Clarity test
Jun. 25th, 2010 01:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hmpfOkay, tell me if this is clear enough.
(Ignore possibly wonky grammar and vocabulary for now; this was written fast, when I was tired and without a dictionary. It's lacking the fifty rounds of rewriting my writing usually goes through before any of it is exposed to public scrutiny. But I need to know whether one crucial point is understandable here.)
Important bit of context: there was some talk about growing vegetables in a nuclear fallout zone in the previous scene.
**
The awkwardness Sam sensed earlier is still between them when they go to bed. Sam lies watching the last light of the day fading on the walls for a very long time.
In the morning, Bowie is on the stereo, pre-74, no unexpected songs or absences. Sam wanders the rooms in his pyjamas; finds Annie in the garden. He watches her silently, all through [SONG TITLE 1] and halfway through [SONG TITLE 2]. She moves among the beds, picking off browning leaves, then pulls a bunch of radishes from the loamy ground. When she rights herself and turns, her level gaze tells him she was aware of him all along. She does not wish him a good morning. He, likewise, says nothing.
They eat the radishes with their breakfast, and Sam thinks about millirem.
"These are delicious, actually," he says.
Annie frowns, as if suspicious. It is true, though: they are.
***
Okay, question time: What is Sam referring to when he says "These...":
a) radishes, or
b) millirem?
(Ignore possibly wonky grammar and vocabulary for now; this was written fast, when I was tired and without a dictionary. It's lacking the fifty rounds of rewriting my writing usually goes through before any of it is exposed to public scrutiny. But I need to know whether one crucial point is understandable here.)
Important bit of context: there was some talk about growing vegetables in a nuclear fallout zone in the previous scene.
**
The awkwardness Sam sensed earlier is still between them when they go to bed. Sam lies watching the last light of the day fading on the walls for a very long time.
In the morning, Bowie is on the stereo, pre-74, no unexpected songs or absences. Sam wanders the rooms in his pyjamas; finds Annie in the garden. He watches her silently, all through [SONG TITLE 1] and halfway through [SONG TITLE 2]. She moves among the beds, picking off browning leaves, then pulls a bunch of radishes from the loamy ground. When she rights herself and turns, her level gaze tells him she was aware of him all along. She does not wish him a good morning. He, likewise, says nothing.
They eat the radishes with their breakfast, and Sam thinks about millirem.
"These are delicious, actually," he says.
Annie frowns, as if suspicious. It is true, though: they are.
***
Okay, question time: What is Sam referring to when he says "These...":
a) radishes, or
b) millirem?
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no subject
Date: 2010-06-25 11:16 am (UTC)"Sam thinks about millirem while they eat radishes with their breakfast"
Also, I have no idea what millerim is, so I do not associate it with food, and therefore is not something that Sam would describe as delicious while he's eating radishes. *disconnect* LOL!
/2 cents
Yay, so many replies! You guys rock!
Date: 2010-06-25 03:53 pm (UTC)Hmm. This scene is very... vexing. I really, *really* like the essence, and most of the execution; but feel slightly iffy about some small aspects. Ah well. Probably should just type it up, put it in the file, and read it all in context again in a few days or weeks.
And, dammit, I just noticed Annie makes even less sense here than I thought she would. She's been weird ever since Sam came home - this whole sequence of scenes is basically a big, if very quiet, Annie vs. Sam outweirding competition. Or something. But in this scene, I think, Annie really is nearly incomprehensible, even in context.
Frell.
Gah... actually, I think this is a bunny. Sort of. The epic story of how DI Annie Tyler turned into a secret hippie after WW3. Arrgh. No, I'm *not* going to write that, dammit!
Re: Yay, so many replies! You guys rock!
Date: 2010-06-25 03:55 pm (UTC)Re: Yay, so many replies! You guys rock!
Date: 2010-06-25 05:14 pm (UTC)Sam would think in millirems, unless he's been educated in biological activity of radiation *recently* (which, OK, maybe). I think in millirems (American, but maybe they've changed the last 20 -- wouldn't count on it, we're still driving in mph). WTF is a Becquerel? :-}
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sievert#SI_multiples_and_conversions
The word order is ideal. Stand fast!
OK, that's all.
Re: Yay, so many replies! You guys rock!
Date: 2010-06-25 05:14 pm (UTC)Hello new person!
Date: 2010-06-25 05:25 pm (UTC)Interesting info there. Hmm. D'you think there's a British vs. American usage difference here, possibly? That may be why "millirem" felt so familiar to me - I did my research on the internet, where American usage tends to dominate...
But Sam's British. Born in 1969, hence mildly Cold War traumatised (hey, I was born in 1976 and *I'm* still mildly Cold War traumatised - this story is giving me no end of nightmares...) plus old enough to have experienced Chernobyl consciously. I'd expect his idea of radiation-related terminology would be shaped by those two experiences, primarily.
Re: Hello new person!
Date: 2010-06-25 05:48 pm (UTC)I had forgotten about Chernobyl! (Which is funny, since I've thought about it a lot in the last few years. Few months, too. :-/) I was thinking maybe emergency response training.
But you'd remember millirems if you went to school before the '90s, anyway, if it was in common use.
I bet my persnickety geek friends use Sv.
Too bad millirems scans so nicely.
Re: Hello new person!
Date: 2010-06-25 05:52 pm (UTC)I'm not British, I'm German.
Date: 2010-06-25 06:04 pm (UTC)Glad you like the word order! I like it, too! :-)
Re: Hello new person!
Date: 2010-06-25 05:53 pm (UTC)Maybe I need to post this question to little_details...
Re: Hello new person!
Date: 2010-06-25 06:01 pm (UTC)Yes! A bit overwhelming at times, mind you...
Date: 2010-06-25 06:11 pm (UTC)All of this, I guess, is a bit odd, as I'm *not* writing poetry. *g*
no subject
Date: 2010-06-25 11:23 am (UTC)They eat the radishes with their breakfast.
"These are delicious, actually," Sam says, thinking about millirems.
Thanks.
Date: 2010-06-25 04:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-25 11:27 am (UTC)Thanks.
Date: 2010-06-25 04:03 pm (UTC)Re: Thanks.
Date: 2010-06-25 04:27 pm (UTC)The equivalent in SI notation is (milli)Sieverts as being the measure of radiation dosage. The general UK population would probably talk more in Becquerels (activity) rather than Sieverts (dosage).
Funnily, I've *never* heard of the millirem - so that means it's not been taught in British schools for at least 15 years (possibly 20) - we always used Sv for dosage.
Re: Thanks.
Date: 2010-06-25 04:30 pm (UTC)Knowing Sam, I know which one I'd believe!
*G*
That ambiguity...
Date: 2010-06-25 04:43 pm (UTC)Re: Thanks.
Date: 2010-06-25 04:41 pm (UTC)Re: Thanks.
Date: 2010-06-25 04:56 pm (UTC)(Hey, Fahrenheit is only just dying out over here, and we adopted Celsius years ago!)
Ah, good to know more details of British language use on this!
Date: 2010-06-25 05:15 pm (UTC)I'm guessing the most commonly used terminology would probably be the military one, in that situation... but I don't know what that would be. Any ideas?
"... he thinkS..."
Date: 2010-06-25 05:15 pm (UTC)Re: Ah, good to know more details of British language use on this!
Date: 2010-06-26 03:04 pm (UTC)I think, personally, I'd go for Sieverts. We are talking dosage here, rather than activity.
Interesting idea - similiar (I think) to the one I used in The Northwich Horror, actually (although that's set in 1984, as Threads was set that year and that's the basis for it!
Re: Ah, good to know more details of British language use on this!
Date: 2010-06-26 03:15 pm (UTC)I hope mine's still somewhat original, though. Unless yours also veers sharply into 1950s technological utopianism territory after the War. :-)
I don't actually know yours, didn't even know it existed, and I think I probably shouldn't read it before I've finished mine. Although, on the other hand, if I read that would allow me a chance to retcon mine if necessary... hmm.
But maybe I could simply let you give it a quick read-over sometime, and you could tell me if you think it's retreading familiar ground?
Err. This sentence a word:
Date: 2010-06-26 03:17 pm (UTC)"... if I read IT that would allow me a chance etc."
Feeling a sense of déjà vue about this conversation.
Date: 2010-06-26 06:52 pm (UTC)Re: Feeling a sense of déjà vue about this conversation.
Date: 2010-06-27 12:29 am (UTC)Re: Feeling a sense of déjà vue about this conversation.
Date: 2010-06-27 11:33 am (UTC)I really wouldn't recommend reading it - at least until you've posted yours. And, personally, I think that even if elements are similiar, the two fic will be completely separate. But if you're really worried, I can look over it.
Re: Feeling a sense of déjà vue about this conversation.
Date: 2010-06-27 11:37 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-25 03:36 pm (UTC)Thanks.
Date: 2010-06-25 04:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-25 03:51 pm (UTC)Okay, that's three educated readers who don't know the word 'millirem',
Date: 2010-06-25 04:00 pm (UTC)See my reply to kimboosan above for a more detailed explanation of the subtext(s) of that scene, btw.
Of course you can't eat millirems. But grammatically, that would be a possible interpretation of that sequence of phrases, which is why I was worried about the comprehensibility here. But at least it seems as if *that* isn't what people found confusing.
no subject
Date: 2010-06-25 07:54 pm (UTC)Your gut instinct is right.
Date: 2010-06-25 08:00 pm (UTC)Oh, hey!
Date: 2010-06-25 08:13 pm (UTC)I think we've talked about this fic on ICQ, but just in case, here's a recap of the general situation:
(Unless you'd prefer to read this story unspoilt, when it's finished, in which case: don't read on, and forget I asked about the songs. Needless to say, @ anybody else: STOP READING NOW, unless you're a serious spoiler addict. ;-))
- It's 1986.
- Sam and Annie have been married since 1976 or so. (No children.)
- Margaret Thatcher died in 1974. History has been going slowly off the rails since then.
- There was a small-scale nuclear war in 1985.
- For which Sam blames himself, naturally.
- So he went mad for a bit, drove to the ruins of London to give himself radiation poisoning (a fit punishment, to him), and stopped speaking for a year.
- Now, he's just returned from a year-long stay in a mental hospital. He's about as 'normal' as he was before the war. I.e., still 'mad' by any conventional standard, but in control of himself again.
- In the meantime, both the Eastern and Western Blocs have fallen and been replaced by some kind of world government in a peaceful revolution.
- Oh, and Annie has turned into some kind of eco-hippie while Sam was mad. (The world in general has changed a lot, too.)
Yay for my gut! ;)
Date: 2010-06-25 09:18 pm (UTC)I shall give these all a listen over the weekend and let you know ASAP which tracks could be useable/mentionable :) (also hopefully I own all these so yay).
I approve of you offing Thatcher! XD
Re: Yay for my gut! ;)
Date: 2010-06-25 09:36 pm (UTC)Re: Yay for my gut! ;)
Date: 2010-06-25 09:38 pm (UTC)Re: Yay for my gut! ;)
Date: 2010-06-25 09:40 pm (UTC)Re: Yay for my gut! ;)
Date: 2010-06-25 09:44 pm (UTC)Re: Yay for my gut! ;)
Date: 2010-06-25 09:45 pm (UTC);-)
Re: Yay for my gut! ;)
Date: 2010-06-26 06:24 pm (UTC)Although I could totally buy that. It would explain sooooo much.
Re: Yay for my gut! ;)
Date: 2010-06-25 09:41 pm (UTC)Yeah, it took me ages to "get" that title. I felt so stupid when I realised, heh.
Re: Yay for my gut! ;)
Date: 2010-06-25 09:47 pm (UTC)That would be totally awesome. I keep meaning to start listening to Bowie, too... it's just there's so *much* music in the world that I want to listen to! So I never seem to get around to the 'old' stuff.
Re: Yay for my gut! ;)
Date: 2010-06-26 06:25 pm (UTC)