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but then discovered I had the wrong screws. Now I have to make another long bike trip through four-lane traffic to the industrial district to buy different ones. Grmpf.
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Just drilled the first two holes (out of four) to anchor my whatever-it's-called-in-English to my workbench. Now very nervous of drilling the next two, which have to be exactly parallel to the first two, and spaced just the right distance from them.
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Now I can never move into a small flat again...

Also, now I have no excuse at all any longer not to do some goldsmithing.

ETA: That's my kitchen, btw. Isn't it crazy-huge?
hmpf: (angsty)
I spent most of today at the workbench, but maaaaan, what a day. Somehow it was only composed of the most annoying parts of goldsmith's work. And I ended up having to scrap a significant percentage of the day's work, just now. Gah.

To Do

Mar. 31st, 2010 01:38 am
hmpf: (angsty)
- Keep looking for a job. (Obviously.) Two applications per week, minimum. Better three.
- Keep improving language and IT skills, among others.
- Develop environmentalist skill set. Read, read, read.
- Research ways to invest what's left of my savings in a way that's allowed by Germany's welfare system. (I'm *way* below the threshold in terms of the amount of life savings you're allowed to keep when you go on welfare here, but it's in the 'wrong' form - only certain forms of investment are allowed if you want to apply for welfare.)
- Transfer my savings from the 'bad' form of investment to a 'good' one. (Ideally an ecologically and ethically sound one, since I'm already at it!)
- Get on welfare.
- Try to spend one full day per week working on jewellery.
- And half a day writing?
- Make an etsy shop, and a pro-looking website, once I have some actual stuff to sell?
- Research legal and financial conditions for small-scale self-employment.
- Research artist's insurance.
- Research other types of insurance.

... Scary, isn't it?

Should go to bed now; internship starts tomorrow (today, by now, actually).

Got a job.

Mar. 16th, 2010 08:42 pm
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No, not a 'real' one yet - let's not get ahead of ourselves here. ;-) Just a weird little part-time job, doing unspecified office help stuff that, oddly, for the most part seems to consist of putting women's fitness equipment up on ebay, for now. :D

Also, it's in the back of beyond, more than an hour away from where I live.

With no lunch opportunities whatsoever anywhere near. I am ridiculously worried about how to feed myself there. I know it's ridiculous, I'll probably survive just fine on sandwiches. I can still cook occasionally in the evenings, I suppose, if I really want to have something more than sandwiches on a given day.

For the next week and a half, before my internship starts, it'll be more or less full-time - though I've begged off one day this week to do some urgent stuff that needs to be taken care of before the internship, and another to work at the other job, the "Mini-English" one (which I'm probably going to have to quit when the internship starts, because there's just no way I can combine two part-time jobs *and* an internship - none of these are on the weekend. I hope I'll get paid for the Mini-English job despite this rather short duration of my work relationship with those people... I'm kind of worried, though, because I'm not sure I even have a proper work contract with them - there was some confusion there.)

Strangely, the thing that worries me most, next to "how am I going to get food???" and "dammit, there goes my attempt at catching up with friends before the internship starts", is "frell, and I was *just* beginning to get back into making jewellery!"

I'm weird.
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oh, everything. Damn.

I just spent two full days working on jewellery, actually finishing or near-finishing four pieces, which reduces my To Do list in that area quite a bit. It feels good, but there's still so much old stuff I never finished... most frustratingly, a pair of earrings I promised my mother for Christmas... years ago. I gave her the design and promised I'd make two pairs of earrings from it, one pair from silver and one from gold. (I really liked that design, and she's always having trouble deciding what to wear with what, so I figured making two pairs, in different materials so she could wear them with everything, would be nifty.) Well, and I started on the silver pair, and they turned into a nightmare. And now, years later, they're still a nightmare, still far from finished - in fact, they're so ruined by now, from my repeated attempts to fix some problem or another, that I will have to start over from scratch. Only, the problem that caused them to turn into such a nightmare persists, and so the next attempt will probably end up a nightmare, too. Maybe I should start on the gold pair instead - gold is said to be easier to work with, especially in cases like this (pieces that require lots of very precise soldering), and I actually bought the gold back when I gave my mother the design for Christmas. Maybe I should give up on the silver pair altogether, and make something different from silver for her instead.

But I really *love* that design. Especially in silver!

I'm just not sure I have the patience and persistence to embark on that trip through hell once more. I just spent some twenty minutes just *looking* at the ruined pair, and arrrgh, so much frustration!


Here's one thing I need to push to the top of my To Do list for 2010:

*Really* get back in touch with people.
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... were the two seemingly antithetical results of my short but 'intense' trip to Britain. The physical exhaustion, a result of travelling 18 hours by coach, showed as a desire to sleep through all of Monday, interrupted only by two hours of work in the evening. The - unexpected! - mental relaxation showed as sudden inspiration to vid and make jewellery. Granted, not the most intelligent thing to do when you have a deadline for your thesis and still no idea what to write, and I would probably have appreciated a sudden *thesis-related* inspiration more... But, having stifled most of my creative impulses for months now, until I eventually nearly lost them, I decided to give in to them this time.

Vidding didn't go too well (see previous entry *g*), but jewellery making did. I've started making a necklace for my mother, one I promised her so many years ago it's not even funny. She had these labradorite beads, and I wanted to make something really nice from them, but wasn't really happy with any idea I had over the years. I've now ended up using a very simple idea that came to me literally in my sleep. It truly is ridiculously simple, but I think that's why I like it - all the more 'sophisticated' ideas I had earlier just didn't fit the beads very well, but simplicity does. Plus, I get to melt lots of little blobs of silver for this design, and there are few things more relaxing and satisfying - nor more foolproof! - than melting metal. (Seriously! You try it! *g*) And then I get to hit the blobs with a hammer a lot - also foolproof and relaxing. (This is what goldsmithing-as-therapy would look like, I tell you.) The only thing about this necklace that may get the least bit tricky is the clasp, but I'll manage that as well, I'm sure. Maybe I'll think of a very simple mechanism for it... *g*

Oh, and I still haven't told you about the insane trip *to* Britain, have I? That really deserves an epic poem... I'm not sure I'm up to that today.
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More or less fine - kinda panicking in slow motion about the thesis.

Cleaning and cooking obsessively, because cleaning is nicely manageable, something you can actually *finish* in a day or two, and cooking likewise leaves you with a nice sense of having accomplished something useful.

Making jewellery(!) - finishing half a dozen things I abandoned, half finished, years ago. Currently working on two rings, six pairs of earrings, two necklaces, and that's just the beginning.

Watching Twin Peaks with a friend, about once a week, in hypnotic seven-hour sessions.

Have managed to sort of 'normalise' my sleep rhythm a bit (it's 4 a.m. to 11 a.m. now instead of 7 a.m. to 2 p.m.).

Still practicing LJ abstinence, because I still feel rather overwhelmed atm.

(Of course, this only makes my ongoing project of catching up with EVERYBODY, ARRGH even less manageable than it already is... *sigh*)

I'll try to return some of my attention to you guys in the next few days. Thing is, I'm so horribly bad at multitasking, I'm not sure how I'm going to find the time without growing massively less efficient in some other area again... but I guess I could kick some of the cleaning and cooking, and replace that with internet time.
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Retail therapy for toolomaniacs!

(Not quite the same model.)

I've been wanting one for *years*. Wheeee!
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Holy shit. I could live a month on that.

Maybe I should sell it.

Then again, it might go even higher.

And I could also just simply finally turn it into something wearable.

And *then* sell it.

If I had the time.

And the kind of customers you'd need for that kind of stuff.

Who am I fooling? I haven't worked on anything in a *year*. (But recently, the muses have been active.)
hmpf: (angsty)
Hmpf reads Judith Butler. It's dense reading, very slow, with a lot of rereading, and marking things with little question marks in the margins.

my brain has other ideas )

(Excerpts taken from chapter 3 of The Psychic Life of Power, by Judith Butler, Stanford University Press, 1997.)
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Today I had a doctor's appointment which ended up a bit more painful than I had expected. So, on the way back home, I felt I'd earned the right to drop in at the art book bargain shop - where I found this... for 12 euros.

Yes, I bought it. As I said: I'd earned it! ;-) Plus, I hadn't used up my monthly books budget yet. (Now I have.)
hmpf: (angsty)
Jewellery designs come to me at a rate of several per day at the moment which, considering my usual lack of inspiration in that area, is quite amazing. So, I'm sketching away, scribbling down notes, and playing around with bits of metal and all the stuff I've collected over the years to 'some day' make something from, and today I even spent several hours reorganising my workshop and even put up a new lamp there.

Of course, what I *should* be doing is writing several uni papers - not to mention all the unfinished fanfics, the beta reading, the vidding, and a thousand small-but-significant annoying Real Life things like checking and paying bills, filling in forms, etc. And the LJ catch-up game, too. (Yes, I wasn't even completely done with catching up yet, and already I've fallen behind again.)


Why can I only be creative when I *should* be doing something more important?

Also, I still want one of those. I think I'm going to buy one and replace my broken TV set with it. That TV hasn't been working in years and is only taking up space that could be used for something much more useful.

Addendum: What's even more amazing than the sheer amount of ideas that come to me at the moment is that these ideas are actually
- really simple to make but
- would probably look pretty impressive (if done right), and
- are probably even compatible with what other people think looks good and is wearable.
That is to say, *if* I could actually sit down and make these things, I could produce them reasonably fast yet due to them looking more impressive than they really are (from a craftsmanship viewpoint, that is) I could probably sell them for a reasonable price. Reasonable both for the customers *and* for me. So far, I've sold most of my stuff at self-exploitation rates, so this is a definite improvement. These may be the first commercially viable ideas I've had, as a jeweller.
hmpf: (stay)
1.) Happy coincidence:

I'm about to receive a number of French comics from two different sources in the next couple of weeks. Wheeeeeeeee! Also, [ profile] nager let me know yesterday that he found the first part of Mohiro Kitoh's Wings of Vendemiaire on ebay this week, a collector's item he wanted to give me for a present a while ago but couldn't find then, and it should be arriving here soon, as well. We're both Mohiro Kitoh fans, and I totally didn't expect this, so it's the best kind of present: unexpected, and with a special meaning both for the giver, and the person receiving the gift. ((([ profile] nager)))

2.) Weird coincidence:

Tonight I dreamed I was looking at a flat in Britain, possibly to rent it or something, and there was this tiny little room attached to it that would have been *just* big enough for a very small jeweller's workshop. I immediately latched onto the idea of making it my workshop, but the woman letting the flat told me I couldn't do that, or she already had let the flat (or perhaps just the room?) to someone else... This was my first jewellery-making-related dream in *ages*, and a very apt representation of the conflict between jewellery making and Real Life concerns that currently forestalls most of my jewellery making activity. Then, in the early afternoon, I got a call from... my very first jewellery making teacher! *Weird*. I hadn't talked to him since before Christmas, and before that had lost contact with him for about two or three years, so it's not like this kind of thing happens often. I was in a hurry, and he was being mysterious, but I suspect it was about the opening of his new shop/gallery/thingy - he said he wanted to send me something, and I think that 'something' is probably an invitation, especially since he also hinted that we would probably be meeting soon. He also asked about the state of my, *cough*, career, and there was a lot of hinting and mock-blaming (it's all *his* fault, him having turned me onto jewellery making in the first place! *g*)... and psychoanalyzing, too. Interesting. We'll see where that goes.

3.) I've started actually putting my video together in Premiere now. I've got the first six or seven clips in place, but it's still very scary to work with Premiere. At least once per evening I'm running into some severe technical problem or other, and then usually resolve to call it a night, and try again the next evening. I can't even begin to list the - even most basic - things I still haven't figured out how to do. And I even lack the *vocabulary* to ask the necessary questions, I think. So, trial and error is about the only way I have to solve my problems...

This may take a while, folks.
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After more than ten years and I don't know how many rings I seem to have *finally* gained a grasp on how to get the metal to submit to my will.
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a pointless post on what I did after the 'Zwischenprüfung' and what I'm going to do next. And why this journal will have a lower priority for a while still.

For months and months I have postponed things I wanted (or had) to do that were not absolutely necessary, because *something* always was more important. Getting my application papers for Birmingham ready. Getting my paper on early bronze age daggers ready. Preparing for the exam.

Prioritizing is important. I know that. But it is also frustrating if you have to always put the things you really want to do on the back burner. Things like writing fanfic, making jewellery, rebuilding my website, posting on forums, doing various Save Farscape related stuff, updating my LJ... So, I've 'saved up' a whole lot of Things I Want To Do (and a few I Have To Do, too), and now I'm going to do as many of them as possible. In fact, I started immediately after the exam. On that one day, in less than 12 hours, I made three simple rings, burned a dozen CDs, edited my fic, built one new page for my website, watched two eps of Angel (I'm still in S3! And I'm just as far behind on Buffy!!), cooked dinner, called some people, gave feedback on the first version of the next Scape Sisters video, sorted an about knee-high stack of paper that had accumulated on my desk... in other words, I got a lot done.

On Friday, the day after that frightfully effective day, I mostly met friends (and battled with the washing machine, but that's another story). We had our monthly Farscape meeting, an old friend who's so far avoided our congregations decided to join us, and we had a very nice evening. The next day was similar, only that I just met one friend (that same old friend, in fact), and we watched some Stargate. (Yes, I'm trying to look beyond the rim of the FS plate. After one and a half seasons of SG I find it not particularly exciting, but nice in a harmless, popcorn kind of way. I'd never write fanfic about it, but it's watchable, and a few eps had rather nice ideas behind them.)

Well, and these three days are very good examples of how I intend to spend my last few weeks in Germany before I leave for Birmingham: getting all kinds of things done that I missed doing in the last seven months or so, and meeting my friends as often as possible (and meeting *as many* of them as possible, I might add! - *waves to [ profile] elbatsnud, [ profile] dunkle_feuer, [ profile] ankae*)

So, if you're not reading any updates here, or not many updates, anyway, it's likely that I'm doing one of the following:

- writing or editing fic
- rebuilding my website
- making jewellery
- catching up with a dozen series I'm way behind watching
- reading
- hanging out with friends

In other words, I have a life! ;-)

Nah, I'm just kidding. I don't mean to say that updating your LJ equals having no life! And since much of the stuff I intend to do is fannish in nature I'll probably update rather more often than usual. But in case I'm *not* updating, that will be the reason.

In other news, I burned a hole into a very old favourite t-shirt of mine today. Which is noteworthy because it's actually the first 'casualty' (apart from various cuts in my fingers and burns on my hands and a ripped-off bit of hair etc.) of my goldsmith's work in uhm, ten years or so. I've never damaged my clothing before; only myself *g*.

Well... I'll be back with something more interesting soon, I expect.
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Oh boy. What a year. And it's only one and a half months old, too!

It's kinda depressing but I only seem to be able to consistently update my journal when I'm on holiday. The semester has been busy, a fact that was exacerbated by the SaveFarscape campaign which ate up most of my net time. I started 2003 with a massive backlog of things I should have done months ago, and resolved I would have to do something about it or it would crush me. So I decided to finally write my paper on Farscape and its construction as art that I had meant to write last September when the cancellation news frelled up my planning, and I decided to stay away from the net until it was done. Well, and as soon as that was done, I had to get my application for the ERASMUS program ready, i.e. write several CVs and a detailed explanation of my motivation for wanting to spend a year in Britain. And as soon as that was done, I started to organise a stay in Barcelona to learn Spanish, and I'm leaving for that on Saturday. Oh, and I was sick for a while, too. Besides all this I started rebuilding my website (finally!!!), building a website for the German Farscape mailing list, and tried to be somewhat active on the list, too. Oh, and I got a job at uni, too.

So, you can see why I haven't been updating much. ;-)

My website's still far from finished, and I've neglected my e-mail for months, and Clan MacSlow even longer, and I haven't made any jewellery since before Christmas. Still, I've gotten a lot of stuff done, although there always seems to be something else that lurks reproachfully in the background.

So... this is basically just to say that I'm still alive and well and active both in Real Life and in fandom. And to those few whose weblogs I usually read - Kadira, Tehtah, Sherry, and occasionally Black Widow and Dark Poet, clansibs of old - I'm sorry I haven't been able to read much in the past six weeks. (Though I doubt that many of you are reading this, either.)

In case someone here has stalker-y habits ;-) you may know that I've actually been quite active on the Frell Me Dead boards, and you might conclude from this that I simply do not care enough about this journal - or the journals of my friends, for that matter - to keep up. That is not true. It is just a matter of priorities, and since I consider it a sort of duty to help keep the Frell Me Dead forums active and contribute my ideas to the campaign, that has had top priority for a while now. I hope that my livejournal and my friends will be able to bear my sort-of-absence for a while. I will be back. In fact, I'm not really gone - just arranging my life in intervals. There's times when I'm more active here, and times when I'm less active. Simple as that.

Well. Until I post my next entry, you can bid on a comm badge made by me -

- or read my latest published fanfic:;action=display;threadid=2875
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Real Life: went to uni today to find some info about British universities where I might spend my year abroad. Looks like Birmingham is the closest match for what I want. Actually, I wanted Cardiff, but they only have one of my subjects there...

Real Life/Net life: been preparing the Farscape weekend with Claudia and Antje by doing some big time shopping! (Gotta provide four meals for over 30 people. You get the idea.) When we were done, Nager from called us - he was on the road somewhere between Wiesbaden and Frankfurt - and after some confusion we decided to have him come to Claudia's place, and had Kai come over, too, and we all had pizza together. Very nice. Looking forward to meeting everybody (lots of new people around this time!!!) tomorrow...

Oh, hey, and I painted myself blue today! Well, only in part, but it was still a really amazing experience. A totally different feeling - like my body was suddenly not quite my body anymore. I now understand what Virginia Hey described in that interview, about looking at her hands and going 'Oh my god, I'm blue!'

Claudia and Antje were impressed, and Claudia is looking forward to being painted blue now, too. Hehe.

I also finished her ten silver rings that will make the Zhaan costume perfect. We'll pose as a sort of twinned Zhaan for a picture that will hopefully demonstrate to our American friends in the campaign that we're with them, even if we can't do much over here. And no, we will *not* shave our heads. We'll go for season three Zhaan, with the headscarf. ;-)

So, other than that, what's new? Not much, except maybe that Dork Tower just did Farscape again:

Have to go to bed now, read a bit about 'The Cultural Criticism of Randolph Bourne, Van Wyck Brooks, Waldo Frank, and Lewis Mumford'.
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All right... haven't really written anything in a while... it's been a busy week, sort of, and I couldn't find the inner calm nor the power to update this journal (nor write any e-mail). Not that anything really important happened - just some annoying trouble with the rings I'm working on, and travel preparations, and the obsession equivalent of a one-night stand. ;-)

So, where do I begin? Maybe I'll begin with the rather startling confession that I haven't rewatched the long-awaited FS ep 4.05, 'Promises' (no spoilers here) since I first saw it last Sunday! (You may gasp incredulously now.)

It's not that I'm not obsessed with FS anymore - I still am, and I'm planning to write a nice bit of fanfic on my vacation! - nor is it that the ep was bad or boring. On the contrary, it gave me the trademark 'FS shivers' more than once. ;-) Though there were two developments I'm intensely uncomfortable about, but only the future will show whether I'm worrying needlessly.

As I said, there will be no spoilers here today, because I just don't feel like going into any details before I've seen the ep another two or three times. Don't worry, folks. I *will* watch it again. I just had a weird week - the only stuff I've watched all week was bits of 'Hellsing', here and there.

Which brings me to the heretical title of this post.

Of course, it's all Kai's fault. Mr 'I'll Make An Anime Fan Of You Yet' introduced me to the relatively new anime 'Hellsing'. I'm not sure if he knew that I will fall for anything that is immortal, enigmatic, morally ambiguous and wearing a long coat. Anyway, here I am, with a brand-new medium-sized obsession for, of all things, an anime vampire with a really silly name and a strange sense of style.

Well, I'm pretty sure it will pass - this is not on the scale of my Methos or Farscape or Tolkien or DS9 obsessions that lasted years. This is a 'one fortnight to a month' thing. I've lived with various obsessions long enough to be able to tell the differences.

Of course, obsessions, even of the minor kinds, never really pass... I still find myself seeking out things like Matrix fanfic once in a while, though that was a very minor obsession, if it even deserves the title. Frell, I've even been trying to find Twin Peaks fanfic, a difficult task rarely rewarded by success.

So. What is 'Hellsing' and why has it sent me into obsession mode?

'Hellsing' is an anime about the more or less top secret 'Hellsing Institution', an organisation that tries to protect Britain from all kinds of monsters, mostly from vampires. The organisation is led by (silly name alert!) Integra(l) Wingates Hellsing, a tough, no-nonsense woman who inherited the duty of leading Hellsing from her father at a much too early age and has hardened in emotional self-defence. Her 'secret weapon' against All Things Ungodly is a 'domesticated' vampire called Alucard (it's rather more impressive if you read it backwards!). It is never quite clear how much control she really has over him.

'Hellsing' is an action-oriented anime, which means it's ultra-violent and features guns that are so huge they couldn't work in Real Life. Alucard carries two guns that verge on the ridiculous; since this is anime, there is also a girl with huge breasts and short skirts around who gets to carry a gun so big it's beyond ridiculous. All this may sound a bit derisive... and I guess I am a bit derisive of these aspects of the show. I am neither a big fan of huge guns and lovingly-portrayed shoot-outs, nor of the kind of physical stereotyping that's going on here with Ceras Victoria, the girl with the monster gun. (Oh, wait, it's an 'Anti-Freak Cannon'. How could I forget... *g*)

But, I have to admit that despite these shortcomings, the show has an interesting style, good music, and very good characters with very intriguing twisted relationships. The triad of Integra-Alucard-Victoria is fascinating. I'd argue that the Integra-Alucard relationship is the most interesting, but Victoria's trust in and admiration for Alucard is also worthy of contemplation.

I think I need to go into this to some degree. But first, who is this Alucard guy who seems to be the central figure in this triangular relationship?

Alucard is. . . Hmm. He's difficult to sum up in a few words, but I don't want to write a novel here! ;-) Well, first of all, he is *beyond cool*. This guy is really off the coolness scale - he could beat most of his antagonists just by beeing cool, probably. The clothes he's wearing would look campy on any mere mortal, but on him, they're cool. So are the orange glasses and the incredibly broad-rimmed red hat.

He's also nasty. He has a vampire's sense of fun. He *really* enjoys himself when he's out to battle monsters of all kind. The stronger the enemy, the more gleeful he appears. He's also able to slouch in a chair with his feet comfortably propped up on the table while around him all hell is breaking loose. If he's called by Integra, he will come - most of the time - but he won't lift a finger if she doesn't call. He's proud, arrogant, sadistic... and he lusts for blood, of course. It's a good thing Integra knows how to control him. Or does she? ;-)

All these are less than desirable qualities. And yet... there is something fascinating about him, and it's not just the fascination pure Evil has on some. The confusing thing is, you never really feel that Alucard is actually evil. It's more like he's really somehow outside the system of human morals and values. Words like 'good' and 'evil' don't apply to him.

The qualities that make him interesting mostly come out in his interactions with Integra, his 'master', and Victoria - to whom *he* is master.

Victoria and Alucard:

Victoria is a young police officer who gets taken hostage by a vampire in the very first ep. The vampire who has captured her is using her as a human shield against Alucard, assuming that Alucard, controlled as he is by humans, will not shoot a human. As Victoria is facing Alucard, there is a moment of half-spoken communication between them that is most fascinating. He tells her - quite openly, matter-of-factly - that he will shoot through her lungs, and asks her if she will come with him, and, after a long, intense exchange of looks, she says 'yes'. And he shoots her. And then, of course, makes her a vampire, just before she is dying.

That exchange of looks and words is setting the tone for the relationship of Victoria with her master for the whole series. For some reason, in that moment Victoria seems to decide she can trust Alucard, and trust him *absolutely*, although she already *knows* that he is, in essence, a monster. In the light of what we find out about Alucard, and in the light of the difficulties Victoria is going to develop regarding the lifestyle of a vampire, that is a very strange decision, and yet, it's not *wrong*. During the whole series, Alucard is never going to display anything towards Victoria that would not justify her trust in him. In episode three, he offers his blood to her to make her free of the human's control that apparently extends to her by way of him. In several episodes, he gives her advice, always in a mildly amused, but patient tone. For a nasty, 'evil' creature of the night, he does not make too bad a father figure, and a father figure seems to be what Victoria is looking for. Her childlike joy to see him save the day is touching, but not as innocent as it may seem - the closeness she obviously feels to him is also a sign of her becoming more and more a vampire, and thus - probably - moving away from the realm of human values, herself. She may not realize this yet, but it's definitely happening. She won't be able to fight her new nature forever.

Integra and Alucard:

It's hard to tell whether Alucard views Integra as a kind of equal or as another 'little girl', as he calls her in episode 10; and if he sees her as the latter, it's hard to tell whether he wants to protect her or manipulate her, or both. One thing is clear however: he is fascinated by her. In episode 10 we see how he submitted to her command for the first time, and it never becomes entirely clear if he could have chosen otherwise at that moment. Her spunk and defiance in facing him (and facing her murderous uncle) impress him, that much is certain, but does he submit because he is impressed, or doesn't he have another choice? Her father's words that there was something in the basement that would protect her, if need be, point in the latter direction, but somehow... I'm not sure.

Alucard, although at least to some degree under the control of Integra, does not seem to have any hard feelings towards her or the Hellsing family. He respects power in humans. He does not respect her uncle's claims to leadership, because unlike Integra, the uncle is not leadership material, he's a coward and a traitor. He does not have Integra's power.

Besides respect, there is definitely something else Alucard feels for Integra. There is a touch of amusement, as seems present in all his dealings with humans (or almost-humans, like Victoria), and there is.... desire? It's hard to tell, because for Alucard, any relationship is mainly a game for power. But I suspect that his repeated offer to Integra to make her a vampire if she only asked is not just a move in that game but also an expression of an honest wish to... take their relationship to another level.

One of the strangest moments between the two of them occurs also in episode 10, the episode that explains Integras backstory. When she comes out of the coma, she complains about being treated like a kid, and Alucard replies 'You're still the same little girl,' and for a second, he looks and sounds genuinely affectionate.

What Integra feels towards Alucard is even harder to tell than what he feels towards her. Integra does not, usually, betray any kind of emotion. Alucard's emotions may be filtered through irony and games, but at least you can guess. Integra, although human, is rather more mysterious. Whatever she feels is buried deep enough, I suspect, that even she herself may not be aware of it...

* * *
Whew. Did I claim I didn't want to write a novel here? Well... it’s not yet a novel, but it's way longer than I intended it to become. Gee, I should do this for Farscape, sometime! Maybe I'll do something like this about 'Promises' next time... I guess I'll have to forget about replying to all those e-mails that still needed replying to before I leave for Denmark. Sorry, guys. :-(

Oh, and yes, you read that right – I'm going to Denmark. My parents asked me, quite unexpectedly, to accompany them and my grandparents on their trip to Denmark for two weeks, so there'll be no updates here for a while! A friend from Farscape fandom will join us for a week, too. :-)

So, what else was there to tell here? I'll keep it short.

- I have a mouse in my room right now! What do I do about that?!? (We have mice here, but usually only in the kitchen. However, I kept my door open for a few hours today, and that was apparently a mistake.)
- The ring I'm working on is proving far more trouble than I ever expected.
- Fansubbed anime is a hoot. No, make that: Japanese Engrish in general is a hoot! Look here to get an idea of what I mean – this is the Hellsing title song! LOL

Bye! See you here in two weeks!

April 2016

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