Selbsterkenntnis (January 6, 2003)

[hmpf]

Perhaps my central ‘trauma’ is growing up, because I seem to identify most with a special kind of sadness caused by a loss of innocence, a loss of freedom. . . it’s present in almost every book or film or series that ever moved me.
So what does it mean? -- Still growing up? Never growing up? Already grown up but regretting it?
Food for thought. . .

On second thought: I was oversimplifying. But it does seem to be a central theme for me. *A*, not the.

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Change

[(Anonymous)]

I have lost my way. I still remember it. It was a broad path, secured on both sides. How could I have misstepped? It was so safe. I am frightened now. Insecure. I don't know where I am going. Maybe I'm not going anywhere at all. The world around me keeps changing. *I* keep changing. And I fear change. I fear it more than anything. I have reached a bright city, bustling with life. There are gambling halls, whorehouses, hotels, bars, and lots of people. They all look happy. They are beckoning me to come in. But there is something else. Something inside me warns me to be careful. The right decision could bring me great riches, but one wrong step could plunge me into darkness. My broad path must be far away now. It would never have brought me here. Me? Brought me? My path? Who am I? Have I really lost my way? Or have I lost myself? Is the person I was maybe still walking on that broad, safe path? I feel alone among all these people. I remember being alone, even when I was still myself. But my old self was protected. The high and reassuring walls on either side of the road, how I miss them. Or do I? I don't know anymore. There is so much that I have forgotten. It all seems like dream. I'm just not sure if I was dreaming then and woke up, or if I was awake and fell asleep. But does it matter? Does it matter even though I can do nothing to change it? Change. Change. Change. It keeps haunting me. And change means questions. Questions about myself, my life. Questions that I cannot answer. That *I* cannot answer. Ridiculous. Who, if not I myself, knows me? I used to know so much about myself. I loved to think and talk about myself, because that used to be the one topic that I understood, that I thought I understood. And now? Change. It seems that every time I look into the mirror I see another person. And everything I thought I knew about the person reflected in the mirror is just a memory. Who am I? Who have I become? I keep asking myself this question. But I don't find an answer. Maybe there is none. Maybe it has been the wrong question all along. Maybe the question I should be asking is: Who do I *want* to become? But how can I decide this? How can I know where to go without the walls guiding me, keeping me from walking astray? I'm so frightened.