So, I was feeling like crap today
May. 5th, 2004 11:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hmpfand I couldn't stand the thought of going home, so I didn't. Instead I went and watched Jim Carrey feeling like crap, 'cause, you know, Jim Carrey is pretty when he looks like he feels like crap, and hence he's my crush of the month.
(Yep, resurgence of Hmpf the angst-fixated fangirl. This is therapeutic squee.)
He's gaunt, pale and unshaven, in desperate need of a fashion sense and a haircut, and he looks his age (42). All of which endears him to me enormously. He is also entirely unrecognisable as Jim Carrey, which is A Very Good Thing.
Somebody give that man an Oscar. He deserved one for the Truman Show, and he deserves one about ten times as much for Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind now.
Kate Winslet, to be fair, is just about as gorgeous in the movie and makes me seriously consider again that old dream of dyeing my hair green. (Yes, green. I know everybody dyes their hair red, 'cause it's, like, the hair colour of wild and dangerous grrls, but green is the only colour my hair should be if it isn't going to be the colour Nature made it. A dark, mossy green, kinda Entish. I'd only dye the tips, and it would look like moss were growing in my hair, or as if my hair was turning into moss at the tips.)
And the film, well, the film is easily the most beautiful film I've seen in years. It's a movie about love that could actually make an inexperienced cynic like me drop her reservations about having relationships.
Now if only I could find a man who looked like Jim-Carrey-when-he-doesn't-look-like-Jim-Carrey...
***
Apart from that, the day was actually sort of okay. I got to live out my pyromaniacal tendencies at work, then decided not to go home but stay in the city until it was time for the early evening showing of Eternal Sunshine... Spent the time buying a book, (Greg Bear: Eon, recommended by one of my current employers who might have become a colleague as well, if I hadn't botched yesterday's trial thingy), then bought a sketch pad and a set of pencils, and hung out a few hours in Starbuck's.
Starbuck's, Costa and Coffee Republic are like a plague; the city is full of them. I would have liked to go somewhere else, but there *is* no other place where you could spend a few hours sipping tea and nibbling on a muffin in the city. Only Starbuck's and its ilk - on every frelling corner. Anyway... political reservations aside, I had a nice enough time there, and actually got some revising done. Will probably go there again tomorrow, because I've always been able to concentrate best in coffee houses. Can't fall asleep there; and can't escape work. (I should have been born in Vienna, in the 19th century...)
Also started using my new sketch pad by doodling in it, and declared the result the Doodles of Artistic Empowerment. I used to be creative, before I decided to become creative professionally and lost all inspiration. Let's see if I can rediscover that.
***
For the time being I'm replacing all my icons with Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind ones, 'cause I feel like it. But, don't worry, both Jaeger and the Cop Porn will be back.
***
Thanks for all the hugs, guys. It helped. I'm still sort of depressed, but I will be okay, I guess. Pyromania, the sketch pad and Jim Carrey helped, as well.
(Yep, resurgence of Hmpf the angst-fixated fangirl. This is therapeutic squee.)
He's gaunt, pale and unshaven, in desperate need of a fashion sense and a haircut, and he looks his age (42). All of which endears him to me enormously. He is also entirely unrecognisable as Jim Carrey, which is A Very Good Thing.
Somebody give that man an Oscar. He deserved one for the Truman Show, and he deserves one about ten times as much for Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind now.
Kate Winslet, to be fair, is just about as gorgeous in the movie and makes me seriously consider again that old dream of dyeing my hair green. (Yes, green. I know everybody dyes their hair red, 'cause it's, like, the hair colour of wild and dangerous grrls, but green is the only colour my hair should be if it isn't going to be the colour Nature made it. A dark, mossy green, kinda Entish. I'd only dye the tips, and it would look like moss were growing in my hair, or as if my hair was turning into moss at the tips.)
And the film, well, the film is easily the most beautiful film I've seen in years. It's a movie about love that could actually make an inexperienced cynic like me drop her reservations about having relationships.
Now if only I could find a man who looked like Jim-Carrey-when-he-doesn't-look-like-Jim-Carrey...
***
Apart from that, the day was actually sort of okay. I got to live out my pyromaniacal tendencies at work, then decided not to go home but stay in the city until it was time for the early evening showing of Eternal Sunshine... Spent the time buying a book, (Greg Bear: Eon, recommended by one of my current employers who might have become a colleague as well, if I hadn't botched yesterday's trial thingy), then bought a sketch pad and a set of pencils, and hung out a few hours in Starbuck's.
Starbuck's, Costa and Coffee Republic are like a plague; the city is full of them. I would have liked to go somewhere else, but there *is* no other place where you could spend a few hours sipping tea and nibbling on a muffin in the city. Only Starbuck's and its ilk - on every frelling corner. Anyway... political reservations aside, I had a nice enough time there, and actually got some revising done. Will probably go there again tomorrow, because I've always been able to concentrate best in coffee houses. Can't fall asleep there; and can't escape work. (I should have been born in Vienna, in the 19th century...)
Also started using my new sketch pad by doodling in it, and declared the result the Doodles of Artistic Empowerment. I used to be creative, before I decided to become creative professionally and lost all inspiration. Let's see if I can rediscover that.
***
For the time being I'm replacing all my icons with Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind ones, 'cause I feel like it. But, don't worry, both Jaeger and the Cop Porn will be back.
***
Thanks for all the hugs, guys. It helped. I'm still sort of depressed, but I will be okay, I guess. Pyromania, the sketch pad and Jim Carrey helped, as well.
Re: Well....
Date: 2004-05-09 04:56 am (UTC)> Yeesh. I sincerely hope nobody does that.
Hmm. Although I understand that feeling I do think it is kind of hypocritical coming from an avid fan and fanfic writer such as yourself. Well, there's the general question about the ethics of writing fanfic about real people, but OTH how real is Hmpf?
I think there's a big difference between writing about Hmpf and writing about Christina H. from F. Would it feel the same to you? If it would, do you think that it should? You may recall that I don't usually act under a pseudonym. It's a concept I don't really understand. I don't claim that my net personality is the same as my RL personality. It most definitely isn't, but I don't try to separate the two. While I do under some circumstances use pseudonyms on the net, I would never even consider acting under pseudonym IRL. But apparently you do. I find it weird to see a picture from a convention labelled "Hmpf" (such as the one you recently linked to). Whoever I may be on the net, when I meet people IRL I am always "Matthias". It's not that I particularly like that name. I don't. But that's who I am.
Using a pseudonym is like hiding behind a mask. But I guess at some point the mask becomes you or you become the mask (I hope you appreciate the Jim Carrey movie reference ;-)
Let me quote something you wrote exactly 4 years ago (Damn, time goes by fast.):
"es macht mir Spaß, im Internet eine andere Person zu sein. Allerdings verstelle ich mich nicht; vielmehr ist Hmpf 'Ich ohne all die blöden Komplexe und Hemmungen'."
Although the statement is to some degree self-contradictory, in 2000 you appeared to claim that Christina and Hmpf were not the same person. Has that changed?
When I look at your LJ, the above statement certainly appears false today. The current Hmpf does seem to have "die blöden Komplexe und Hemmungen", too.
It looks almost like you created Hmpf as a wall to hide behind, to give people on the net a filtered view of yourself. Hmpf should not write unfiltered about personal thoughts and feelings in an LJ. The thought of someone else writing Hmpf's diary should not scare you.
But apparently the wall has crumbled. Hmpf is now no more than a label for Christina. Hmpf is letting us see things that at least according to your statement from 2000 she was meant to hide.
> That's not out of character. That's just me not being static.
Obviously. But the question is whether "Hmpf" should have remained static.
You see, my problem is that I don't really know how I should interpret your LJ entries. A public diary under a fake name to me is not very trustworthy, especially since I know how distorted the view is that I give others on the net even under my real name. It's a bit like reality tv. It's reality, but at the same time it's tv and tv as we all know is all lies and pretense. Most of the time it doesn't matter and I can simply read your LJ to distract myself, but when I read about you being depressed and acting inconsistent with my expectations I'm not sure if I should be worried or not.
An entry such as "Today even opening the curtains meant to much effort." is not exactly reassuring. But being in a public blog under a pseudonym it could mean anything, from "I'm just venting my frustration with the exams." to "I've already bought the razor blades. Just waiting for the bathtub to fill."