Academic self-doubt, take 256.
Jan. 28th, 2004 03:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hmpfJust talked to one of my profs about the longest of the essays I'm supposed to write for March. This is supposed to be a 'mini-dissertation', including some amount of fieldwork (for which a ridiculously short time has been set aside). I'm afraid I whined quite a bit. The truth is, I am scared to death by this project. I wouldn't be so scared if it were the only thing I had to do until March, but it's not. There's two other short essays - hopefully those will be comparatively easy, considering the length - and my fear regarding the possibility of a fourth one has come true, unfortunately. Also, there's at least three presentations and a site report.
I have been told, by various people by now, that students in Oxford have to do something like 12 essays per term. Well, okay, supposedly you have to be extra clever to go to Oxford, so maybe you can manage that kind of amount of work if you're the typical Oxford student. After all, Eledhwen went to Oxford and coped just fine, and did lots of extracurricular work besides. But I'm just a typical German student - lazy, spoiled by a system that allows you to take whole terms out without anyone minding, and not all that bright, either. And I feel quite overwhelmed already by the comparatively mild (if compared to Oxford standards) amount of 10,000 words to produce until March.
These are the times when I realise that I really don't have it in me. Those dreams about someday, maybe, *working* at university? I should learn to lay them to rest, and quickly. They're just making me unhappy. Especially since I'm not behaving in the right way for that kind of career, anyway (not to mention my intellectual shortcomings). University careers don't start when you're done with your studies, they start a lot earlier. I've *already* missed that train. Now, if I were exceptionally bright, maybe that would make up for something. But I'm not exceptionally bright, I'm just average to slightly above average bright. And there's nothing that can be done about *that*. I am still learning, and to some degree I'm still growing a bit, intellectually, but there's a ceiling there, somewhere, and I can tell that it's already near.
So. Actually, my doubts may seem ridiculous to many. I am bright enough, my marks are good enough, to actually qualify for all kinds of potentially interesting work, I suppose. I am not so much angsting about not getting any kind of job, as I'm angsting about the sheer fact of just not being a genius. Which, I admit, is quite a ridiculous thing to angst about.
Incidentally, though you've probably already made the connection, this is also where my self-doubts about writing, and a whole lot of other issues, e.g. my 'fandom and status' issue, come from. They're rooted in the same frelling feeling of inadequacy.
Now, where does *that* come from, you ask?
I don't know. I can make educated guesses, but I honestly don't know. My guess would be that a large part of it goes back to being an only child of parents who seemed to appreciate everything I did a lot. I always was given a feeling that I was special, and now I'm discovering that I'm not, at least not in *that* way, and it's a painful discovery. But really, it wasn't just my parents who made the mistake of treating me like I was, you know, somehow exceptionally bright. Quite a few of my teachers did so, too. The funny thing is that I wasn't actually an exceptional student. There were a few years when my marks were very bad indeed. They got better in later years, but mostly because I got rid of the subjects I sucked at. (Okay, I actually improved a bit in chemistry, maths, history, social studies, biology, and English, too. But not dramatically. And, in the cases of maths and chemistry, not without a lot of help.) Sometimes I think it's being quiet and shy that did the trick, fooled everyone into thinking I was going to be special. It's a common misconception that the quiet ones are also deep. Well, maybe I even am, to some degree - I certainly get more of a kick out of things like reading and thinking (and angsting *g*) than most people, and even most students, seem to do. But the thing is, there are still millions of my kind out there, thousands at this university alone, I guess, and among those thousands or millions I'm just another mediocre would-be intellectual. And I'm an elitist, meaning that I believe only people who are *really* good at something should be doing it professionally. Which kind of rules me out neatly for all kinds of jobs that involve really deep, thorough, creative thinking, 'cause, let's face it, I'm just not *that* good at it. Close, yes, but no cookie. (A nice psychological trap I built there for myself.)
It would be interesting to find out why it is so important for me to be bright. Why is my feeling of self-worth so intricately intertwined with my level of intelligence? (BTW, although I'm obsessed with being bright, I never actually had my IQ tested - partly because I don't quite believe you can measure it exactly, but also, partly, because I'm afraid of the result. It might be lower than I think. *g*) After all, I do *not* believe that people who are less bright are also less worthy as human beings. I really don't. Somehow, this extremely strict standard applies only to me. (Which is of course quite common of people with psychological problems. Anorexics don't think everybody is too fat; they only think they themselves are too fat. Is there a word for people who believe they have to be bright? I propose: "intellectics". Or maybe not. *g*)
Hmm. Food for thought. Which reminds me that I'm hungry, and that I have to go and meet Scapekid at the station. I have to hurry if I still want to get a sandwich. Anyway, I think I've been quite neurotic enough for one day. And in public, no less. Heh. It's almost as good as taking your clothes off in the university square! *g*
I have been told, by various people by now, that students in Oxford have to do something like 12 essays per term. Well, okay, supposedly you have to be extra clever to go to Oxford, so maybe you can manage that kind of amount of work if you're the typical Oxford student. After all, Eledhwen went to Oxford and coped just fine, and did lots of extracurricular work besides. But I'm just a typical German student - lazy, spoiled by a system that allows you to take whole terms out without anyone minding, and not all that bright, either. And I feel quite overwhelmed already by the comparatively mild (if compared to Oxford standards) amount of 10,000 words to produce until March.
These are the times when I realise that I really don't have it in me. Those dreams about someday, maybe, *working* at university? I should learn to lay them to rest, and quickly. They're just making me unhappy. Especially since I'm not behaving in the right way for that kind of career, anyway (not to mention my intellectual shortcomings). University careers don't start when you're done with your studies, they start a lot earlier. I've *already* missed that train. Now, if I were exceptionally bright, maybe that would make up for something. But I'm not exceptionally bright, I'm just average to slightly above average bright. And there's nothing that can be done about *that*. I am still learning, and to some degree I'm still growing a bit, intellectually, but there's a ceiling there, somewhere, and I can tell that it's already near.
So. Actually, my doubts may seem ridiculous to many. I am bright enough, my marks are good enough, to actually qualify for all kinds of potentially interesting work, I suppose. I am not so much angsting about not getting any kind of job, as I'm angsting about the sheer fact of just not being a genius. Which, I admit, is quite a ridiculous thing to angst about.
Incidentally, though you've probably already made the connection, this is also where my self-doubts about writing, and a whole lot of other issues, e.g. my 'fandom and status' issue, come from. They're rooted in the same frelling feeling of inadequacy.
Now, where does *that* come from, you ask?
I don't know. I can make educated guesses, but I honestly don't know. My guess would be that a large part of it goes back to being an only child of parents who seemed to appreciate everything I did a lot. I always was given a feeling that I was special, and now I'm discovering that I'm not, at least not in *that* way, and it's a painful discovery. But really, it wasn't just my parents who made the mistake of treating me like I was, you know, somehow exceptionally bright. Quite a few of my teachers did so, too. The funny thing is that I wasn't actually an exceptional student. There were a few years when my marks were very bad indeed. They got better in later years, but mostly because I got rid of the subjects I sucked at. (Okay, I actually improved a bit in chemistry, maths, history, social studies, biology, and English, too. But not dramatically. And, in the cases of maths and chemistry, not without a lot of help.) Sometimes I think it's being quiet and shy that did the trick, fooled everyone into thinking I was going to be special. It's a common misconception that the quiet ones are also deep. Well, maybe I even am, to some degree - I certainly get more of a kick out of things like reading and thinking (and angsting *g*) than most people, and even most students, seem to do. But the thing is, there are still millions of my kind out there, thousands at this university alone, I guess, and among those thousands or millions I'm just another mediocre would-be intellectual. And I'm an elitist, meaning that I believe only people who are *really* good at something should be doing it professionally. Which kind of rules me out neatly for all kinds of jobs that involve really deep, thorough, creative thinking, 'cause, let's face it, I'm just not *that* good at it. Close, yes, but no cookie. (A nice psychological trap I built there for myself.)
It would be interesting to find out why it is so important for me to be bright. Why is my feeling of self-worth so intricately intertwined with my level of intelligence? (BTW, although I'm obsessed with being bright, I never actually had my IQ tested - partly because I don't quite believe you can measure it exactly, but also, partly, because I'm afraid of the result. It might be lower than I think. *g*) After all, I do *not* believe that people who are less bright are also less worthy as human beings. I really don't. Somehow, this extremely strict standard applies only to me. (Which is of course quite common of people with psychological problems. Anorexics don't think everybody is too fat; they only think they themselves are too fat. Is there a word for people who believe they have to be bright? I propose: "intellectics". Or maybe not. *g*)
Hmm. Food for thought. Which reminds me that I'm hungry, and that I have to go and meet Scapekid at the station. I have to hurry if I still want to get a sandwich. Anyway, I think I've been quite neurotic enough for one day. And in public, no less. Heh. It's almost as good as taking your clothes off in the university square! *g*
no subject
Date: 2004-01-30 02:39 pm (UTC)> character length of 4300. Please go back, shorten it, and try posting
> it again.
That's what I got when I tried to post my comment. Is that a limit only for anonymous users? Anyway, I will not let myself be censored by a machine. I will split it up.
Re:
Date: 2004-01-30 02:41 pm (UTC)Why 256? I thought 2^8 was only a special number for programmers.
> without anyone minding, and not all that bright, either. And I feel
> quite overwhelmed already by the comparatively mild (if compared to
> Oxford standards) amount of 10,000 words to produce until March.
Just be glad that all you have to do is write text. I have to write a program before I can even begin writing my actual diploma thesis and sometimes I'm near desperation. I have only 6 months and unfortunately time is the only thing that flows. But I should be thankful. This (and a smaller project I had to do for uni) has taught me that I absolutely cannot work as a professional programmer, despite my 15 years of experience. It seems that I am simply incapable of programming on command. Every day I have to fight myself to sit down and do some work.
> These are the times when I realise that I really don't have it in
> me. Those dreams about someday, maybe, *working* at university? I
> should learn to lay them to rest, and quickly. They're just making
> me unhappy.
Welcome to the club :-)
I buried those same dreams about 2 years ago.
Re:
Date: 2004-01-30 02:42 pm (UTC)> intellectually, but there's a ceiling there, somewhere, and I can
> tell that it's already near.
Everyone has that ceiling but it has a different height in different places. Maybe it's time for you to try something new. Although I wouldn't give much about feelings of inadequacy you get from university. I used to LOVE programming. I spent hours every day programming. I was pretty good, too. Studying computer science has almost killed off my love for programming completely and my abilities have degenerated continuously.
> I am not so much angsting about not getting any kind of job, as I'm
> angsting about the sheer fact of just not being a genius. Which, I
> admit, is quite a ridiculous thing to angst about.
I don't find it ridiculous at all. I had those doubts, too, a few times and I find the thought of being of average intelligence VERY scary.
> I don't know. I can make educated guesses, but I honestly don't
> know. My guess would be that a large part of it goes back to being
> an only child of parents who seemed to appreciate everything I did a
> lot. I always was given a feeling that I was special, and now I'm
> discovering that I'm not, at least not in *that* way, and it's a
> painful discovery.
An interesting theory. So you're saying that your ego, your confidence was built up by the outside world and now the outside world is shattering it again? Maybe you should try to get more confidence from the inside. Do not rely on the world to give you strength and encouragement. It will let you down.
> But really, it wasn't just my parents who made the mistake of
> treating me like I was, you know, somehow exceptionally bright.
> Quite a few of my teachers did so, too.
And they were all wrong? If that's true, then you must at least be exceptionally good at faking that you are a genius. See, now we've found something you excel at :-)
Try to cultivate this talent. If you've only used it subconsciously so far, there must be huge room for improvement once you actively work on it. Aim high. If you can't be the most intelligent person in the whole world, you can use your exceptional talent to make the whole world
*believe* that you are the most intelligent person since the guy who invented sliced bread :-)
AFAICS the people PRETENDING to be good at something usually earn a lot more than those who ARE good at it.
Re:
Date: 2004-01-30 02:43 pm (UTC)> thousands at this university alone, I guess, and among those
> thousands or millions
Are you sure?
> I'm just another mediocre would-be intellectual.
You're certainly a lot more intellectual than I am. And I actually feel GOOD about this (for myself). If there's one thing I don't want to be it's an intellectual, because there are thousands of those. They may be "exceptional" when compared to the masses, but they are not "special". If you can't be an intellectual, GOOD FOR YOU, I say.
> And I'm an elitist, meaning that I believe only people who are
> *really* good at something should be doing it professionally.
If you wrote that into law, most people would be out of work :-)
> Which kind of rules me out neatly for all kinds of jobs that involve
> really deep, thorough, creative thinking,
Do you actually WANT that kind of job?
> 'cause, let's face it, I'm just not *that* good at it.
Neither am I. I certainly have the intelligence for it (if grades and IQ tests are an adequate metric for intelligence), but my attention span is too short. In fact I do fit the typical descriptions of ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) pretty well to a certain extent. I don't want a job that requires deep and thorough thinking, because I cannot sustain working on the same thing for extended periods of time in my head. For a short time (hours, maybe a few days) I can "hyper-focus" on something and create amazing results, but when that phase is over my performance is much worse than that of someone with average intelligence.
Well, I don't feel bad about it. I'll just have to find a job where I don't have to think much. In hindsight, I think it was a mistake that I went to university (How many people heading for a diploma "cum laude" have you heard saying that? :-). I think that it would have been great to become a baker. Last Christmas I discovered my love for baking. I'm NOT good at it, quite the opposite (see picture at http://tagebuch.schneepoesie.de/jetzt#c2003-12-25:0335814264529073), so by your statement above I should not be doing it professionally, however I think I would be quite happy being a professional baker. The reason is that somehow baking creates an emptiness inside my mind. Baking requires just enough concentration to keep the mind from straying, but it doesn't require hard thinking so it's not mentally exhausting.
See it like this: If you have a job that doesn't tax your mind too much, you have more energy left for writing fanfics in your free time. What would you prefer: to be considered a great anthropologist by a small circle of academics or a great fanfic writer by a large community of fans?
> Close, yes, but no cookie.
Maybe you should bake cookies for a whole day. It might give you some interesting insights, as it did for me.
Re:
Date: 2004-01-30 02:45 pm (UTC)> be bright.
Good question. I think for me personally the answer is that I am not very tall, not very strong, not very handsome and not very popular. But I DO want to be special. That doesn't leave me much choice of what to be proud at. The mind is especially great in this respect as there is no way of effectively measuring it. If I have trouble concentrating on something for long periods of time I can simply explain it away saying I have ADHD. If I get bad grades I can say that I simply don't work well under testing conditions. If I score bad on an IQ test I can complain that adding up numbers fast doesn't signify intelligence because otherwise computers would be more intelligent than humans.
When you have above-average intelligence you can make yourself believe you are a genius and if you believe in it strongly enough, it is pretty hard to shatter that belief.
People who focus on being bright are often cowards who don't want to compete in a world driven by competition.
> (BTW, although I'm obsessed with being bright, I never actually had
> my IQ tested
That is typical behaviour for above-mentioned cowards. When IQs were tested in school I too was one of the few who refused to participate. The thought of not having the highest IQ in class was unbearable. I did test my IQ in private with a book and recently again with the IQ Show on TV, and it turned out that I don't actually have to fear much competition, but I will still not tell others my IQ. Okay, let's be honest. I have a terrible memory for numbers. Above 130 (i.e. enough for Mensa) is the only thing I can remember.
My trouble with numbers is another one of those shortcomings that I can simply brush off as not being relevant to the question of whether I'm a genius or not. I also have a terrible memory for faces and for other things (mostly good things, I have no trouble recalling every embarrassing moment of my life in vivid details :-) but it doesn't hurt my ego in the slightest.
> partly because I don't quite believe you can measure it exactly, but
> also, partly, because I'm afraid of the result. It might be lower
> than I think. *g*)
IQ tests can be trained. If you score too low, all you need is practice. Besides, you should not worry. Typical IQ tests value the verbal part more than the mathematical and visual. The tests are optimized for the classic intellectual who has read a lot of literature, knows a lot of foreign words and expressions etc.
I don't think you would score low.
> After all, I do *not* believe that people who are less bright are
> also less worthy as human beings.
Yes, we do need someone to take the garbage away, after all ;-)
> I really don't. Somehow, this extremely strict standard applies only
> to me.
Hmm. In a way that contradicts your statement that you don't believe stupid people to be worth less. Why do you not apply the same standards to others as you do to you? In my case it is because I do see almost everyone else as inferior. Well, "inferior" is probably the wrong word. It's more like an adult sees small children. You can't apply the same standards to them, because they are simply unable to live up to them.
> Is there a word for people who believe they have to be bright?
Loser? ;-)
> Anyway, I think I've been quite neurotic enough for one day. And in
> public, no less.
> Heh. It's almost as good as taking your clothes off
> in the university square! *g*
Well, you could ditch your LiveJournal in favor of an amateur porn site, where you get naked for paying visitors. The pay/work ratio is a lot better than for most deep and thorough thinking jobs. There are a lot of girls of the pretty-but-stupid variety with sites like this. You could be pretty-and-smart. Male geeks totally dig that :-)
MSB
p.s.: I'm not as terrible a person as I may appear to be from what I wrote above. If there's one flaw that I have, it's that I exaggerate. A LOT! ;-)