The amazing thing...

is that it's still about ten weeks till I have to register for my M.A., after which there will be another six to eight months of writing (hopefully just the six, as I desperately need those extra two months to prepare for exams)... yet I'm already consistently unable to sleep (two weeks and counting, now), and unable to find *any* time for anything except researching etc.

So... if I'm *already* unable to function in so many ways, what is it going to be like in three or, god forbid, six months?

The not sleeping thing is the worst bit, though. I can live on fast food and sandwiches wolfed down at the computer for a year if necessary, but I can't live without sleep.

What I really need (besides sleep) is someone knowledgeable about this stuff (i.e. sf and fantasy and comics studies) to have a long conversation with, to help me clarify my desperately vague muddled ideas. Alas, there is no one who can take that role.

Balance... what's this thing you call balance? (Announcing a GAFIA)

Right.

Here's the deal.

I have *no* time. No time for anything beyond uni and the bare necessities of living, that is.

This will continue to be the case for... at least the next eight months. Possibly the entire next year and a bit longer than that, even (though I really hope that there will be a bit of a break somewhere between the eight months and the phase after that).

Technically, I should have spent much less time here in the last few months already; I just ignored the more sensible parts of my mind that said "if you worked a bit more on your thesis now, and a bit less on fic/discussions/catching up with LJ... you would have less stress when the actual deadline for your M.A. comes up, and probably get a better result to boot." Being chronically unable to keep any kind of balance in my life, I overdosed on fandom instead (knowing, at least subconsciously, that it might be my last dose for a long time to come).

To make up for all that lost time, I now have to devote my entire time to my thesis. By now, time's so short that the necessary work is only *barely* manageable, even if I do devote all my time to it. I was deluding myself to think that it would be possible to keep up the semblance of a life beside it.

I am sorry that, in my deluded state, I got involved in some fannish projects, believing I would be able to keep being properly involved - and getting people's enthusiasm up in the process. I hate leaving you guys in a lurch. I hate being unreliable; I hate being a bad friend; I hate being trapped and waylaid by my own inability to plan ahead. The guilt is immense.

Guilt aside, I miss you guys already and will miss you more. I'm literally crying here now. But I think the only way I'm going to get over the next... eight... twelve... months, is by essentially disconnecting the fandom parts of my brain. Fandom is a source of great joy, but it's also the greatest devourer of time in my life. Fandom, *active* fandom - the social side of it, the creative side of it - is not possible without devoting fairly massive amounts of time to it. I've been struggling with it before, and I absolutely can't afford it now.

So this is me announcing another GAFIA (actually, I think, announcing a GAFIA for the first time - the previous ones always just sort of... happened, and weren't so much a matter of conscious decision.) Think of it as me being suddenly offered a chance to work in the Antarctic or something. Communication is going to be difficult, but I'm not going to forget you guys, and it's not forever. It's just a year. Or so.

I'll continue to post here, but it's mostly going to be one-way communications - just short life signs, and a way for me to keep track of myself. I'll be checking in with some of you occasionally, probably mostly silently, but the Great Catching Up Project will have to be restarted when I'm back, *properly* back.

I may go on the occasional surprise posting/commenting spree when I can't bear the isolation anymore.

As a very busy wizard once said: expect me when you see me.