Academic self-doubt, take 256.
Jan. 28th, 2004 03:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hmpfJust talked to one of my profs about the longest of the essays I'm supposed to write for March. This is supposed to be a 'mini-dissertation', including some amount of fieldwork (for which a ridiculously short time has been set aside). I'm afraid I whined quite a bit. The truth is, I am scared to death by this project. I wouldn't be so scared if it were the only thing I had to do until March, but it's not. There's two other short essays - hopefully those will be comparatively easy, considering the length - and my fear regarding the possibility of a fourth one has come true, unfortunately. Also, there's at least three presentations and a site report.
I have been told, by various people by now, that students in Oxford have to do something like 12 essays per term. Well, okay, supposedly you have to be extra clever to go to Oxford, so maybe you can manage that kind of amount of work if you're the typical Oxford student. After all, Eledhwen went to Oxford and coped just fine, and did lots of extracurricular work besides. But I'm just a typical German student - lazy, spoiled by a system that allows you to take whole terms out without anyone minding, and not all that bright, either. And I feel quite overwhelmed already by the comparatively mild (if compared to Oxford standards) amount of 10,000 words to produce until March.
These are the times when I realise that I really don't have it in me. Those dreams about someday, maybe, *working* at university? I should learn to lay them to rest, and quickly. They're just making me unhappy. Especially since I'm not behaving in the right way for that kind of career, anyway (not to mention my intellectual shortcomings). University careers don't start when you're done with your studies, they start a lot earlier. I've *already* missed that train. Now, if I were exceptionally bright, maybe that would make up for something. But I'm not exceptionally bright, I'm just average to slightly above average bright. And there's nothing that can be done about *that*. I am still learning, and to some degree I'm still growing a bit, intellectually, but there's a ceiling there, somewhere, and I can tell that it's already near.
So. Actually, my doubts may seem ridiculous to many. I am bright enough, my marks are good enough, to actually qualify for all kinds of potentially interesting work, I suppose. I am not so much angsting about not getting any kind of job, as I'm angsting about the sheer fact of just not being a genius. Which, I admit, is quite a ridiculous thing to angst about.
Incidentally, though you've probably already made the connection, this is also where my self-doubts about writing, and a whole lot of other issues, e.g. my 'fandom and status' issue, come from. They're rooted in the same frelling feeling of inadequacy.
Now, where does *that* come from, you ask?
I don't know. I can make educated guesses, but I honestly don't know. My guess would be that a large part of it goes back to being an only child of parents who seemed to appreciate everything I did a lot. I always was given a feeling that I was special, and now I'm discovering that I'm not, at least not in *that* way, and it's a painful discovery. But really, it wasn't just my parents who made the mistake of treating me like I was, you know, somehow exceptionally bright. Quite a few of my teachers did so, too. The funny thing is that I wasn't actually an exceptional student. There were a few years when my marks were very bad indeed. They got better in later years, but mostly because I got rid of the subjects I sucked at. (Okay, I actually improved a bit in chemistry, maths, history, social studies, biology, and English, too. But not dramatically. And, in the cases of maths and chemistry, not without a lot of help.) Sometimes I think it's being quiet and shy that did the trick, fooled everyone into thinking I was going to be special. It's a common misconception that the quiet ones are also deep. Well, maybe I even am, to some degree - I certainly get more of a kick out of things like reading and thinking (and angsting *g*) than most people, and even most students, seem to do. But the thing is, there are still millions of my kind out there, thousands at this university alone, I guess, and among those thousands or millions I'm just another mediocre would-be intellectual. And I'm an elitist, meaning that I believe only people who are *really* good at something should be doing it professionally. Which kind of rules me out neatly for all kinds of jobs that involve really deep, thorough, creative thinking, 'cause, let's face it, I'm just not *that* good at it. Close, yes, but no cookie. (A nice psychological trap I built there for myself.)
It would be interesting to find out why it is so important for me to be bright. Why is my feeling of self-worth so intricately intertwined with my level of intelligence? (BTW, although I'm obsessed with being bright, I never actually had my IQ tested - partly because I don't quite believe you can measure it exactly, but also, partly, because I'm afraid of the result. It might be lower than I think. *g*) After all, I do *not* believe that people who are less bright are also less worthy as human beings. I really don't. Somehow, this extremely strict standard applies only to me. (Which is of course quite common of people with psychological problems. Anorexics don't think everybody is too fat; they only think they themselves are too fat. Is there a word for people who believe they have to be bright? I propose: "intellectics". Or maybe not. *g*)
Hmm. Food for thought. Which reminds me that I'm hungry, and that I have to go and meet Scapekid at the station. I have to hurry if I still want to get a sandwich. Anyway, I think I've been quite neurotic enough for one day. And in public, no less. Heh. It's almost as good as taking your clothes off in the university square! *g*
I have been told, by various people by now, that students in Oxford have to do something like 12 essays per term. Well, okay, supposedly you have to be extra clever to go to Oxford, so maybe you can manage that kind of amount of work if you're the typical Oxford student. After all, Eledhwen went to Oxford and coped just fine, and did lots of extracurricular work besides. But I'm just a typical German student - lazy, spoiled by a system that allows you to take whole terms out without anyone minding, and not all that bright, either. And I feel quite overwhelmed already by the comparatively mild (if compared to Oxford standards) amount of 10,000 words to produce until March.
These are the times when I realise that I really don't have it in me. Those dreams about someday, maybe, *working* at university? I should learn to lay them to rest, and quickly. They're just making me unhappy. Especially since I'm not behaving in the right way for that kind of career, anyway (not to mention my intellectual shortcomings). University careers don't start when you're done with your studies, they start a lot earlier. I've *already* missed that train. Now, if I were exceptionally bright, maybe that would make up for something. But I'm not exceptionally bright, I'm just average to slightly above average bright. And there's nothing that can be done about *that*. I am still learning, and to some degree I'm still growing a bit, intellectually, but there's a ceiling there, somewhere, and I can tell that it's already near.
So. Actually, my doubts may seem ridiculous to many. I am bright enough, my marks are good enough, to actually qualify for all kinds of potentially interesting work, I suppose. I am not so much angsting about not getting any kind of job, as I'm angsting about the sheer fact of just not being a genius. Which, I admit, is quite a ridiculous thing to angst about.
Incidentally, though you've probably already made the connection, this is also where my self-doubts about writing, and a whole lot of other issues, e.g. my 'fandom and status' issue, come from. They're rooted in the same frelling feeling of inadequacy.
Now, where does *that* come from, you ask?
I don't know. I can make educated guesses, but I honestly don't know. My guess would be that a large part of it goes back to being an only child of parents who seemed to appreciate everything I did a lot. I always was given a feeling that I was special, and now I'm discovering that I'm not, at least not in *that* way, and it's a painful discovery. But really, it wasn't just my parents who made the mistake of treating me like I was, you know, somehow exceptionally bright. Quite a few of my teachers did so, too. The funny thing is that I wasn't actually an exceptional student. There were a few years when my marks were very bad indeed. They got better in later years, but mostly because I got rid of the subjects I sucked at. (Okay, I actually improved a bit in chemistry, maths, history, social studies, biology, and English, too. But not dramatically. And, in the cases of maths and chemistry, not without a lot of help.) Sometimes I think it's being quiet and shy that did the trick, fooled everyone into thinking I was going to be special. It's a common misconception that the quiet ones are also deep. Well, maybe I even am, to some degree - I certainly get more of a kick out of things like reading and thinking (and angsting *g*) than most people, and even most students, seem to do. But the thing is, there are still millions of my kind out there, thousands at this university alone, I guess, and among those thousands or millions I'm just another mediocre would-be intellectual. And I'm an elitist, meaning that I believe only people who are *really* good at something should be doing it professionally. Which kind of rules me out neatly for all kinds of jobs that involve really deep, thorough, creative thinking, 'cause, let's face it, I'm just not *that* good at it. Close, yes, but no cookie. (A nice psychological trap I built there for myself.)
It would be interesting to find out why it is so important for me to be bright. Why is my feeling of self-worth so intricately intertwined with my level of intelligence? (BTW, although I'm obsessed with being bright, I never actually had my IQ tested - partly because I don't quite believe you can measure it exactly, but also, partly, because I'm afraid of the result. It might be lower than I think. *g*) After all, I do *not* believe that people who are less bright are also less worthy as human beings. I really don't. Somehow, this extremely strict standard applies only to me. (Which is of course quite common of people with psychological problems. Anorexics don't think everybody is too fat; they only think they themselves are too fat. Is there a word for people who believe they have to be bright? I propose: "intellectics". Or maybe not. *g*)
Hmm. Food for thought. Which reminds me that I'm hungry, and that I have to go and meet Scapekid at the station. I have to hurry if I still want to get a sandwich. Anyway, I think I've been quite neurotic enough for one day. And in public, no less. Heh. It's almost as good as taking your clothes off in the university square! *g*
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Enjoy Your Symptom
Date: 2004-01-28 08:58 am (UTC)However, I do have a few things to share in regard to a university career. On the one hand, I don't think there is a single person in academia (ok, not a single *woman*) who hasn't had all these feelings of doubt and lack of ability and self-worth. I think that goes with the job description. And at times it's a good thing that can get you motivated to do better and try harder.
At the same time, the fact that you seem paralyzed by this upcoming project does not bode too well...less b/c you shouldn't be freaked or concerned but b/c I believe the only way to survive academia remotely intact is to *enjoy* to a certain degree what you're doing. The job is incredible stressful and the only way you can get yourself through weeks and months of research and writing is by genuinely liking it at least to a certain degree (i.e., noone enjoys all aspects at all times, but there needs to be enough left over to make it worthwhile).
And you are ultimately the only person who can decide whether you enjoy it enough. B/c I've had way too many smart and gifted friends not finish (a good friend, the brightest I had ever encountered in our field by far, was finishing his Ph.D. at Cambridge when he just dropped out b/c he didn't want to do it any more...it hurt too much, didn't hold his interest enough any more...meanwhile many of my colleagues may not be especially gifted but have perserverance...b/c that's ultimately what the Ph.D. test!)
/end completely unsolicited advice
Enjoying what I'm doing...
Date: 2004-01-28 06:53 pm (UTC)I actually do; I enjoy it a lot. That's what makes me think that I might *belong* there, that is, in a university context of work. I get a real kick out of writing essays for uni. Most students I know are looking at me really weirdly when I tell them that. In fact, there are few things I get as much of a kick out as writing things for uni. (Writing fanfic qualifies, though.) Frell, I can lose myself for hours in a university library, because I actually *want* to read all those books.
However, at the moment I am simply asked to divide my attention between too many things at once. I can't think about more than one essay at a time; I can't write more than one essay at a time, and in Germany I never *had* to. But now I have to, and *that* has me paralysed.
Re: Enjoying what I'm doing...
Date: 2004-01-28 07:03 pm (UTC)(Is there any way to connect the topics somehow? So that your research and thinking can overlap?)
And if you enjoy it...go for it!!! It's a wonderful job if you actually like what you do :-) And the best of luck!!!
Re: Enjoying what I'm doing...
Date: 2004-01-29 07:21 pm (UTC)Well... unless you can think of a way to connect the symbolic meaning of the landscape around Stonehenge in the Bronze age, the depiction of Islam in the media, and the legal side of archaeological resource management... probably not. *g*