Mar. 26th, 2012 04:36 pm
hmpf: (lom snark)
My "stick to canon" tendencies are also a large part of why Sam's canonically stated but never actually properly seen relationships in 2006 had such importance to me, instead of the seen in detail, but canonically stated to be imaginary, relationships he had in 1973.

I wonder what that says about me. Is it part of some kind of dysfunction, this "deprivileging" of emotional reality?

Though maybe canon in this case just fit my predilections and prejudices best? In reading and writing, I'm into alienation, after all (among other things) and a Sam who is yearning to return to the present is more alienated than a Sam who's just happy in 1973 and feels really at home there. So I needed Sam to care about 2006, I needed those relationships to matter to him, and thus they were real to me. I've been known to ignore parts of canon in other fandoms - in my personal HL universe, for example, the silly Ahriman stuff never happened.

So maybe I only closely stick to canon in shows where canon is inherently compatible with my reading kinks. (I would have liked a happy ending for Sam in LoM, but it would probably have killed my urge to write in the fandom, because where can you go after that, if angst is what you're after? :D)

... I should go and do something important now.
hmpf: (Default)
There's still something I utterly don't get about slash in LoM fandom - and it's not the sex, although that still doesn't do anything for me. But I 'get' why the sex might be interesting for people.

Read more... )
hmpf: (fanatic)
My project of reccing - mostly older - FS vids is confronting me with the conundrum of how to handle vids I love but which aren't available online anymore (and in some cases were deliberately removed by their makers because, for whatever reason, they didn't feel comfortable with sharing them anymore). I'd like many people to weigh in, so here's a link:,34610.msg761136.html


Dec. 9th, 2008 08:31 pm
hmpf: (meta)
I'm at work; I meant to read Mikey's furry!porn now, but my boss is around, so maybe not. ;-) Instead, I clicked on my 'meta' tag, because occasionally I get curious about my own past thoughts - and rediscovered that I actually give fairly good meta, albeit not on a very regular basis. I mean, it's not worldclass meta - it's often vague and disorganised and so on - but I still enjoy rereading some of those discussions, and I don't feel terribly stupid in retrospect. In most cases, anyway. *g*

I'm a bit ashamed, though, because in about half of those discussions I dropped out halfway through, due to my tendency to get overwhelmed.

I wish there was a way to not only download the contents of one's LJ including comments, but also to re-upload them to some other journaling service including comments, because I'd hate for fandom to lose all of this public history in the inevitable move sometime in the medium-term future. (We all know that fandom can't stay on LJ forever, don't we? We may try to ignore that fact, like San Francisco may try to ignore that it's due for a monstrously big earthquake, but it's still there, looming ominously somewhere in the future.)


Dec. 8th, 2008 11:29 pm
hmpf: (meta)
the thesis is still an absolute nightmare, and apparently my brain thinks that's the perfect situation to start churning out fic like it's a goddamn ficcing machine. I wrote a whole!!! story!!! in only four days!!! That's 1,500 words, and it's still only a draft, but normally with me, even drafts take years. *boggles at self* (And don't worry, [ profile] ommadon, I only did this after I'd done my daily eight or more hours of work on the thesis.)

Mind you, it's not very good - though part of the lack of quality is kind of deliberate.

It's fic based on fic, no less. I've sort of adopted Mikey's Undercover universe as a kind of sub-fandom, it seems. And thus I have now written Undercover fanfic. Which means I have technically written LoM slash - the last kind of slash in the entire universe that I could imagine writing. *boggles some more*

Also, I just made the mistake of taking a look at metafandom, the first in a long while, and I found YAFD (Yet Another Feedback Discussion), mainly about feedback for fic fests and holiday exchanges and the like. And I remember this kind of discussion and this kind of angst from previous years, and even from the time when I still participated in fic-fests-avant-la-lettre (my last such participation was in 2003, I think.) And I have to wonder: why *do* people participate in fic fests and holiday exchanges and the like? Because as far as I can see,

- they cause a lot of feedback angst, both among the writers, who feel depressed if they get less feedback than others who participated in the same event, and among the readers, who feel they need to give feedback to - ideally - everyone involved, which means reading, and thinking about, and finding something to say about dozens of fics;
- in the case of holiday fests and exchanges, they put considerable additional stress on people in an already stressful situation;
- and (all right, I can really only speak for myself here, as this is not a complaint I've heard often from others) very often the resulting fics are less than satisfactory, because sometimes you get a prompt that just doesn't work for you, and generally speaking you can't give the story the time it needs.

So. What's the appeal?

(I know that, when I still participated, I mostly did it because it seemed to be what people *did.* Peer pressure, if you will, although there wasn't really any pressure. I just drifted with the crowd. And I liked that it made me actually finish something for a change. Then I realised that, even if it did undeniably make me finish things, I was never *happy* with the things it made me finish. So that was when I decided to stop.)

Right. Back to the thesis now. But, err, feel free to discuss amongst yourselves. And I may drop in again later, maybe. ;-)
hmpf: (Default)
What we really need is not for society to accept new labels, new groups (homosexuality, bisexuality, asexuality... various fetishes... polyamory) but to do away with the need for labels and groups completely. It's too complex, contradictory and fluid a thing, on every scale (and there are at least two different, intersecting scales here - strength of drive and type of attraction - and possibly more) to be categorised. And, while it's true that we always have to generalise because otherwise communication is impossible (reality is always more complex than the words that try to capture it, but we do need to talk about it nevertheless), I'm not sure that having more opportunity to differentiate really helps much, in this particular area of human experience. Having a whole *bunch* of minorities I could identify as does not help me.

Perhaps this is one area of life where we should just try to learn to live with the fact that... life just doesn't always *fit* all those neat little boxes we make up in our minds? That sometimes it really is amorphous, ever-changing, and possibly even weird beyond description... (and also, that this is a feature and not a bug. Repeat after me, society: DEVIANCE DOES NOT EQUAL ILLNESS.)

Cultural identity would be another such area.

We need fewer boundaries, fewer mental demarcation lines.

Oh, and I'd also like world peace, please.
hmpf: (odd one out)
So, whenever I've posted new fic to my website and announced it in LJ, I tend to check my website stats the next day or so, because I do want to know about the people who read my stuff. Not writing *for* an audience does *not* equal not being curious about the audience you do acquire - and it's simply a fact that if I put something online, it will be read, and yes, I am curious about those invisible strangers who consume something that was produced by my brain. (That, in itself, is not neurotic, I think.)

So... 97 hits since posting.

(Possibly) little known fact: I can see who reads my story Read more... )

Arrgh. Okay, this got long but not necessarily clearer, but I'm too frelling hungry to continue writing, or clarifying. And hey, it's my partyLJ, I can cryramble if I want to. *g*

Need food now.


Someone's mysteriously found this post via metafandom, though I can't see anything there? Oh well, I don't mind either way. So, hi to anyone who wanders in from that direction. Oh, and a lot of people have reacted to this with apologies. Folks: this is not necessary. This wasn't about guilt tripping you; it was about my own neurosis. Neurosis as in 'unhealthy behaviour/thinking pattern'. So, no reason for you to apologise. The problem is located in my psyche, not your behaviour. :-)

Need sleep now.
hmpf: (ears of love)
I'm turning ten in fandom this year.

Being the obsessive-compulsive type that I am, I've kept records of my beginnings in fandom. A bit odd, that, because back then I was still fairly convinced it would only be a short, transitory type of madness, and not a lasting and defining feature of my life. Why did I feel a need to keep records of it, then? Guess some part of me knew better already. Read more... )
hmpf: (meta)
is about half done and clocking in at 3300 words now. If I produced fic at the pace I produce meta I'd be a novelist.

When I'm done with the first version of this I'm going to want to run it by some critical minds before posting it. Any takers? Topics covered include angst and h/c, the problem of the body (esp. in h/c), the problem of eroticising suffering, objectification and exploitation, squicks, the meaning of angst, its relation to sadism/masochism, etc...
hmpf: (angsty)
It's 1880 words in note/brainstorming form already. Arrgh.
hmpf: (meta)
This started as an innocent reply to this post in a discussion starting with this post, but it sort of grew into proper meta and got a bit long, so I'm posting it here:

meta discussion about the legitimacy of paying serious attention to products of 'low' cultural value, which then turns into a discussion of reasons why I connect so strongly with said products )
hmpf: (angsty)
(Sorry. I don't even watch Torchwood. But I sort of liked that ep title.)

But. Seriously. WTF is it with fic writers and killing Sam recently? Seems like it's the new big fad. Which is kind of odd - as well as kind of fitting - seeing as how the lad's *already* dead! I mean, is it even still possible for him to die in 1973? *g*

Bit of meta about deathfic, angst, h/c etc. )


Speaking of dead protagonists. To complement my writing that frelling useless essay/paper/thing about An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge recently (not really - it's just a coincidence, really) I just bought Flann O'Brien's The Third Policeman.

Any other texts with dead protagonists I should know? *g* (I know there are a few movies - Jacob's Ladder, Abre Los Ojos... anything else?)
hmpf: (meta)
This started as a reply to this post, which I found via [ profile] metafandom and which happened to partly address something I've been thinking about a bit recently. It quickly turned into this rambly essay thingie I really couldn't afford to write (I should have been doing university stuff). It's still very 'off the cuff', but realistically, I don't think I'll have the time to restructure and rewrite it; I need to get a move on with some uni stuff in the next couple of days, and that's unfortunately more important than meta. So I'll post it now, unfinished as it is.

This is interesting to me because I am currently writing - for the first time in all my years of writing fanfic - something I am intensely uncomfortable with, and my discomfort is largely related to what you address here:

Read more... )
hmpf: (meta)
I found this:

I just love it. Here "wächst zusammen, was zusammengehört" :D - "old" fandom and "new" fandom, united in wank. I'm awed that the wank isn't dead yet, despite being sixty years old. Not surprised, mind you - I've been to enough "traditional" cons, and read enough fan history, to have been disabused of any notions that that kind of fandom was inherently more peaceful or what have you! *g*

What I love particularly about this, though, is that it got posted to fandom_wank in the first place. It sort of confirms the impression I've been getting over the last few years that the barriers (which have never been entirely impermeable, of course) between these two "kinds" of fandom are becoming more and more permeable. I think I first began to notice this in DW fandom, with its split between "classic Who" and "new Who" fen. At some of the "interfaces" between the two groups, people inevitably began to mingle and communicate.

Of course, even "old school" DW fandom isn't exactly identical with traditional SF fandom; there's another old, old split here between the "literary" fen and those who got into fandom via "media" fandoms... and that's still in effect, I think. But the awareness seems to be growing that we have things in common; that, in fact, we may have sprung from the same tradition.

There also seems to be a greater convergence between these two kinds of fandom and comics fandom lately, and there seems to be a great increase of media fen, and female media fen especially, branching out into comics. Multifannishness is becoming ever more inclusive (or so it seems to me, here on the sidelines.)

I think Livejournal is an important factor in this development - perhaps *the* most important factor. I remember that a few years ago most of the fannish users of LJ seemed to be fanfic-oriented media fen. But this really seems to have changed - nowadays, a lot of people who are affiliated more with "traditional" SF fandom are on LJ, too, and - even more recently, it seems to me - comics fandom has arrived here, too. And suddenly everybody gets to see everybody else's multifannish associations, and things just... open up...
hmpf: (meta)
One thing that is extremely important to me in my writing is... I don't even know if there's an 'official' term for this... 'rhythm'? 'Sound'? 'Flow'? I spend a lot of time listening to what I write - rereading sentences and paragraphs and just listening to them, not for aspects of meaning but for things like... I dunno... sound, or sequencing, maybe? The sequence of long and short sentences and phrases; the pauses caused by commas, semicolons, full stops. I can spend months deliberating on the placing of a comma. I've just removed an 'and' from a sentence, purely for 'rhythm' reasons, for what feels like the hundredth time. I'll probably add it back in tomorrow, or even later today. And then maybe remove it again. And add it back in. Until I've finally figured out whether it should be there or not.

I never really *decided* that this was the way I wanted to go about writing. I just can't seem to do it any other way. I read a paragraph I've written and I just *know*, sometimes, often, that it doesn't 'flow' as it should. And that's when the endless editing and rewriting begins; that, perhaps more than coming up with the actual 'meat' of a story, is what's taking me so frelling long. A lot of the last year out of the three years I spent working on the barely eight pages of Normal was spent on problems like that.

Likewise, when writing something new, I often know the 'rhythmic structure' of a sentence long before I know what that sentence will say. That is to say, I know "the next sentence needs to be long, and read fast and a little breathless", for example. It can be very, very difficult to find the appropriate 'content' for the predetermined 'shape' of a sentence. A lot of my difficulty with Möglichkeitssinn right now is of that sort. Most of it just doesn't read right yet - purely in terms of sound/rhythm/whatever you want to call it.

My problem with the first sentence of 68 Wives is related to this. I often get fixated on certain rhythmic structures for certain parts of my writing, and once I've got the idea of what a sentence should sound like lodged firmly in my head, it's hard to dislodge it again. This is what's happened to me with the first sentence of 68 Wives. The sentence doesn't make sense in its current form, but I can't imagine it *sounding* any different; and that, of course, makes it very difficult to change the content of the sentence, because any new version will also *sound* different. This whole complex of issues is also one of the things that made it impossible for me to rewrite Epilogue. Epilogue has a voice problem, and voice is created by variations in rhythm etc., among other things. (I've recently put that story back online in its old form, because I'm thoroughly stumped as to how to improve it, although it really is a shame to leave it in its present state. It could be really good; currently, though, it's just a good idea that's been very badly executed.)
hmpf: (meta)
fandom seems to have moved to livejournal almost completely, even for those things that aren't necessarily best served by LJ. In fact, very little except the pure socialising part of fandom - which is, of course, an important part, no contest about that! - is *really* best served by LJ. Forums are better suited for discussion, since they allow discussions to stay in the public eye, and thus stay *active* longer, whereas on LJ a discussion will drop off people's friends page pretty quickly, turning discussions into quick, transitory, blink-and-you'll-miss-them things. (Sure, those people who noticed and joined the discussion when it popped up on their friends page often keep at it for days - but on a forum, a new contributor might discover it months after it started, and bring it back to the top by posting to it, and *everyone who contributed until then would notice*, and the discussion would be revitalised. A good LJ discussion goes on for days; a good forum discussion can go on for months.) And archives are much more suited for presenting fan-made content, esp. fanfic, because they don't require the potential reader to first learn about the individual LJs of three or four dozen writers and then search those LJs for fic; also, archives usually allow searching for different categories of fic, *and* they keep stuff accessible. Etc.

But, my general reservations about fandom's near-complete move to LJ (and f-locked LJs, for that matter) aside, my issue here is mainly with fanfic. I find the posting of fic to LJ and *only* to LJ, as seems increasinbly the practice in fandom, a bit antisocial, to be honest. (After turning into one of the official naysayers of Life On Mars fandom, I am now working on discrediting myself in fandom at large... ;-)) And I don't *understand* the attitude behind it, either. I mean, *why* would people not want their fic to find the widest possible readership? And how can they not care if it will still be easily accessible to new readers in a year or two?

The cynical part of me can't help wondering if there's a tendency to move away from fandom as a community and treat it as merely a tool for instant, personal gratification. I.e. as soon as you've posted a fic to your LJ and received an amount of feedback for that fic, you move on to the next fic for which you will get feedback in turn, and old fics become uninteresting simply because they don't generate large amounts of feedback anymore - so why bother keeping them easily accessible? That readers who come into the fandom later might still want read those older fics just doesn't matter, because the gratification to the writer is negligible, and the reader's gratification simply doesn't figure into the equation.

As I said, it's the cynical part of me that came up with that explanation.

Well, no matter what the reasons, it seems to me that the decentralised, dispersed nature of fandom on LJ is a good way to make sure that, instead of amassing a wonderful, huge collective treasure of fanworks for 'later generations' of fen to discover and enjoy, most of our work will simply disappear into obscurity and relative 'un-findability' fairly soon after it's posted.

Am I the only one who finds that perspective a bit sad?

(Also, I dislike the tendency for fandom to happen in a - however slightly extended - big 'NOW' for the personal reason of often being stressed out of my mind. The fact that fandom - discussions, fics, everything - seems to happen so quickly now, and requires you to constantly stay on top of things because you'll never be able to *find* the good stuff again if you don't notice it immediately when it's posted is a considerable additional stress factor. Which is sad, because I'd much rather 'do' fandom at my leisure, and I'm a naturally slow person. So, instead of 'doing' fandom at my own pace, I tend to go into hyperactive fannish phases when I manage to keep up with things for a few months, and then drop out of everything completely for months in turn. Needless to say, that way I hardly know what's happening anymore, and miss most of the good fic, debate etc.)

I've been out of the meta game for ages, so I don't know if this has been discussed on [ profile] metafandom, recently or at all. If anyone remembers related discussions and can point me there, that would be much appreciated. I'm mostly interested in the question of why people aren't interested in keeping stuff accessible, because that is something I really, truly do not 'get'. So, if anyone can explain that mindset to me... I'm really curious about it.


May. 9th, 2007 05:05 pm
hmpf: (meta)
I just discovered that if I mentally redefine reading [ profile] metafandom as 'possible preparation for my thesis' instead of 'fandom time' I can get away with reading it guilt-free! *g* It's certainly often more enlightening than the average uni seminar...

(One of my recent posts was linked there, which caused me to start to try and catch up with stuff. I've been out of the loop for nearly a year. And, considering that writing my thesis about something fandom-related *is* a real possibility at the moment, it really *is* a good idea to catch up with some recent fannish meta discussion.)
hmpf: (ears of love)
When cleaning up my old notes and paperwork recently, I found several abandoned drafts for - sadly unfinished - meta posts. I don't really have the time to clean them up and make them presentable (or add substance to the 'thinner' ones), but I also don't quite feel like simply throwing them away. So, maybe, I'll be posting a few of them here. Or at least I'll be posting one today. It's a - fairly unspectacular, really - bit of Methos meta, but I think it may actually be of some interest for Life on Mars fandom, too, as it deals with canon inconsistencies/insufficiencies and fannish reactions to those. Essentially, it's a bit like the 'canon vs. fanon' situation we have in LoM now, only that in LoM we're still struggling with declaring our mental independence from canon. HL fandom has a lot more practice in that department, as large parts of HL canon have sucked, or at least been severely disappointing, throughout the history of the franchise, and the fandom has been feverishly 'fixing' things for more than fifteen years now... (There's a difference, though, in the fact that the *majority* of HL fandom sees a need to fix things, whereas in LoM fandom only a very small minority feels that way.)

Anyway, this particular bit of meta is not really about the fixing of HL canon in general, but about one character who, arguably, is so very fascinating to fans because he was probably not planned but rather improvised by the writers, which shows in his characterisation... i.e., our fascination, and the fanon versions of his character that we love, are *based* heavily on the fact that *the source text is flawed*.

Here goes the old, abandoned Methos meta. )

ETA: This really hardly even deserves the title 'draft'. It needs fleshing out, it needs structure, it needs lots of things... but I don't have the time.

ETA2: I think the point I was trying to make was that, no matter *how* we interpret him, a certain degree of 'fixing things' is always involved in developing a fannish relationship with Methos.

Gah. My brain is completely fried today. I need to think more about the parallels and differences here - because there *are* differences between the LoM and the HL situation, though I can't quite put my finger on them yet.
hmpf: (meta)
Today I decided to take up my old, abandoned experiment in excavating my own livejournal past again, so I visited my journal at (acquired ages ago in case LJ ever goes belly up or becomes inhospitable to fandom or whatever). I was using/will be using that journal to post old entries from my livejournal. As luck will have it, the very first ancient entry I posted there contained this:

old meta, new meta... )
hmpf: (meta)
This was originally a response to [ profile] cathexys's meta post which itself was a reply to another post, but you can just follow the link for *that*... ;-) It got way too long to be posted in the replies thread, and possibly a tad off topic, as well, revealing more about some of my issues than about [ profile] cathexys's original points, so I decided to rework it a bit and post it here instead.

click here for loooooooong, rambling essay thing )

There. That was long, and possibly quite beside the point. I should probably read it again before I post it, but I really, really can't be bothered at the moment. I think I need to vid a bit now, and exchange the intellectual frustration of being unable to control my argument tightly enough to keep it from veering away from the original topic with the technological frustration of being unable to insert proper fade transitions between video clips...

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