Guiltguiltguilt... and can I have 48-hour-days, please?

There are a million things I need to do for work, all URGENTURGENTURGENTURGENT. There are a million things I need to do outside of work, all URGENTURGENTURGENTURGENT SO MANY MISSED DEADLINES SO MANY FAILURES OF COMMUNICATION SO MUCH GUILT SO MUCH POSSIBLE LEGAL TROUBLE SO MUCH ARRRRRGH for every thing I do ten new ones crop up the to do list never gets shorter never never never never so much fucking missed sleep so much chaos total mess everywhere months before this place will look like a flat instead of a dump hungry thirsty so fucking tired so much work to do teaching in just a few hours ill-prepared again fucking useless sleepless need to cry can't need to talk can't need to sleep need to clean up this mess need to read plan structure collect questions ideas concepts need sleep can't sleep too busy too tense too tired So much URGENTURGENTURGENT stuff to do book a hotel for next week get rid of furniture before Thursday research stuff for Thursday set up new computer at work buy parts for old computer at home write so fucking many very very very important e-mails contact former roommates landlord think about money plan organise keep in mind dates appointments don't forget stuff book room for film screening fill out a million forms should have filled them out months ago should have done all this days/weeks/months ago shouldn't have taken a day off on Sunday can't afford days off weekend isn't for taking a day off it's for working on stuff you didn't manage during the week I need to learn that believe that live that not get stupid breakdowns of motivation stupid lack-of-energy phases stupid mini-burnouts I really really can't afford now

Everythingeverythingeverything's urgent everything

Okay, let's see...

There has to be a way to get on top of this.

Maybe if I can manage just *one* month of, hmm, what's still *just* humanly possible, sixteen-hour-days, maybe? Sixteen hours of true productiveness *has* to be possible, if it's just for a few weeks. ('course, next week I'll be losing most of the week, and all of the weekend, to a conference. Not much chance of getting anything done *there*, I wager.)

I *need* to get rid of this backlog. I can't go on with this backlog. Because with this backlog in place, everything new inevitably becomes backlog, too, and I set myself up for constant failure. I've already had six weeks of solid failure and I'm kind of sick of it. Also, not sure how much longer people will tolerate my atrocious sustained incompetence. I need to change.

The problem is that I keep getting these breakdowns, these sudden, unplanned attacks of slacking off. Haven't had many since I've been here, but I can't afford *any*, at the moment. Just lost most of the weekend to one, and I *really* would have needed that weekend to work. So today I've been working like crazy, but it's too late now, you can't squeeze two and a half days' worth of work into one day. (And even two and a half days probably wouldn't have been enough.) So tomorrow (today... it's only four more hours before my alarm clock will ring) will be another one of those torturous sessions where I don't know what to say at all.

I need to make myself *function* - function properly, like other, efficient, competent adults do. I know most people routinely handle twice as much as I do, without breaking down in the least. If I could just make myself function well, for just one month, I might have a chance.

Sorry about the panic attack yesterday night.

I really shouldn't panic about ridiculous stuff such as my petty day-to-day life.

Here's something actually worth panicking about.


Time to build a lifeboat, maybe? (But how? Ironically, the Lifeboat Foundation is mainly busy guarding against other, less likely and urgent risks.)

Realising...

... I really don't want to travel to America, no matter how necessary it is for my career. I really don't want another flight on my conscience. It's a resolution I made around 2008 (2007?), and I really don't want to compromise on it.

How do you explain that to your boss?

ETA: I suppose I could try to get a passage on a freight ship or something. Not that that's environmentally ideal... And of course it wouldn't work for the kind of short conference visit or whatever you typically do in my professional situation.

Speaking of short conference visits...

9./10. September. London. (Definitely not by plane. ;-))

I'll try to attach a proper holiday in Britain to it - my first real holiday in Britain. I want to actually see a bit of the country for a change. Maybe a walking holiday somewhere...

I'd be delighted (deliriously happy!) to meet up with fannish friends.

Whoah.

Need to book soon: if I booked today, I could get a (one-way) ticket to London for as little as 44 euros!

*adds 'plan & book holiday' to ever-growing 'To Do Very Soon List'*

ETA: What's the weather like in Britain in August vs. September? I need to decide whether to put the conference at the beginning, end, or in the middle of my stay...

Replies...

will not be ignored, I promise. But I can't reply to any more tonight, as I've had a very short night and a long day, still have a lot of work to do before I can go to bed, and am deadly tired already. Will try to get to comments tomorrow.