Edited not once, not twice, but thrice (because I'm a bit incoherent tonight)!

Twelve hits for Starving... from the 'gen: dark' recs thread at lifein1973. I wonder how many of those readers liked it. Probably not too many.

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My sleep rhythm is so out of whack it's beyond ridiculous. Tonight (The fact that I'm mixing up "today" and "tonight" says it all, really.)Today I had to work at a quarter to eight in the morning. I hadn't slept. I'd spent all night staring at my frelling Ambrose Bierce paper. So I just went to work without sleep. And when I came back from work, two hours later (I could try to explain the highly irregular shifts to you, but chances are you'd just be confused; heck: I'm confused!) fell into bed and slept until five in the afternoon. Then got pizza, and proceeded to stare at my paper some more. (Interrupted by two hours of Dexter.) Of course, the day and night before weren't any better, either. And considering it's 2 a.m. and I still haven't finished the friggin' paper this one doesn't seem likely to shape up any better, either.

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Writer's block from hell. The paper's now five or six weeks overdue, and about one page and some footnotes from finished. It's been about that far from (or close to) finished for weeks now. It's not difficult, either. It's just... bleh. I don't know. I can't finish it. I sit there staring at the screen and nothing happens. Feeling incredibly stupid. And afraid of my M.A., for which I should be preparing already, if I weren't trying to write that frelling paper.

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Less than three months left before I have to start writing my thesis.

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Dexter rocks. So do fanvids.

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ETA: I've figured out the problem with my paper. It's so fucking pointless. I've never been good at coping with pointlessness.

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ETA: "Frustrated" is a bit of an understatement really. I feel like shit, actually.

I've rarely been so disgusted with something I've written.

I'm about to finish my Bierce essay/paper, and boy, does it suck. Mind you, I'm not saying it will get a bad grade necessarily. But it has nearly no real content whatsoever; it's the most pointless thing I've ever written in a uni context. I can sort of see how it would be possible to make it better, but that would require such amounts of extra time and, likely, more research - not to mention at least ten more pages on top of an already over-long 27 - that I don't think it's worth it, especially seeing as how I really don't care.

But it's painful. I really have to force myself to continue, constantly give myself mental kicks in the ass. I'm not good at producing crap intentionally. The writer's block of the last few weeks was largely my inner perfectionist refusing to cooperate with a conscious attempt to fudge things.

I've got my inner perfectionist wrestled down now, but oh, it still hurts. I can see the gaping holes in what I'm writing, the way nothing really hangs together or forms anything approaching a coherent argument, and there's a strong urge in me to fix it. Only reason is telling me not to. It's not worth investing any more time in; it's 27 pages of wasted time and energy and brain cells as it is. (Though to be honest, I don't think I wasted many brain cells on this, really. It was written with my brain on less than half its capacity, and it reads like it.)

Okay. Done.

Crap, but done.

(No, I didn't work non-stop since the last post. I slept through most of the morning/early afternoon. Yes, I'm completely nocturnal now. I go to bed after sunrise and get up when the sun begins to set. Also, I apparently should have gone to work yesterday night. Ooops. I get a feeling I won't have this job for long... I love my job, actually, but the irregular hours are completely messing with my head. I think I've managed to forget a shift five times in less than a year now. Which is just... too much, I think.)

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I should probably eat something now. And take a shower/wash my hair.

And then go to bed with some Dexter.

It just occurred to me...

since I'm posting most of my RL stuff (except for exceedingly angsty stuff) under my 'fanatic' icon, that people might wonder... Yes, that is me in the picture. *g* No, I'm not usually blue. I'm not even a proper costumer. Basically, there was an occasion, during the Save Farscape campaign, where we needed an eye-catcher for a con table. We figured dressing up a few people as Farscape aliens would do the trick. Since I'm willing to do nearly anything you can imagine for fandom, no matter how silly, I volunteered to be one of the aliens. The pic is from the first costume test; the finished version looked a bit different (it included a full bald cap - painted blue, of course). The alien [is supposed to be/is inspired by] Zhaan, the Delvian priestess. I use it as my default icon because that's a bit how I try to be in fandom: peaceful and kind of zen. I mostly am, too - the LoM 2.08 thing earlier this year was the first time I've ever been involved in anything approaching wank, in nine years of fandom participation. It's very hard to upset me, and I try to be respectful of others. (You can ask beccatoria about my zen-ness, if you like. *g*)

The 'fanatic' caption is there because despite being zen about it, I *am* a fanatic, and that's why I'm on LJ. *g*

Sense of time = shot

Dammit, I just reduced my pizza to a cinder.

Off to buy a new one. *sigh*