It's ridiculous how much fear I have of checking my f-list.

Feels like too little, too late, to jump back in now, really. Can't save something that's been destroyed so thoroughly. Doesn't matter that I always cared - you have to show it, too. If you can't, for whatever weird mental reason, then that's too bad, but it's really not the problem of the people you abandoned; it's yours.

In books and movies, people make a clean break, leave their lives behind, make a new life with new friends somewhere else. That's how you do it. You don't get a second (well, okay maybe a second, but not a third - and I'm on my fourth or fifth try here) chance with people you treated like dirt for years. You accept that you can't fix the hurt, and that some relationships are lost. You just have to accept that you screwed up, and do better with the new people who come into your life.

No matter if you still miss the old ones.

But the idea of phoning someone is still scary.


I think I may do an exploratory foray into LJ reading tonight. See how many people are even still around. (I've been told there's been an exodus.)

Maybe make a filter for reading just a few people, to keep it manageable.

Reading a few again would be a huge step forward, compared to years of not reading anybody.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-introverts-corner/200911/introversion-and-the-energy-equation

This is interesting, because I've referred to myself, on occasion, as an emotional vampire - and I didn't know that expression was used by other people as well. It's also interesting that the article talks about energy in relation to social interactions, because when I try to explain my problem with social life to people, I often refer to my available level of energy. I usually say I'm a "low energy person" when it comes to social life. ETA: Actually, I'm a low energy person in general, I think. There is - usually - only very little energy available in my psyche for social relations, and that means I can be a good friend to one or two people - maybe three; or I can be a bad friend to more. There is only so much energy to go around.

"Emotional vampire" is a very negative term of course, and the description makes it sound like a choice: emotional vampires "tend to like a big return but don't like making such a big investment" - "like" and "don't like", not "need" and "can't". Emotional vampires are, in other words, (somewhat) deliberately exploiting other people. Maybe - well, okay, *certainly* - this is true for some people. But, speaking for myself, this is definitely *not* something I do because I "like" it. Rather, it's something that happens because I have an unfortunate need for deep connection paired with an extremely low energy level available for social interactions.

The situation is exacerbated by the fact that, I think, the same description also fits rather a lot of the people I care about. Which means that none of us can fulfill the other's needs. We all need more from the other than we can give. A lot of the time; maybe most of the time. When I've seen a friend or two, or written an e-mail or two, or made a phonecall or two, that - usually - means I've exhausted my social energy reservoir for the week. I have seriously considered making a schedule of some sort, spacing out social contacts according to some rota so that everyone I care about gets at least *some* attention from me, if only at long intervals. Of course, social life doesn't really work that way.

ETA 2: Sorry, no replies to comments today; awfully busy day, just needed to ramble about this for a moment because it seemed so a propos.

60% M.A. thesis fear
10% fear of not finding a job in summer/autumn 2009
5% fear of finding a job that will eat my life
10% awareness of precarious pecuniary situation
10% social guilt
5% frustration at lack of headspace for creative endeavours
----------------------------------------------------
100% insomnia

Though, to be honest, tonight it's more like

30% M.A. thesis fear
10% fear of not finding a job
5% fear of finding a job
45% awareness of precarious pecuniary situation
5% social guilt
5% frustration at lack of headspace for creativity

The result is still 100% insomnia, though.

It wouldn't be so bad if it didn't affect my eyes and my back so badly. Unfortunately, after a few sleepless nights my eyes and my back are pretty much killing me, and while caffeine will help keep me awake and somewhat functional for thesis preparation purposes through the day, there's nothing that can be done to combat the back and eye pain.

Well, I guess I could take painkillers. But really, needing massive doses of caffeine to get through the day is bad enough. I don't want to get dependent on something worse than that.