F-list

Mar. 12th, 2012 02:09 pm
hmpf: (best angst ever)
It's ridiculous how much fear I have of checking my f-list.

Feels like too little, too late, to jump back in now, really. Can't save something that's been destroyed so thoroughly. Doesn't matter that I always cared - you have to show it, too. If you can't, for whatever weird mental reason, then that's too bad, but it's really not the problem of the people you abandoned; it's yours.

In books and movies, people make a clean break, leave their lives behind, make a new life with new friends somewhere else. That's how you do it. You don't get a second (well, okay maybe a second, but not a third - and I'm on my fourth or fifth try here) chance with people you treated like dirt for years. You accept that you can't fix the hurt, and that some relationships are lost. You just have to accept that you screwed up, and do better with the new people who come into your life.

No matter if you still miss the old ones.
hmpf: (best angst ever)
But the idea of phoning someone is still scary.


I think I may do an exploratory foray into LJ reading tonight. See how many people are even still around. (I've been told there's been an exodus.)

Maybe make a filter for reading just a few people, to keep it manageable.

Reading a few again would be a huge step forward, compared to years of not reading anybody.
hmpf: (Default)
One... two... three...

*jumps in*
hmpf: (Default)
(Okay, for anyone who's wondering why I'm not already on my way to Hamburg: it became clear eventually that I just couldn't finish all the necessary uni work and "work" work in time, so I mailed the people at Internship 2 and asked if I could possibly start a couple days later. And they agreed. So here I am, still working my head off. Wheeee. Did I mention I also cancelled my holiday, which was to have been the latter half of the week just past? Yes, I think I did.)

So, anyway, here's my brilliant, innovative idea: provided I have internet at my new home, and a quiet corner to which I can withdraw for a while in the evenings (slightly doubtful, as I'll be sharing a room with another intern), how about I do a bit of LJ reading every evening? Instead of lugging a bunch of books with me...

Of course, this could be undermined by my parents giving me a bunch of books for my birthday next week. I know I put a bunch of books on my wishlist... Then again, I also put a bunch of CDs on there, so maybe I'll be getting a bunch of CDs instead of a bunch of books.

I miss you.

Feb. 6th, 2010 09:54 pm
hmpf: (angsty)
Yes, you.

I'm actually making (slow, incremental) progress in a few areas of my life, at the moment, so maybe I'm inching closer to being able to read you properly again...? I really hope so.
hmpf: (Default)
Bad timing for my first foray into flist reading in two years...

Hey, btw. This dreamwidth thing. Has that really taken off? I may have to check out all the individal LJs of my LJ friends after all, to find out if the reason why they're not posting anymore (if they aren't posting, that is) is because they're just busy or because they've moved to Dreamwidth...
hmpf: (Default)
Okay.

What this all means is that, starting tomorrow (well, today), I'll be reading my flist again. No more. No less.

No catching up (except maybe in special cases, when I see hints that something very important has been happening to someone pretty close to me - for whatever value of 'close' that word still has after so long an abandonment).

I'm declaring LJ bankruptcy, effective today.

Here's to a better 2010.

Gah.

Sep. 12th, 2009 01:28 am
hmpf: (angsty)
I'm finding it incredibly difficult to get back to LJ properly. The backlog is like an immense mountain looming above me. I'm not sure I can climb that mountain.
hmpf: (Default)
Right.

Here's the deal.

I have *no* time. No time for anything beyond uni and the bare necessities of living, that is.

This will continue to be the case for... at least the next eight months. Possibly the entire next year and a bit longer than that, even (though I really hope that there will be a bit of a break somewhere between the eight months and the phase after that).

Technically, I should have spent much less time here in the last few months already; I just ignored the more sensible parts of my mind that said "if you worked a bit more on your thesis now, and a bit less on fic/discussions/catching up with LJ... you would have less stress when the actual deadline for your M.A. comes up, and probably get a better result to boot." Being chronically unable to keep any kind of balance in my life, I overdosed on fandom instead (knowing, at least subconsciously, that it might be my last dose for a long time to come).

To make up for all that lost time, I now have to devote my entire time to my thesis. By now, time's so short that the necessary work is only *barely* manageable, even if I do devote all my time to it. I was deluding myself to think that it would be possible to keep up the semblance of a life beside it.

I am sorry that, in my deluded state, I got involved in some fannish projects, believing I would be able to keep being properly involved - and getting people's enthusiasm up in the process. I hate leaving you guys in a lurch. I hate being unreliable; I hate being a bad friend; I hate being trapped and waylaid by my own inability to plan ahead. The guilt is immense.

Guilt aside, I miss you guys already and will miss you more. I'm literally crying here now. But I think the only way I'm going to get over the next... eight... twelve... months, is by essentially disconnecting the fandom parts of my brain. Fandom is a source of great joy, but it's also the greatest devourer of time in my life. Fandom, *active* fandom - the social side of it, the creative side of it - is not possible without devoting fairly massive amounts of time to it. I've been struggling with it before, and I absolutely can't afford it now.

So this is me announcing another GAFIA (actually, I think, announcing a GAFIA for the first time - the previous ones always just sort of... happened, and weren't so much a matter of conscious decision.) Think of it as me being suddenly offered a chance to work in the Antarctic or something. Communication is going to be difficult, but I'm not going to forget you guys, and it's not forever. It's just a year. Or so.

I'll continue to post here, but it's mostly going to be one-way communications - just short life signs, and a way for me to keep track of myself. I'll be checking in with some of you occasionally, probably mostly silently, but the Great Catching Up Project will have to be restarted when I'm back, *properly* back.

I may go on the occasional surprise posting/commenting spree when I can't bear the isolation anymore.

As a very busy wizard once said: expect me when you see me.

Dammit.

Mar. 24th, 2008 06:03 pm
hmpf: (angsty)
I haven't caught up yet, and in consequence of course I'm falling ever further behind. :-(

I need someone like Thursday Next's dad to freeze time for me for a few days, so I can catch up without everything moving on at breakneck speed at the same time.

I'm also beginning to see more and more clearly that catching up/keeping up will be patently impossible during the thesis writing phase. I'm still only in the preparation phase, but even now it's proving more than I can manage.

Catching up

Mar. 9th, 2008 05:43 pm
hmpf: (Default)
200 down, 220 to go. Will try to get a couple of pages done every day for the next few days.

And once I'm up to date with my current mini-flist, the next big step will be catching up with [livejournal.com profile] selenak's and [livejournal.com profile] seti_drd's truly epic journals, something I've been postponing for ages because it will take weeks.

Problem: the next opportunity for an epic catching up session that will not eat dramatically into my thesis development time will be... err... four weeks from now, I think. Arrgh. Because next weekend I won't be at the library, and the two weekends after that I'll be doing a job where I'm not near a computer.

OMG

Mar. 9th, 2008 10:55 am
hmpf: (Default)
I'm about to start catching up with the minuscule part of my f-list that I was up to date with before I fell out of step with Livejournalland sometime last week:

420 entries.

420 entries!!! In just a little over a week!!! That's 21 pages!

Jeeze, you folks post a lot.

Prize question: will I *ever* be able to actually get all caught up with *all* of my flist? I'm still about a year behind with two thirds of it...
hmpf: (Default)
More or less fine - kinda panicking in slow motion about the thesis.

Cleaning and cooking obsessively, because cleaning is nicely manageable, something you can actually *finish* in a day or two, and cooking likewise leaves you with a nice sense of having accomplished something useful.

Making jewellery(!) - finishing half a dozen things I abandoned, half finished, years ago. Currently working on two rings, six pairs of earrings, two necklaces, and that's just the beginning.

Watching Twin Peaks with a friend, about once a week, in hypnotic seven-hour sessions.

Have managed to sort of 'normalise' my sleep rhythm a bit (it's 4 a.m. to 11 a.m. now instead of 7 a.m. to 2 p.m.).

Still practicing LJ abstinence, because I still feel rather overwhelmed atm.

(Of course, this only makes my ongoing project of catching up with EVERYBODY, ARRGH even less manageable than it already is... *sigh*)

I'll try to return some of my attention to you guys in the next few days. Thing is, I'm so horribly bad at multitasking, I'm not sure how I'm going to find the time without growing massively less efficient in some other area again... but I guess I could kick some of the cleaning and cooking, and replace that with internet time.
hmpf: (Default)
Up to date with 34 individual journals, plus 21 communities and feeds now. Have to admit to have gone mostly for the very short journals so far.

Slightly more than a hundred to go, I think. Arrgh.
hmpf: (angsty)
I spent six hours today (at work - my job basically just requires me to sit around, and some of that sitting around is done near a computer) catching up with *one* journal, and I'm still only half done with that one. oO *waves to [livejournal.com profile] amonitrate* I think this catching up project will take substantially more time than just this month... but it's nice to catch up, too - nice to see what people've been up to. I'm afraid I spammed [livejournal.com profile] amonitrate quite badly with what basically amounted to 1001 variations of "I agree!" today... *g* (BTW, if you're a HL fan you should really go and read her fics. She mostly writes my kind of fic, i.e. angsty gen, and she does it very well indeed. Her Methos is excellent - one of the best I've read. Unfortunately she also shares my tendency to have loads of unfinished snippets of WiPs that don't really progress all that much...)

[livejournal.com profile] dunkle_feuer, I wanted to call today, but I wasn't quite well tonight after work; throughout the entire day, in fact - headache, spells of dizziness etc. I think the week of All Work and Little or No Sleep or Food was taking its toll. Nearly keeled over once during work, actually. Not good! So, when I got home, instead of doing the weekly flat cleaning routine I napped for a couple of hours, and then made dinner, and by the time I felt somewhat okay again it was half past ten (and I have to admit I got distracted by Dexter then, which I'd started to watch during dinner... *g*).

One more ep of Dexter now, and then off to bed. Won't be able to do much in the way of catching up or answering comments tomorrow at work, as tomorrow will mostly be spent sitting around in a place *without* a computer. Will take some of my thesis work with me, I think. And I may not be much around in the evening after work, either, as I'll have to do the cleaning I didn't do today then, plus other stuff I should have done today.
hmpf: (Default)
cause I'm still busy, but not stressed anymore. Yay! Handed in the Paper From Hell, so no pollen analysis for me anymore! And did it ever feel good to return those books to the library, hopefully never to be seen again... Got a few other things sorted out, as well, and my To Do List is now, for the first time in as much as 15 months or so, of manageable dimensions. I feel good. My life's still not completely under control, but the degree of chaos present at the moment I can live with, just about.

Bigger update to come, but first I have to check everybody's LJ's! I've been out of the loop so long it's probably not feasible to *really* catch up with everybody's lives since I left LJ-land many months ago, but I'll try at least to browse the last couple of months...

Random list for November 20, 2005:

Things I Want to Learn More Of/About, in alphabetical order:

Anarchism
Astrophysics
Fandom and New Media Studies
French
Japanese
Latin
Spanish
Turkish

Anyone have a few lifetimes to spare? *g*

Hey. I know most of you probably aren't reading this anymore, but I love you guys. I'm sorry I've been absent. I've missed you.

See you around.
hmpf: (Default)
and a few choice people not on my friends list:

I'll catch up here tomorrow. I've been mostly gone for most of the last two or three weeks, so I don't know what's been happening (I hope no major catastrophes...), but I'm all set to return to full posting mode tomorrow.

Oh, and *I'm free*!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yep, the exam is a thing of the past. It went well, not *great*, but well, (my brain decided to quit in the middle of it, but I still got a pretty good grade). It's funny, since the exam was not *that* big a thing actually, but for the first time in *years* I feel actually stress-free (if that is a word). I'm still busy, of course (getting prepared for England and catching up with my goldsmith's work), but I feel like everything is, more or less, a piece of cake now. :-)

Well... gotta do some house cleaning to do, and meet a friend tonight, so... more tomorrow.

Love you all. :-)

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