Work trial.

So, I just returned from trying out for a job, a real job as a goldsmith. This has reminded me of all the reasons why I love my work (and have been missing it since I moved here and left my workshop in Germany), and all the reasons why I will probably never actually find a job in that line of work.

I love working with metal. I love everything about it, the tools, the way you can shape it, change it, the way it feels in your hand, the smell of the workshop, the handling of the tools, everything down to the dirt on my fingers. I don't really care what I'm working on - it does not have to be pretty, it does not have to be my design. I just like the working itself.

But I'm too slow - way, way too slow. I had to prep a ring for setting today, and it took me five times as long as it would take, well, just about anyone else. I get lost in the details. Also, I hesitate. I get afraid and I can't work as quickly and confidently as I should because of my fear.

Of course, those particular problems are ones that can only be solved by gaining experience, a lot more - and different - experience than I have right now. And experience can only be gained by finding a job. And a job can only be found with experience. Classic Catch-22 situation.

Actually...

I just realised that I'm frelling depressed, and probably have been for a while. Everything fits the pattern.

That's probably also the reason why I spend every free minute sleeping, instead of studying for my exams.

Great.