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[personal profile] hmpf
because I'm in a deep, heart-pounding panic over how thoroughly I'm wasting the very limited time I have left (three decades of useable brain time, give or take a few years, maybe - I'm from an Alzheimer family and it mostly seems to hit us in our mid-seventies, so I can't really count on more time than that) by doing exactly nothing of any of the things that I feel are the most important in my life.

I am a complete non-presence in the lives of aging relatives whom I love, who may not be around very long anymore, and whom I still don't manage to contact more than once a year.

I am a complete non-presence in the lives of my friends, whom I don't deserve to call friends anymore, who may not think of me as a friend anymore, either, because I've been absent for the better part of a decade.

I haven't really been making new friends either (well - one, I guess.)

I haven't written more than a sentence or two in a whole year.

I haven't done any work on my game level. I haven't done any jewellery design work.

I haven't done any activism in a year or more, and very little in the three or four years before that.

I haven't been active in fandom in any way for years, either.

All my energy is consumed by the daily chores of living: commuting, and working, and grocery shopping, and doing the dishes and the laundry, and so on. There is nothing left for anything else, and there's absolutely no sign of that *ever* changing, because when you work 30 days a month, how *do* you find energy for anything that isn't work?

Last Sunday I was sick and I was so damn grateful. I had a whole day to myself! I couldn't really get into the right frame of mind to actually get creative even so, though. But at least I managed to go through some of my old writing notes.

Maybe I need to *not* go on a "proper" holiday, next year. Maybe I need to portion my vacation days out throughout the year instead, two or three of them every other month, and dedicate those days to creative pursuits and my social life? But how much of both of these can you accomplish in two days every other month?

And anyway, can you resurrect a social life that's been dead for so long? Don't you, rather, have to create a new one from scratch? (Which of course takes more time than a day or two every other month.)

How do you have a life? Will I actually learn how to figure this out before I die?

April 2016

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