Dude! I just wrote 396 words of totally spontaneous fic!

[hmpf]

In less than an hour and a half!

It's kinda crap, but hey, writing is writing, and writing is good. Even if it's crap. And spontaneous outbreaks of fic are particularly good.

It's LoM (unsurprisingly), and it doesn't look like fic. It looks kind of like a poem. Partly. Again. WTF is it with me and LoM and spontaneous eruptions of poetry!fic?

It also contains some standing around on roofs. That seems to be a staple of all my LoM fic lately.

Oh, and also, it's Sam/Annie-shippy, something I haven't really done before. Yay for new challenges!

It was initially meant for space_oddity_75, who's recently had a rough time, but as per usual, it turned depressing pretty soon, so I'm not sure it's the right thing to give away to someone who isn't feeling good in the first place. Also, as I already stated, at the moment it's still kind of crap. And kind of abstract. And kind of just-plain-weird. And possibly somewhat AU in its interpretation of the relationship, I dunno. And possibly really, really, really bad.

But I'm still thrilled.

Oh hell, here's an excerpt. I may hate this tomorrow, but who cares.

***


Watching

his face, knotted with concentration,

suspicion,

obsession,

as he figures out riddles

that exist only for him,

figures out the world

that exists

only as a riddle to him. Your world,

and you just a piece of the puzzle.

What is your meaning?


***

Gah. I can already see bits that are crap. See? This is why I don't do fast fic.

Comments

[space-oddity-75.livejournal.com]

This is NOT crap. This is fantastic. And it was meant for me, which I really appreciate! ♥ You should have these spontaneous outbursts of fic more often, if this is the result!!! :)

(((hugs)))

Hey.

[hmpf.livejournal.com]

Glad you like it. I tend to agree now that it's not crap; that was just the insecurity of Posting Immediately After Writing speaking. ;-) It's still unfinished, though, and there are parts of it that don't quite work yet, and it hasn't really... jelled yet, on the whole. It does feel like something that will be finished soon...ish, though. And probably won't be my Best Work Ever, but then, not everything can be, right? ;-)

BTW, I still owe you feedback for your Sam/Maya story. I haven't forgotten. I kind of tried to do a detailed crit thing, at one point, but I just can't seem to find the peace and quiet to finish that. It's... oh heck, I find giving feedback very difficult, except for 1.) fics that just make me go "wow" and "squeeee!", and 2.) fics that may have potential but are mostly a mess. In case of 1.) I find it easy to point out why the fic worked for me, and in case of 2.) I find it easy to point out the flaws (while also pointing out what was good).

Your fic's kind of... just *barely* below "wow/squee" level for me, which makes it very difficult. I could go with a disingenuous "this is really nice" or something, but I'd feel weird doing that. What I want to do is say something like "this works *almost* perfectly for me, but there's these two or three little nitpicks..." - only I can't really point at anything and say "that's a problem". Or rather, the things I feel I could point at are so... minor/subtle that I'm not sure there really *is* a problem - and, after all, you had a great beta who unlike me is a native speaker, so I'd expect her to have picked up on any of those "problems". So, in all likelihood, this is simply my not-quite-native-speaker's sense of English running amok.

Oh, gah. See, that wasn't helpful. And I really don't want to make you feel bad - especially since the story really *is* good and I really *do* like it - like the idea, like the way you write the characters, like the voice.

Damn. Me and my fucking honesty.

I really do believe that the problem is probably "me, not you" (or rather, your fic) in this case. You got a lot of very appreciative feedback from good writers, most (or all) of whom are native speakers, and I suspect they have a better sense of style etc. in English than I do. There must be something a bit wonky about my perception here; it happens. Which means you absolutely should disregard my vague and unhelpful "criticism" (if it even deserves that name). I probably should have remained silent on this altogether, but then, I didn't want you to think I'd forgotten about your fic, nor did I want to give you dishonest feedback.

I fully expect to be "wowed" by another of your fics, sometime in the future, btw. This one got so close already, and you and I share so many themes... the success of "wowing" me is inevitable, I predict. ;-)

Re: Hey.

[space-oddity-75.livejournal.com]

Oh, I knew you hadn't forgotten about my fic, don't worry! :)

I'm glad you managed to point out honestly how high you have rated my fic ('just barely below wow/squee level' is a great achievement for me), because honest feedback is basically what I'm looking for when I write.

Whenever I re-read something I've written in the past, I always wish I could change every other word, or throw the whole fic in the bin and start over again from scratch. But in the end I never do it, because it wouldn't do justice to the time and effort I've put into it from the beginning. Maybe it's silly, but I can't do otherwise. You are much more sensible than me with these things: you don't take easy shortcuts, you look for perfection, which is admirable.

I really appreciate constructive criticism, especially from writers I look up to (like you or Loz): it puts me in front of my strenghts and weaknesses and hopefully will make me a better writer someday. You have very high standards (which is good) and I'm glad you didn't find my fic utterly unreadable, especially given the fact that the bulk of it was written (and re-written, and re-written...) in just three days to meet the Ficathon deadline, and after a bad period of writer's block.

From the stylistic point of view, I'm the first to say this fic could have been a lot better. First of all, I chose to narrate it using the second person, which I've been told is quite difficult to pull off. I did my best, but I don't know if I succeeded completely. Just before the last rewriting, when it was 'polished' enough to be readable, Loz pointed out what she thought were the main faults in the text, so I spent some time pounding my head against the wall in order to find alternative words that wouldn't affect the feelings I wanted to convey, giving up others that I'd thought worked best stylistically. I couldn't have the best of both worlds, so I settled for the wisest solution. If I'd done it my way, I'd probably have made many people cringe, who knows?

One of my biggest faults (and this applies to all my fics, unfortunately) is the fact that I have almost perfect mental images of how the story should go, but they rarely translate into equally meaningful words on the page. I hate it when it happens, because whenever it comes down to writing actual scenes and dialogues, everything I write seems to be silly and meaningless.

Moreover, I often realise I tend to use too many adjectives, one of the worst traps for a writer. Of course, two thirds of the adjectives I use in the first draft don't make it to the final version, but the remaining ones are still too many for my taste.
Maybe it's just my Italian way of thinking that is too 'colourful' for writing this sort of things: we tend to exaggerate in our descriptions and use adjectives a lot, whereas the English usually convey feelings in a more understated way, with clipped, witty sentences that don't need many other explanations.

Ah, such a long way to go before achieving perfection!!! I wish I could learn how to be a better writer just by practising a lot, but maybe the fact is just that I lack the right amount of talent to be one, and therefore I'll always drift in the sea of mediocrity. Anyway, I'll never stop trying. And I'll do my best to reach your 'wow' level someday (I doubt it'll ever happen, but one can dream)! ;)

Damn. I just wrote a reply to this, and then I had to sneeze while my hand was on the mouse!

[hmpf.livejournal.com]

And of course I clicked something, apparently, and the entire reply disappeared into data nirvana. Arrgh. Okay. Again:

>Whenever I re-read something I've written in the past, I always wish I could change every other word

Common feeling among writers. I feel like that about several of my older stories. Used to feel like that about everything I'd written, but I reached a point, a few years ago, where I could actually live with the level of quality I produce. (Around 2003, I think - after four years of writing fanfic.) I still see imperfections, but they're not so horribly embarrassing ones anymore.

>you look for perfection, which is admirable.

It's also dangerous, and possibly more of a hindrance than a blessing. Seriously: you'll probably get farther, in a shorter time than I, if you just keep writing a lot and don't worry too much about the finished stuff. I just can't switch off my inner perfectionist; it's not so much choice as compulsion, and it's seriously slowing me down as a writer, in every way (i.e. both re: projects and in terms of my development in general).

>especially from writers I look up to (like you or Loz)

Don't look up to me (it's okay to look up to Loz, she's in a different league entirely). I'm maybe half a step or so above you, skills-wise - *if* that much - and only because I started this whole writing-fanfic-in-English deal a few years earlier than you. The way I see it, you and I are pretty much in the same league; just not quite at the same stage of development.

>I chose to narrate it using the second person, which I've been told is quite difficult to pull off.

I think you pulled it off just fine. No complaints there from me!

>find alternative words that wouldn't affect the feelings I wanted to convey

My main problems with the text were on that level, I think - occasional less-than-perfect word choices, some slightly clashing metaphors/images etc. None of them particularly serious by itself, but a few too many, all told, for me to be able to squee wholeheartedly.

>One of my biggest faults (and this applies to all my fics, unfortunately) is the fact that I have almost perfect mental images of how the story should go, but they rarely translate into equally meaningful words on the page. I hate it when it happens, because whenever it comes down to writing actual scenes and dialogues, everything I write seems to be silly and meaningless.

We've talked about this before, I think... This happens to me, too. Seriously. This is what rewriting and revising and, occasionally (often), editing is for. The silly and meaningless clichés and phrases are perfectly fine for the first draft, but you then need to spend some time replacing them with something better. That takes time - but it works. You just need to give yourself the time to think about what you want to say; maybe put the story in the drawer for a week or two and return to it later. Eventually, an idea will come. I found this extremely difficult, in the first few years of writing - thought I would never learn how to do it - but it got easier with time. A bit. It's still difficult; I usually don't manage to replace more than one or two things in one sitting.

I'm sure there are writers who don't need to do this, who can think of a striking phrase or image on the very first try, and who therefore don't need to use trite placeholders. Well, I'm not one of them. All my first drafts contain a lot that is trite and silly and cliché.

ctd.

[hmpf.livejournal.com]

>I tend to use too many adjectives

Me too. That, too, is something that you tend to get better at with time, though.

>I wish I could learn how to be a better writer just by practising a lot, but maybe the fact is just that I lack the right amount of talent to be one, and therefore I'll always drift in the sea of mediocrity.

I'm pretty sure that if I dug through my few, neurotic conversations with HL fanfic writer Amand-r, one of my greatest idols in fanfic in my early years in fandom, I could find a quote of mine saying exactly that! See, we *are* twins. Twins in kink as in neurosis. *g*

You have talent. And in a couple of years, if you keep writing, you will look back at your beginnings and be amazed by how much you have improved.

Do either you or I have as much talent as, say, Loz - or for that matter, the great idol of my past, Amand-r? I'll be quite honest: no, we probably don't. Not me, and not you. But we *do* have talent, and with practice, we can get pretty good - certainly well above average. Both of us. (Also, keep in mind that although we're both at near-native speaker level in English, we're still writing in our second language, and it's only natural that some things will be a bit more difficult for us - using the language in really unconventional, creative ways being one of these, unfortunately. Fortunately, though, you never stop learning, so this, too, gets easier.)

[Speaking of neurosis and insecurity: at some point of my fannish 'carreer', Amand-r friended me. You can imagine how thrilled I was. Eventually she defriended me again. I wasn't good/interesting/talented/... enough. (Or rather, she probably got overwhelmed by the length of her flist and pruned it to make it more manageable, and I was just someone she'd talked to a couple of times, not a close friend. Yes, I can be rational about this. *g*) This just as an aside, to underline how I'm really not all that great and impressive. ;-)]

Another thing...

[hmpf.livejournal.com]

I don't know, maybe you will find this helpful - I know it's helping *me*: Somehow, I seem to have different standards for fanfic and pro writing. In fanfic, I tend to be most impressed by people who are capable of really striking turns of phrase. In pro writing, I like that, too, but I also honestly and deeply love a lot of writers who write in a much less 'visible', less striking way, whose style is a lot more 'normal'. When I realised that I became a lot more at peace with my own writing skills - because I think I'm perfectly capable of being a good writer of that second sort, even if I may never be one of the first sort.

So, basically - maybe we shouldn't try to compare ourselves to a type of writer we can't be, and try instead to be a good writer of the kind we *can* be. Because there are many different kinds of good writing.

[bistokids.livejournal.com]

The bit I like best (and, knowing me, I'll have chosen the bit you loathe and never want to see again!) is this:

Your world,

and you just a piece of the puzzle.

I find it slightly brain-churning that Sam's there, desperately trying to piece everything together, but he's so much part of the conundrum that ultimately he doesn't stand a chance. It's a concept I've thought of exploring in fic, but so far the right framework hasn't come to me. Probably just as well for what remains of my sanity!

That's my favourite bit, too!

[hmpf.livejournal.com]

It needs the bits before, too, though.

Yeah, poor Sam, caught in his own mental trap, so to speak. (There's a bit about self-built traps in this fic, too, but I'm not sure yet how well it actually fits in with Sam's character, really - that part was written mostly by my subconscious, methinks!) - Though this fic's really mostly about Annie. I'm usually rather of the mindset that 1973 is not real, which kind of makes the emotional state of the 1973 characters rather less important than Sam's, but if you entertain the idea that they're real, you really get struck by how frustrating it must be to try to have any kind of relationship (friendship, love, whatever) with a man who doesn't believe you're real.

Sorry. Rambling.