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I feel like I'm still recovering from an illness...
... the illness of archaeology. ;-)
I've been kind of busy with Real Life stuff (visiting family, meeting friends) the last couple of days, and when I haven't been busy with that kind of thing I've mostly spent my time going through *all* the many, many stacks of paper consisting of uni notes, ancient to-do-lists, 'official' letters/documents, long-neglected personal communications, personal notes, fandom notes, story ideas... sorting them, and throwing *a lot* of stuff out. It feels so good, I can't begin to describe it. Every stack of paper that goes is a weight lifted from my soul. I'm almost done now - maybe a couple more hours and then I'll be 'free' of years and years of paper backlog. Feels as if my mind is clearing at the same rate...
I've compiled a new 'master to-do-list' from all my old to-do-lists, and it's still massive, but slightly less scary than before because it's all on one list now. I plan to get all the 'easy' stuff on it done this week, just to shorten it a bit. Of course, the 'easy' stuff isn't really what's the problem in my life, but still, it will feel good to strike something like ten to fifteen items off the list. :-)
And then, of course, I need to get started on the next big essay, the Marcuse one. Difficult, but also kind of intriguing, so I'm kind of looking forward to that.
**
The bad news is that my writing neurosis reared its head again today. That's the "OMG, I can't read this story; it looks too good in ways that are too close to the kind of things I want to do with my own fiction but can't" neurosis, for those who were wondering. ;-) The last time it struck it put me off reading fanfic entirely for three years. I'm slightly less neurotic now than I was, so I don't think I'll react this extremely again, but I may still have to keep away from certain fics that 'hit too close to home', at least until I feel more sure of my own abilities again. The most productive way of reacting to this feeling is usually to concentrate doubly hard on improving my own writing, which I did intend to do today, but then I realised that I needed to get rid of *all* the stacks of paper before I could start *anything* new in my life. I *need* a clean slate before I start on the next phase of my studies as well as - hopefully - a phase of writing more consistently and more seriously than I have so far.
Yes, you read that right: I want to give a different way of writing a try; let's see if some discipline helps to get more than five pages a year out of me! I'm thinking of something like an hour or two of writing time, every other day or so. Some kind of regular schedule.
Of course, I have an atrocious track record regarding self-control, so I'm not sure how far my determination will carry me. I may need help. I may need to enlist people to kick my ass occasionally. I dunno.
**
I also probably shouldn't make the mistake to see the current 'high' as a sign that all my problems have been solved all of a sudden. So, I should probably still follow my plans of looking for some kind of help.
**
In other news: In the end, I did not watch Heroes nor BSG or anything I listed in my entry a few days ago. Instead, I watched old Doctor Who. Really old Doctor Who - First and Second Doctor. (This is actually compatible with sorting through old paperwork, as the pace of the stories is so slow you'd fall asleep if you didn't do something else besides. *g*) While looking at Outpost Gallifrey's episode guide I was once again highly amused at the frequent recurrence of the words 'death' and 'terror' in the episode titles. The British sure know what children want! *g*
**
I am greatly enjoying the current storyline of Finder, which finally gives us another glimpse at the life of the Grosvenor family. I <3 Lynne, although he's completely fucked up... (He also looks rather a lot like Jaeger! But I think he's slightly too old to really be Jaeger's son.)
**
And finally, here's a mysterious note I found on an old piece of paper in one of my stacks:
"flibbusk: ten-legged, disagreeable when prevented from mating"
- Anyone have *any* idea what that could refer to? Cause I'm completely mystified.
I've been kind of busy with Real Life stuff (visiting family, meeting friends) the last couple of days, and when I haven't been busy with that kind of thing I've mostly spent my time going through *all* the many, many stacks of paper consisting of uni notes, ancient to-do-lists, 'official' letters/documents, long-neglected personal communications, personal notes, fandom notes, story ideas... sorting them, and throwing *a lot* of stuff out. It feels so good, I can't begin to describe it. Every stack of paper that goes is a weight lifted from my soul. I'm almost done now - maybe a couple more hours and then I'll be 'free' of years and years of paper backlog. Feels as if my mind is clearing at the same rate...
I've compiled a new 'master to-do-list' from all my old to-do-lists, and it's still massive, but slightly less scary than before because it's all on one list now. I plan to get all the 'easy' stuff on it done this week, just to shorten it a bit. Of course, the 'easy' stuff isn't really what's the problem in my life, but still, it will feel good to strike something like ten to fifteen items off the list. :-)
And then, of course, I need to get started on the next big essay, the Marcuse one. Difficult, but also kind of intriguing, so I'm kind of looking forward to that.
**
The bad news is that my writing neurosis reared its head again today. That's the "OMG, I can't read this story; it looks too good in ways that are too close to the kind of things I want to do with my own fiction but can't" neurosis, for those who were wondering. ;-) The last time it struck it put me off reading fanfic entirely for three years. I'm slightly less neurotic now than I was, so I don't think I'll react this extremely again, but I may still have to keep away from certain fics that 'hit too close to home', at least until I feel more sure of my own abilities again. The most productive way of reacting to this feeling is usually to concentrate doubly hard on improving my own writing, which I did intend to do today, but then I realised that I needed to get rid of *all* the stacks of paper before I could start *anything* new in my life. I *need* a clean slate before I start on the next phase of my studies as well as - hopefully - a phase of writing more consistently and more seriously than I have so far.
Yes, you read that right: I want to give a different way of writing a try; let's see if some discipline helps to get more than five pages a year out of me! I'm thinking of something like an hour or two of writing time, every other day or so. Some kind of regular schedule.
Of course, I have an atrocious track record regarding self-control, so I'm not sure how far my determination will carry me. I may need help. I may need to enlist people to kick my ass occasionally. I dunno.
**
I also probably shouldn't make the mistake to see the current 'high' as a sign that all my problems have been solved all of a sudden. So, I should probably still follow my plans of looking for some kind of help.
**
In other news: In the end, I did not watch Heroes nor BSG or anything I listed in my entry a few days ago. Instead, I watched old Doctor Who. Really old Doctor Who - First and Second Doctor. (This is actually compatible with sorting through old paperwork, as the pace of the stories is so slow you'd fall asleep if you didn't do something else besides. *g*) While looking at Outpost Gallifrey's episode guide I was once again highly amused at the frequent recurrence of the words 'death' and 'terror' in the episode titles. The British sure know what children want! *g*
**
I am greatly enjoying the current storyline of Finder, which finally gives us another glimpse at the life of the Grosvenor family. I <3 Lynne, although he's completely fucked up... (He also looks rather a lot like Jaeger! But I think he's slightly too old to really be Jaeger's son.)
**
And finally, here's a mysterious note I found on an old piece of paper in one of my stacks:
"flibbusk: ten-legged, disagreeable when prevented from mating"
- Anyone have *any* idea what that could refer to? Cause I'm completely mystified.
no subject
It's a Farscape critter - I think D'Argo(?) (Rygel?) insulted Crichton by comparing him to a flibbusk, and that was the definition given.
Crikey, the fannish trivia I have stored in my brain! *G*
Ah, thank you!
Re: Ah, thank you!
no subject
What did you say the cure was?
Yikes, *you* are one of the two people in this fandom...
(I haven't read your latest yet, either...)
(The other fic I couldn't read was Lozenger's 'Palimpsest'.)
Oddly enough I'm fine with great fic as long as it doesn't get too close to exactly the things I'm trying to do in my own fic. There are many different ways of writing well, and I can enjoy most of them.
Unfortunately I don't have any real solution - the only thing that really helps, in my experience, is concentrating on my own writing and writing *one* 'perfect' story in the fandom in question. I.e. one story that does exactly what I want a fic in that fandom to do, in exactly the way I want it to do it. I know that I'm capable of this, more or less, but I also know that it takes me several years, normally. Which means that for several years, I won't feel comfortable reading brilliant fic, and that's a shame.
Re: Yikes, *you* are one of the two people in this fandom...
(PS: The writer who I'm "scared" of is in The Mighty Boosh fandom, so unless you're into that sort of thing, you're probably safe. She's a legend among the fandom, an epic writer, crafting the sort of stories you want to force non-net types to read, you know.)
Hum to your solution, sir. (Ma'am.) I guess knuckling down is the only answer, but right now I'm just focusing on staying away from the things that affect me, even though I know I'm missing out on some great stuff.
Maybe we could form a support group? That...does...I don't know what it would do. We could cry a lot? And bitch? Ooh, and rec some really awful fanfiction to each other, so we feel a lot better about our own work? Sometimes that helps.
Luck to you, anyway.
You know what's weird?
I think my problem with enjoying some great fanfic *may* come at least partly from the fact that one thing I find incredibly difficult in writing fanfic is getting the characters' voices right. In pro fic, as the original creator of your own characters, that is simply not so much of an issue (I haven't written much original fic, and none that really featured characters, so I'm not exactly speaking from experience here, but it's logical, isn't it?) So, one of the worst things for my self-esteem as a writer is reading a fic that is *so* perfectly Sam and/or Gene that I feel I'll never even get close to capturing them similarly well. (I think I'll be able to get Sam right, with a bit of practise, but I have serious doubts I'll ever be able to capture Gene. There's the problem of language, for one... I'm *not* good at British slang, because all my English is derived from reading 'literature', and often American literature, at that. Also, he's just a difficult character for myself to put myself into, mentally.)
Another thing I can't deal with so well is extremely inventive, effective use of language, but that is *slightly* easier to bear because looking at recent stuff I've written and comparing it to stuff from, say 2000, I can see that I've made a lot of progress in that department and am likely to make some more, so I feel like I *may* get there, myself, someday.
Oddly enough...
Re: Oddly enough...
A good friend of mine once described writing original fiction as like being in a dark room with the lights off, stumbling around with a candle. With original fiction, you just don't know what you're doing or where you're going, you have nothing to work with, and of course you don't have that instant gratification of an audience and feedback. However, I get what you mean about trying to work with someone else's characters - I think they're different skill sets. Sadly our fanfic ones don't come in terribly useful for other careers, I suppose.
Agree wholeheartedly on reading earlier stuff and seeing improvement - although occasionally that too depresses me, because I feel like I can see a future!me reading my stuff now and shaking her head. Ach.
(PS: re:british slang, remember this is the 1970s, and a lot of British writers are in a similar position. I'm not saying you don't have it harder, but just that you should go easy on yourself, because as far as I know, most of us are just going off the source material rather than anything from this country. Er. That country, me being in Japan, I suppose.)
ON AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT NOTE: I see you have The Sandman in your interests. Sam Tyler absolutely positively has to meet Dream of the Endless. He's on a...shit, I forgot the word...one of those sandbars, out on the edge of Dreaming. With Murphy and the Cuckoo and that.
Re: Oddly enough...
Hahaha. I do exactly the same thing. Must be a universal writers' condition.
>A good friend of mine once described writing original fiction as like being in a dark room with the lights off, stumbling around with a candle. With original fiction, you just don't know what you're doing or where you're going, you have nothing to work with,
That describes fanfiction for me, too, though my metaphor of choice is 'taking a long hike in a very dense fog'. That's why it takes me ages to finish anything. I never know what the next step should be, and I keep running into things blocking my way. (Very frustrating.)
>and of course you don't have that instant gratification of an audience and feedback.
Instant gratification? What instant gratification? Most fics take me years to write; other people write several novels in the time I need to finish eight pages of fic. There is no instant gratification here.
>I feel like I can see a future!me reading my stuff now and shaking her head.
I'm told that happens to everyone, even long-published pros. Also, I don't know about you, but even with my older stuff whose flaws I can see quite clearly, I rarely think 'oh my god, that's terrible'. It *isn't* that terrible. It's just not particularly good, but there's so much worse stuff about. I'm not mortally embarrassed by anything I ever put out there, except perhaps for my very first fic ever.
>PS: re:british slang, remember this is the 1970s, and a lot of British writers are in a similar position.
Yeah, but I can't even write convincing present-day British dialogue. I mean, if I were able to do *that*, that would be a start...
And the source material, the show, isn't enough for me to pick up something like an authentic British colloquial voice from it. I learn far better by reading; I in fact lived in Britain for a while (ten months, 2003-2004) but didn't manage to pick up even a *hint* of colloquial British English despite that.
>I see you have The Sandman in your interests. Sam Tyler absolutely positively has to meet Dream of the Endless.
May I direct you to this plot bunny:
http://community.livejournal.com/jumping_off/7808.html?thread=58496#t58496
I am so going to write that. Unfortunately that means it will only be finished in two or three or four years, if at all. But hey, it's that or not writing at all for me, and, given that choice, I really prefer writing painfully slowly to not writing at all by rather a large margin.
Re: You know what's weird?
Hmm, good point. Perhaps it's easier for me.
And I feel that way about writing too. I have a feeling it's a chronic writerly condition. ;)
no subject
I am so glad for you that you're coming out of your funk. And I really do understand how amazing cleaning shit up can be. I hate tidying, but I did it about two weeks ago. Bought two huge plastic crates for storage since mold ate away my bookcase and almost took some books with it and my GOD it's an incredibly empowering feeling to know where all your stuff it and exactly what you own.
I wouldn't worry too much about what'll happen when your resolve disappears - if it does - take time to enjoy this moment. This proves that when you're not in the grips of exhaustion and depression, you're fully capable of approaching your life positively and with the intention to take charge of it as opposed to feeling overwhelmed - even if it's honestly overwhelming. And if you do find yourself in the grip of depression/exhausion again, instead of beating yourself up about falling behind, take it as a sign you need to concentrate on recovering; clearly the rest will take care of itself.
Because you're awesome. :)