understand how discouraging and disheartening it is to get mired in the bad angst...I've gone through periods of that, just not as much lately.

And until you start to turn the corner with that, likely after you've gotten a few vids under your belt, I don't think there's anything wrong with limiting your vid-watching while you're working on a project. I tune out of a lot of things when I'm vidding heavily (uh, housework being one that I *shouldn't* disengage from so much)...and come back to them later when I'm ready to expand my focus again.

Yep, I think we're on the same page...thanks for the opportunity to ramble with someone who mulls over these same topics :)

As for reputations...

[hmpf.livejournal.com]

my respect for Luminosity is older than my involvement in LJ fandom. I'm from Highlander fandom initially, and Luminosity was one of the very first vidders to put Highlander vids on the net. There's only a very small online presence for Highlander vidding fandom - only around ten vidders, I think - so it's easy to know (of) everyone. So, this is where my knowledge of Luminosity comes from. It has very little to do with LJ or the reputation she may enjoy here.

As for reputations often being a bit exaggerated... well, yeah, maybe. Then again, where there's smoke, there's usually fire. Luminosity *is* great. Is she *the* best? No. But she's certainly in my vidding top ten, and that's a pretty exclusive club. (Of course, I can only judge vidders active in fandoms where I watch vids.) Did I mention you're in my top three? Don't ask where exactly - the positions are shifting, anyway. *g* And I'm not saying this to flatter you - just to show you that I can see why you wouldn't be all *that* impressed by Luminosity.

Re: As for reputations...

[chasarumba.livejournal.com]

Just very quickly and I'll be back with more ramblings later... ;)

And I'm not saying this to flatter you - just to show you that I can see why you wouldn't be all *that* impressed by Luminosity.

Oh, I'm very impressed with her -- she's one of the first vidders I watched with awe and things like Scooby Road moved me to tears (the utter *scope* of it combined with her love and knowledge of Buffy...staggering). I'm just saying that I don't put too much stock in reputations...a "nobody" vidder can produce an utterly spectacular vid that gets no attention/recognition and a revered vidder can certainly turn out a clunker that people oooh and aahhhh over anyway...because of reputation.

And top three? Gah. I've a long way to fall, then :)

Reputations

[hmpf.livejournal.com]

Oh, definitely - never rely entirely on reputations. That's why I'm such a completist in Farscape vidding fandom. I want to know all the unknown gems, as well.

One of my favourite vids, for example, is schala's "El Tango de Roxanne". It's a bit of a shame that it's only available in a fairly crappy quicktime version - but if you look past the pixelation, it has everything: great concept, consistent narrative, excellent editing... yet schala only ever did two vids, and unfortunately fandom often forgets people who don't produce large quantities of stuff.

BTW: Odd, I don't get notifications for replies from you anymore.

[steelvictory.livejournal.com]

I'm a huge fan of Luminosity's, and I think that for a beginning vidder, you have nothing to worry about. Watch it, enjoy it, and maybe get some ideas for future projects down the road. That becomes my motto whenever I get my inferiority slumps with my writing.

Yeah, but that's not how my inferiority complexes work.

[hmpf.livejournal.com]

They're based on unhealthy degree of perfectionism, you see? The thing is, I don't tolerate my own imperfections very well - *especially* not in a first work. It has to be perfect, or as close to perfect as possible. It does *not* have to be the most complex or effects-laden video ever made, but it does have to achieve what I set out to do to the very best of my ability: the very best vid you could make without using a lot of special effects, based on a relatively slow song. That means the narrative needs to be flawless, the timing has to be as precise as possible, there has to be optimal use of internal movement, and the rhythm and other features of the music need to be made the best possible use of (without resorting to lots of special effects, cause I think trying to learn how to handle *those* is something I should keep for my second vid or later).

So that's what I'm trying to do, and that is what Luminosity is already so very good at. And - hubris or no - I just can't live very well with being any less good. I know there's a learning curve and all... I just don't deal well with learning curves.

I think 'hubris' should be my middle name.