No, I totally understand. When I first started on my own course of therapy in 2008 it was because I was not sure I would be able to make it to work through the panic attacks. I wasn't suicidal but I was terrified I'd do something to get myself fired, like just not show up. :(
Hang in there. You are doing all you can right now. *hugs*
to one who's been there: do/did you mention fandom to your therapist? I'm slightly afraid of that being pathologized. It's one of the things in my life I most definitely do *not* want to get rid of. But its importance itself makes it rather difficult to talk around. And yeah, I *am* obsessive and so on, so that definitely will look alarming to some mindsets.
I don't know when it came up, but I made sure to mention it fairly early (along with my bisexuality and polyamorous tendencies). It was important to me that my therapist be non-judgmental, because while I knew some of my behavior patterns were unhealthy/counter-productive, I never have believed that *what* I was interested in has anything to do with that. And, at the time, fanfic was very much my "well of sanity" (oh, the irony! hahaha); I think if she had tried to pathologize it, I would have looked for a different therapist.
My thought on finding a therapist is that if you don't feel like you can be utterly open and honest about EVERY aspect of your life with them, they are the wrong one for you. /2 cents.
I really do hope you get an appt. with someone soon!
Yeah... I think I'm just afraid that I won't have much of a choice here. I need help, and it's a small, small town, so in a way, I'll have to make do with what's available. The therapist I saw today was the one who came with the highest recommendations out of all of them, but she decided I needed another approach or something. She recommended four others, one of whom I'm going to call tomorrow. (Or maybe I'll call all of them. Depending on the result of that first call.)
I'm particularly afraid of mentioning my fannish obsessions because I'm inevitably also going to have to mention that I'm not having sex at all etc., so it's going to look very much like, "ooooh, she's suppressing her sex drive and channelling it all into obsessing about fictional characters and rock stars".... y'know, it lends itself to such an obvious interpretation. Which I think is mostly wrong.
In fact, I'm kind of afraid that the therapist will latch onto my weird (non)-sex life and see that as the source of all my problems or something. Whereas I'm pretty sure it's *at most* a symptom, rather than the source of anything, and possibly not even really a symptom but simply one of the weirder but not dysfunctional features of who I am. Because out of all the weird things about me, this is one that really, honestly, does not cause me any pain, discomfort, stress or angst.
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Date: 2012-01-19 10:17 pm (UTC)Thanks.
Date: 2012-01-19 10:29 pm (UTC)('Make it' in the sense of 'remain functional enough to work'. Nothing more alarming than that. Alarming enough for me, though.)
Re: Thanks.
Date: 2012-01-19 10:31 pm (UTC)Hang in there. You are doing all you can right now. *hugs*
From one (hopefully) soon-to-be therapee ;-)
Date: 2012-01-19 10:53 pm (UTC)Re: From one (hopefully) soon-to-be therapee ;-)
Date: 2012-01-19 11:16 pm (UTC)My thought on finding a therapist is that if you don't feel like you can be utterly open and honest about EVERY aspect of your life with them, they are the wrong one for you. /2 cents.
I really do hope you get an appt. with someone soon!
Re: From one (hopefully) soon-to-be therapee ;-)
Date: 2012-01-19 11:31 pm (UTC)I'm particularly afraid of mentioning my fannish obsessions because I'm inevitably also going to have to mention that I'm not having sex at all etc., so it's going to look very much like, "ooooh, she's suppressing her sex drive and channelling it all into obsessing about fictional characters and rock stars".... y'know, it lends itself to such an obvious interpretation. Which I think is mostly wrong.
Re: From one (hopefully) soon-to-be therapee ;-)
Date: 2012-01-19 11:35 pm (UTC)